Seeing people with my baby boy without my partner

A lot of PPs seem to say he must be doing something wrong, but she also won't let her DSIS spend time with the baby either. It sounds more like the mother has anxiety around being away from the baby, not a problem with the OP per se. I had similar worries around being away from my first baby initially, but not at 9 months

Please tell us what actual reasons she’s given you because without that information, she might well be entirely reasonable in not wanting you to take the baby to visit your family.

Does your family smoke, take drugs or drink excessively, for instance?

Morning, OP. We note you haven't included your why, her why, what lies beneath this yet. Nobody should be saying she's unreasonable with so little background.

And he's not 'my baby'. He's 'our baby'.

I imagine that she has explained her reasoning but it is quite interesting that the OP didn’t include it in his post.

I’m always cautious when posters talk about their “rights” regarding children.

The OP has not provided anywhere near enough info for anyone to make any judgements (for or against) the mother’s choices.

He might be a super Dad visiting lovely family members whose wife is just a bit anxious away from the baby.

It might be that the Mum has returned to work and is struggling with that and FOMO re the baby.

It might be every time the Dad is in sole charge of the baby he immediately rushes over to delegate baby care to his mother and isn’t giving himself the chance to develop his own skills and confidence.

It might be that there’s some excellent reason that the mum doesn’t want her PILs having unsupervised access to her baby.

It might be that the OP wants to take the baby to the pub and park the pram in the corner while drinking with his friends and family.

Or perhaps the mother is a horrible, controlling woman (which does appear to the response the OP would like to drive)

I hope there isn’t some poor woman having all these harsh responses stuck in her face saying “MN thinks you are unreasonable”.

I put YABU because you haven’t included her reasoning so your post has none of the information needed to make a judgement call.

if you’re only ever looking after the baby for 1 hour at a time then no wonder that she’s nervous about you taking him for longer to a place where she can’t get to.

is baby breastfed? do you regularly feed the baby and get it to sleep? if you are experienced in feeding the baby and putting him/her down for a nap, then she is being controlling. If not, then she’s correct.

YANBU and she needs to see someone as this is not right at all.

She should be happy you want to be proactive as a parent and enjoy the break for herself

Controlling behaviour. Put a stop to this now before it escalates. Totally unreasonable. You’re the father and have as much rights as mum.

Why are you talking about it being your right? It sounds as though you’re trying to do this to prove some point. What is the rest of your relationship like?

…yeah, they do. I agree that in the best possible case full agency should reside in each adult, respected by all other adults. Totally on board with that.

But, in practice, adults do get to ‘let other adults do things’. Happens a lot. You’re very fortunate not to have encountered it.

My first thought were overbearing family who’ll ignore any rules and you won’t stand up to them? Maybe she’s not giving a clear reason as she think that might offend you?
But I do think she needs to explain, it’s not fair to just say no with no justification. Even if her reason is she’s simply not ready to be apart from him for longer periods yet.

I think it depends why she isn't going. If she's not going because she doesn't want to put has to work etc fine take him. If you want to take him alone because your family refuse to have her in their house I see her point

By 9 months, this is so odd and unreasonable, I’m thinking she must have some sort of anxiety/mental health issue going on.

I’d say to her this is an unreasonable expectation but you understand it’s coming from a place of love . Tell her you will start small and build up to help her get use to it.
Does she visit people without you?
is there other concerns about her anxiety ? Would she benefit from therapy?

Dis she have MH issues? This seems very strange and as if something is missing. Should ease off in time though.

Hello! I have an 9 month old who uses me as a climbing frame! In fact I am the climbing frame of choice - all the time so love when husband takes the baby out! He often does, to run errands, get fuel, do shopping (mostly for our collection of animals), watch the local rugby team and to see his friends. Maximise her wake windows.

i hope you two work it out. It’s not normal (if there isn’t a back story here) for her not to allow you to take the baby out on your own.

initial days I was a bit nervous with the buggy/nagivating through London with the buggy/sticking to routes with baby change facilities etc but I have gotten used to it now - could it be just that she knows how challenging it can be sometimes so is trying to be helpful rather controlling?

Its normal for a mother to want to be where her baby is. A few more months it will be a different story.

Depends on the details, is it just that she doesn't want to be apart from baby? Does she stay home with baby and so is always with them, or does she work full time and get little time off that she wants to spend together? How long are you planning on taking baby? Why is it that you want to go without her and not go as a family?

It is perfectly natural for mothers to stay with their babies all the time. We’ve adapted over time but it certainly won’t hurt either of them to be together. Why don’t you look after the baby more @joelm1776 ? When does your wife go the Dr, have her hair cut, have a bath, shop for clothes, see friends?

I think it’s brilliant that you are seeking advice.

I would tread very carefully. My mental health wasn’t great when my son wasn’t 9 months but also he was my first baby and I didn’t want to be without him. I’m sure she will feel comfortable in time but for now I would sit on the side of caution and you should go together. All the best OP.

You're just as much his parent as she is and hopefully are perfectly capable of caring for him and travelling safely etc.

However. You didn't have the experience of carrying him inside you as a part of your body for 9 months, giving birth to him, feeding him. Your body and brain aren't flooded with maternal hormones that could start you lactating when you hear a stranger's baby cry. You don't feel the visceral reactions at being separated from him that she does. It is not the same for fathers.

She may become more comfortable with it as time goes on and the more you show how competent and skilled you are at caring for your child.

But for now - why do you WANT to separate her from the baby? What's driving that? Aren't you proud to bring your wife and baby to visit?

I'm thinking there's ALOT more to this story. An hour here and there looking after the baby at home is certainly not the same as taking him out for the day. Also why? Why isn't mum invited along? Surely if she's available and willing it would be better/easier for the baby to have her there too. Unless you're planning on taking him to places or people where mum isn't welcome, which is a whole different situation.

On the face of it, with the information we have, of course YANBU and she is either being very controlling or she needs some help with her anxiety.

Having been on MN a loooooooong time though, this is with the caveat that you haven't forgotten to mention that the family / friends you are visiting are heavy smokers / drug users / alcoholics / abusers of any other substance / have an American pitbull they allow to roam round / or any other sound reason why it isn't a good idea to take a baby there.

I was this mum, I found it really difficult to let anyone have our son even my husband and would have hated the idea of him taking him without me to see his family at that age. He’s a great dad (and husband!) and was understanding of my anxiety so never pushed me and now at 20 months I would be ok. I totally get posters saying the dad has every right it’s his baby etc but mums go through so many hormonal changes and at 9 months it can still feel way too soon to be separated, as pp said the baby was part of her for 9 months; I would panic about a momentarily distraction that ended in him falling off the sofa/a dog knocking him over/a dog bite/him falling down the stairs/the door being left open and him somehow getting outside honestly the list was endless and largely unrealistic. It’s not always rational but if you work together it can get better, we started with DH taking DS out for a walk weekend mornings and just built up from there but not listening to her concerns or insisting will just mean your partner is stressed and more anxious which isn’t good for anyone.

Oh yes take the baby from a clearly stressed or anxious mum without any attempt to work with them.