To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

Hi OP, I just wanted to highlight this really excellent advice .

im so sorry for this seemingly impossible and brutally unfair position you are in xxx

Why are you so determined to avoid police reporting. Even the process can be very cathartic for some survivors. He may well have a very long criminal record for similar offences in which case this might not be as hard as you suggest. There might be strong evidence to support her case.

Your posts are very disturbing. It is up to the victim, in this case the op if she wishes to report her abuse

He has a criminal record OP knows of already. She has not been exactly clear, she says he’s not allowed to work around children however I feel this may be an assumption on her part based on the charges she has told us about. She would be able to look into his sex offender status with sarahs law.

Realistically.

OP will report and police will take statement from her.

Police will assess if there is any evidence or credible witnesses ie if anyone saw this happen. They would request if OP has any journals from around the time detailing the offence.

if there is evidence the suspect would be invited for an interview.

There would be a cPS decision based on evidence in 98% of historical rape cases like this in the UK no charges come of it.

It is natural to a certain extent for adult children to distort their view of a much wanted parent. The fact is telling her son the truth is now imperative for safe guarding reasons if nothing else.

Op should be prepared for her son to continue to deny what kind of man his father is - that may continue but at least he will know the truth. In order to protect his own children.

Op needs support externally, and not look for this from her son. Women’s aid, rape crisis, counselling and other agencies can and will support her: there is also a specialist team that can support her if she wishes to go ahead with reporting her abuse and rape to the police.

I agree with this and it's an important consideration. Being brave enough to speak up must be tempered with being brave enough to accept that others might not be able to or want to hear or accept the facts.

You take on the role of the identified patient and that can be a very lonely place to be.

It would depend on evidence actually. Given you don’t know what evidence is available. Historical cases are built on the basis of creditability. He could be a prolific rapist and abuser, and have a long history of similar offences.

Correct. It would never make it to court.

The police will take this very seriously. I assure you of that op. You can also ask for extra support which is mow available.

The safest course of action is to report him. You are not the first or last of his victims I suspect.

The poster didn’t say that she believed that, she said that it’s likely how it will be looked at by police. Without evidence, it’s a he-said/she-said.

I work in the legal sector and I’m afraid to say the police will likely look on this as a relationship two people regret rather than any sort of violent rape on a child like others are suggesting

@Hairycherry I hope to God that nobody ever lets you within a million miles of a rape victim. How dare you say those things to a victim of rape and abuse? wtf is wrong with you that you think that’s an acceptable thing to say? Are you sure it was rape? Are you sure he knew that you didn’t really want to? Could it have all been a big misunderstanding? Absolute shame on you.

It happened on many occasions because I wouldn’t put out, not violent because I would just freeze, but definitely forced/against my will, and it was not worth it to refuse, and often whilst I was laid breastfeeding my son in bed, sometimes while I was sleeping This isn’t just statutory rape. This isn’t a case of one slightly underage teenager not being particularly vocal in her enthusiastic consent, or of telling him to hurry up and get on with it. She says it was against her will, often while she was breastfeeding their son or was asleep, and that it wasn’t worth it to refuse. How the fuck is that not the textbook definition of forced sex against a person’s will?

I can’t imagine what you have been through since this happened op. Not only did he rape and abuse you, but you were a CHILD at the time.

Can you write it down in a letter to your son - don't hold back on the detail, and explain that any children he goes on to have with his wife to be are at serious risk, and his father isn’t allowed to be around children. Explain to him fully what happened, and tell him you are too traumatised to even tell him in person. You can also do a Clare’s law application. Does your son know he isn’t allowed near children?

You can explain this is why you can only attend the wedding if his father is not there. That as heartbreaking as it will be, having raised him alone, this is not domethhhb that is safe or possible for you to do.

Your son is in denial about who his father really is. I imagine ds was desperate for a father figure, but that does not mean your ds’ feelings should be prioritised over yours op.

There is no way you can attend the wedding, and you shouldn’t have to, that man should not be there, there is nothing stopping you from building a close relationship with your son and his wife after the wedding, and you can enjoy any grandchildren. Everything can be kept separate of course. Your son will need to respect your boundaries around this.

Build a strong relationship with his fiancé if you can, and in time she should know exactly what happened. Especially in order to protect herself and children.

I am sorry this has happened to you. You must feel betrayed and let down by your son’s dismissal of the trauma you have suffered.

You absolutely need to go back into counselling, do you also have others you can talk to? I would suggest counselling for your son too. If your son is close to any one else in the family or family friends perhaps they can also talk to him?

You can carve out this man op. You are certainly not lumbered with him for life. Nor are you obliged to have a close relationship with your son for now if he is determined to ignore what you hsve been through.

The most important person in all of this is you, your son is old enough to take care of himself now.

Take care of you, get all if the help you need to process this terrible development. You come first from now on op 💐💐 Let them get on with it and make their own minds yo when they have all of the facts. It’s ultimately just one day and not worth the fall out in my view. I hope so much that your son wakes up to the severity of this.

Have you considered reporting this all to the police?

Print this out, put it in an envelope and hand it to your son in the presence of his fiancée, explaining sadly you will not be able to attend.

What his father did was wholly unforgivable.
No need for any other explanation.

Your son and fiancée should be made fully aware of your hurt so the opportunity to run you down in front of her parents does not arise.

Aside from which his father should not be alone with any grandchildren.
And if I were his fiancee I’d be reconsidering his introduction to my parents.

I feel you owe it to your son and yourself to tell the complete truth about his dad. If you don’t, he’s going to see you being triggered by what he has been conditioned to believe are trivial things. He needs to know why he is asking too much.
Also, your son might want to have kids with his wife and she needs to know what she’s marrying into.

