To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

I'd feel like I'd have to explain the situation clearly. "Just to make you aware, you father raped me alot. That is the main reason I never want to see him again. Please don't ask me to attend anything with him. I'm sorry but I cannot come to the wedding. I don't want to talk about this anymore." That way he doesn't just think it was nothing and that you're bitter, very rude of him to have even said that by the way. If he still dismisses it as nothing, then your son has become not a very nice person I'm afraid.

YANBU. If I were in the same situation as you, I would let my son know what happened. You have protected him all these years but he is a grown man now and should know the truth about his father. If it is difficult to talk about it, write everything down in a letter and give it to your son to digest the information. Your son has a right to know what his father is capable of and you have a right to feel safe. I hope everything turns out well. Best wishes

I’d go carefully now as it’s a special time for DS. Tell him that things were so difficult with his dad that you can’t be in his company but you’re delighted about his wedding and will meet the in-laws any other time. Tell him that youll explain more if he wants to hear but perhaps he’d rather focus on his wedding for now.

Please ignore those horrifying rape apology posts OP, they represent a truly misogynistic and outdated mindset (horrifying that they say they work in the legal sector - Met Police perhaps?. They are also a complete derailment given that police reporting isn't what OP is asking about at all.)

I also believe you have to tell your son, and his wife to be needs to know too. I agree the 'bitter' comment sounds as if it has come from his dad. Getting professional advice on how to approach this sounds like a good idea.

I am so sorry for what you are going through here.

Sorry this happened to you OP. Definitely do not go and have dinner with him at all. I understand you want to be there for your son but you matter too. Some of these threads show mothers never look after themselves as always putting their children first. However, in some instances you need to put yourself first and this is one of them!!! You don't need to go into all the detail, just say you experience with him was awful / traumatic etc and that you will not spend any time with him. You are happy to meet her parents without him. Stand your ground, only you will look.after you!!!

I actually think your son is acting pretty badly here op. He is old enough to be able to discern the difference between someone being ‘bitter’ (I would be livid at that), and someone who is traumatised. Plus he was there for his own upbringing, he surely recognises which of his parents actually raised him (and you know didn’t assault, rob and harass the other?). I’m so sorry. You have suffered immensely and done the hard yards and you don’t deserve this treatment at all.

You son is an adult now
You tell him what you just told us .
Your sons loyalty should be to you ,who brought him up and made sacrifices for him .
He should not be putting you in any position you feel uncomfortable with

I said earlier you need to sit down and tell them both why, so he can’t just fluff over it with his fiancé, but now I’ve read the update, you also need to sit down with both of them and say what his dad did, and also say I cannot let any woman come into this family and potentially have children without knowing ds’ dad is banned from working with children and I would not trust him with a child.

and hope that sinks in.

What a horrific situation. I am so sorry.

I think I would ask my son if he could arrange the meal for the mid-future, so not soon, and try and get in enough therapy sessions in so that you feel able to attend.

Not to people please your son, but so you don’t miss out on all the parts of being a mother that you deserve to enjoy.

And also so your cunt of an ex hasn’t won and doesn’t still have power over you.

If you can somehow get into a position where you are in a room with him and it doesn’t feel petrifying, it feels empowering because you are bigger and stronger than he will ever be, that would be a victory.

I’ve no idea of this is possible though or how long it would take, and I’m furious with your son for being sucked in by his grifting dad.

Sending huge love x

edited to add - I hadn’t seen the update where it’s stated he can’t work with children. Wow. You definitely need a gentle but very frank conversation with your son.

This is a huge concern imo. If he has children, will they be safe from his father? The DIL will need to know everything as well so she can make the best choice in full context.

I’m so sorry OP. Things must seem so unfair for you. Please resist people pleasing and let others know this is a red line.

I think you need to tell your son clearly simply and objectively that you cannot be in a room with a man who raped you and abused you for years. That while your son believes his father has changed, he cannot undo his behaviour and the scars it has left you with.
That your son can call you 'bitter' or any other name he chooses, it will not change that so he must accept he can't have you both at his wedding.
Then brace yourself OP for your son in his naevity and desire to have a dad, to choose his father.
Because your son is seeing the father he wishes he had, rather than the one he really does, and minimising your suffering to enable this man to fit the role. Only time and personal experience may change his mind.

