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Original poster

To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

431 replies

GiftBaggage · 03/10/2025 21:46

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

OP posts:
Elfandfairy · 03/10/2025 21:56

I think it’s time he learned what his father did to you - presumably like many dangerous people your ex is good at charming / grooming initially before his abuse starts, so I’d consider it in your son’s best interests too that he knows the truth. I’m so sorry, it sounds incredibly hard.

Worriedalltheday · 03/10/2025 21:56

Yanbu op. Do not put yourself through the trauma of this man just to please your son, who should know better. Yes he should know better. He knew your struggles, he knew he he had an absent father, he knows the age you had him.
Your son has already turned to the other side, so you not being there will only strengthen everyone’s idea that the problem is you anyway. He also tried to hurt you by letting you know he told his father first. You don’t need to hurt yourself more by pleasing people who have already made up their mind about you

themerchentofvenus · 03/10/2025 21:53

Just send him a message saying congratulations, you're thrilled he's found someone that makes him happy, and that although you'd love to be there on his wedding day to celebrate, unfortunately you will not able to be able to share this amazing day with him for personal reasons that you don't feel appropriate to share, but perhaps you could celebrate another time with the happy couple.

If you're feeling brave, then let your son know in person the abuse you faced at the hands of his father.

CherrieTomaties · 03/10/2025 21:52

Is your son aware of the full extent of the abuse you suffered from his dad?

MousseMousse · 03/10/2025 21:52

FuzzyWolf · 03/10/2025 21:49

YANBU. Just say to your son that you would love to meet his new in-laws but it will have to be separately to when his father meets them. Likewise you expect his father will be attending the wedding so you won’t be but you will look forward to meeting up with him post honeymoon.

Yes, this.

I don't think you should for a second think about putting yourself through the additional trauma of being near your son's father but you may need to share with your son the reasons as to why, if you haven't already. Flowers

FuzzyWolf · 03/10/2025 21:49

YANBU. Just say to your son that you would love to meet his new in-laws but it will have to be separately to when his father meets them. Likewise you expect his father will be attending the wedding so you won’t be but you will look forward to meeting up with him post honeymoon.