DS has told me on a number of occasions that his dad has changed now, he’s matured and settled down, but I cannot forgive or forget everything he’s put me through. Even seeing photos of him is really triggering

When he mentioned meeting the in-laws, he asked how I’m going to manage being in the same room as his dad and I just went quiet for a while and said it would be extremely difficult. He jokingly called me bitter and I responded by saying he put me through horrendous things and he said ‘I know’ before changing the subject

This really concerns me. ‘Bitter’ sounds like a word that has come from his father’s mouth. If you’re feeling strong enough to disclose what he did to you, then I think it might be time to let your son know exactly what sort of a man he’s expecting you to be civil to. Please don’t try to protect him or spare his feelings because that minimises what that man subjected you to, and the shame is not yours to carry. Tell him that his father abandoning you and your son wasn’t something you were bitter about because it gave you a partial break from the abuse, until he began the stalking. Tell him about the marital rapes that didn’t turn violent because you froze in order to protect your son. Tell him about the times it did turn violent. Tell him that it doesn’t matter if he is no longer abusing the women in his life; he abused you and you cannot believe that he has gone from your wonderful son into a man who thinks his mother should sit in a room with her rapist and pretend she’s not terrified of him and that it’s ’bitterness’ on your part. Tell him that you have spent his entire life putting him first in everything and that you’re so disappointed in him that he thinks that this is just another occasion for you to ‘get over it’. Tell him that he’s welcome to arrange two separate meetings with her parents if he wants you to meet them, but you are not going to put yourself through sitting in a room with your rapist. Tell him that you love him enough not to make him choose between his parents, so you won’t be there on the day and you’ll explain exactly why to his future wife if she really wants to know why not.

I know you love your son. That’s coming over very loudly and clearly. But it’s ok to set boundaries with the people we love, even if it’s painful to do it at the time. You don’t deserve this treatment. I hope it’s just a case of a lost little boy desperate to believe that his dad isn’t a monster who abandoned him and that, really, it was just circumstances that prevented him from being there. It’s easier to believe that you were just bitter he left, than it is to realise the truth. But you don’t have to sit by and take the blame for his dad being an abuser. He’s an adult now; it’s time to protect yourself.

Your son doesn’t see his father through the lens that you do, and it’s unlikely that he will. If you do decide to spell out exactly what his father did, he may very well not believe you/downplay it/call you bitter again. Tbh it sounds like when you’d approached the subject he hasn’t been interested in hearing it, and has shut you down quite quickly. Telling him the truth does not mean that he will take it in the way you and other posters on here hope he will, and if he doesn’t, you will have to live the ramifications of this too. Is it fair? No, but life isn’t fair, and truth and justice very often don’t prevail.

That isn’t to say don’t tell him, but if you do please be prepared for it not to go the way you want it to, and in case this happens then perhaps have support in place.

And OP, your son's wife-to-be needs to know about this man too. He is not safe to be around children - what if he rapes or assaults any grandchildren they may have? What if he rapes or assaults the girlfriend?

I always tell women to TELL their children what the ex has done. And this is precisely why.

It is NOT about revenge, it is about safeguarding and understanding that a man who is a liar and abuser is not safe for them either.

There seems to be a myth that abusers (cheaters, wife beaters and other types of abusers as well as the rapist OP talks about) are somehow entitled to their children's love, or that it's cruel to tell the kids the truth.

It. Is. Not. Cruel. It is a necessary and hard thing for a mother to do.

Protect your children and your future relationship with your children by telling them the truth about the abuse you suffered. That does not mean (before anyone tries to pretend otherwise) that you go on about it, that you tell them every last detail.

But the ingrained societal dictate that women should suck up any and all abuse their father committed and say nothing to protect their children is deeply damaging to women and does NOT protect their children.

All women who divorce their husbands for abuse - whatever sort it is - have a right to state clearly and directly what he did. The truth is NEVER abusive, wrong or more dangerous than protecting the abuser. And that is the only person who is protected by keeping these secrets.

Not meaning to have a go at you OP. I understand why you hid this stuff. I just feel strongly about this and think this is a good example of why I keep trying to get people to hear this.

Oh, and if you want to start the "but what about the men who are cheated on and abused?" do feel free to write a thread about that, rather than asking me to write a comment that suits you.

I agree with this. Your son needs to know the truth.

I’m sorry OP; this is a horrible situation and you are right to avoid triggering more trauma by being in the same room as him.

If he does have convictions against SA children then she may have more luck with the police.

After reading I see that however as he doesn’t have any convictions against children I think OP is just assuming because he has a criminal BG for other stuff. Maybe she can come back and clarify.

Thank you.

Direct quote from OP

" I know that he’s barred from working with children though. He is absolutely charismatic and manipulative, as all abusers are."

The question is, why are you trying to normalise child rape?

Not once has she said he’s barred from working with children for abusing them

@Hairycherry

"did you chase him?" [ETA Victim blaming at its worst.]

Seriously? Before you start wittering on about "different times", I'll point out that I'm 65. I remember those times well.

There are well documented examples of adult males pursuing and sometimes even marrying their victims once they were old enough. The fact that those who were supposed to uphold the law were lax is no excuse.

You're blaming the OP in spite of our being told that the man who raped her is barred from working with children.

Normally it would be right to say you would never ask your son to choose between you and his father.

But this isn't normal, and actually I think on this occasion he has to.

God knows what version of history he's been hearing from the wretched man. You don't have to spell out every gory detail, but you do need to come at the conversation from a position of strength and essentially tell your DS that you will not knowingly come into contact with his father and that you expect him to prioritise you, his permanent full-time parent.

Don't be afraid of being judgmental, because you are in a position to judge and you have every right to. Also give this point some thought: your son is about to get married. What sort of husband do you want him to model himself on?