Are you really in the legal profession? You seem very comfortable with statutory rape and the non-consensual kind.

OP's son's dad is barred from working with children so at some point, someone has reported him and their accusations were upheld. Would the police really still think that this was a normal relationship that OP has come to regret? This isn't an equal relationship between two fifteen year olds or a 15 year old and a 16 year old. This is between a young adult of 18 and a child of 13.

As others wrote, I think you should let your future DIL know. One way would be to meet just with the two of them. Give them all your love and congrats and then be honest with them about DS's father. Tell them both that he can't be around children and why. And tell them both, so you KNOW DIL gets the full truth, that he raped you. I wouldn't hold back because 1. your DS needs to know, he's 26, not 16. and 2. Your DIL really needs to know so she can make informed choices that will impact her life and her children's.

DIL should not have it filtered, IMO, through your DS.

Again, you owe it to yourself and to him to tell him and also to his wife-to-be and any children they may have.

I am sorry he put you in this position (both he's)

Yep, there is something really really dodgy about this poster. They keep saying deeply unacceptable things, trying to normalise child rape at the beginning, and then slithering off and attempting to gaslight with the pretence that they are just being rational and fair.

They can fuck right off with that. We all see through them.

What people need to remember is that not all, or even most of the people who come to read about people being raped, or abused, or harmed are on the side of the victim. Many don't care much, and some are positively in favour of men hurting women.

This person you are responding to is having fun and thinks he's being very clever. But he is not.

Send your DS a link to this thread. If he still wants his dad there (I'm sorry to say) he's an arsehole

This is such a difficult situation. I think you need to be really clear with your son that this is an singing decision for you as you love him so much and would so want to be at his wedding. He needs to know it is not a choice you are making just because you do not like his dad, it is a physical trauma reaction you are feeling at the very thought of even sayying him again. This might help him understand the situation without you having to tell all the detail.
If his dad really has changed at all, didn't he himself will understand he cannot be at the wedding?

I agree. OP has said that her son's dad is barred from working with children, so there has obviously been a complaint made about him at some point. I think that OP should seek advice and help from a therapist about how to report what he did to her. She will need a lot of support to do this, but it may be the only way to make the scales fall from her son's eyes.

No I’m fucking not, grow up.

I was trying to be pragmatic because if the OP doesn’t feel able to have that honest conversation with her son and his partner, it’s likely going to cause a rift she doesn’t want.

So the choices really are brutal honesty (which I don’t think is a bad thing) or finding a way to cope with the day.

I don’t know if the OP can and definitely don’t think she should have to but it is an option still.

It’s fingers in ears and I don’t want to know behaviour really. He doesn’t want to face how terrible his father was because then he’ll have to reconcile that with the man he is now. Maybe he has changed or maybe he’s good at acting like he’s changed.
Or maybe he’s so desperate for that relationship that he can’t face it at all and has reasoned to himself that it wasn’t that bad.

I can see how it happens but he doesn’t get to invalidate your pain and your trauma @GiftBaggage

I do agree with others that your son needs to know as much as you feel able to tell him and your future DIL also deserves to know before she gets close to him.

She’d be furious I imagine if she’s made him part of her family and accepted him to then find out the truth.

It is unfair to tell your son via a third party who didn’t ask to be involved. You are putting the duty of telling him onto her shoulders. That is not right.

I think I would speak to his fiancée. Or write.Say how sad you will be to miss the wedding but explain why. In detail.

I'm sure the OP can clear it up if she so chooses.

Any reflections on the remainder of my post which was much more to the point?

I have taken in what OP has said, however she has not told her son much or elaborated on what she has told him. I think telling her son everything is the only way she can get his dad booted out the wedding party.

I think if he had offences towards (other) children OP would’ve said, or she can go to the police and request data RE Sarah’s law.