Bit of background: I’m 34, have a 9-year-old DS and am 29 weeks pregnant on maternity leave. Me and DP have sold our house and are waiting to move into a new one, so to tide us over we stayed at MIL’s. We expected to be there 8–9 weeks but only lasted one week.
We moved in last Thursday and within days it became clear she was smoking and drinking in the house every night. I knew she smoked, but I thought it was just at weekends outside while she had a little glass of wine. Instead, she smoked in the kitchen every night while we were upstairs with the door shut trying to escape it. DS said he felt sick from the smoke one evening. I thought as I’m pregnant and have a child, she’d smoke outside, but when DP raised it she just moved to standing outside directly under our bedroom window. She even made a snide comment to DP’s brother and his girlfriend that she’d “been told off for smoking.” She hadn’t, she just asked why we sat upstairs all the time and my partner said it’s because of the smoke.
As well as the smoking she was quite overbearing with me. She would try to do my DS’s breakfast on a morning before school and make his packed lunches. Then in the evening she would want to make us all dinner which I said was really lovely, but my partner and I said politely we will make our own food. Partly because her portion sizes were huge and she’d serve desserts that we wouldn’t touch. We had two roast dinners in the space of three days followed by cakes and cheesecakes. I said that we’d cook for ourselves and she didn’t need to make my son’s lunches or breakfast as I enjoy doing it.
I would buy the food to make our meals and my partners work lunches etc and she would always say I’ll do the shopping which I didn’t need her to as it gave me something to do in the afternoon as I was on maternity and I was bored. I did communicate all this with her but she didn’t seem to like it.
I could understand if we were there visiting over the holidays, but we’ve moved in with her to live there. I wasn’t a guest and I didn’t need to be mothered. It felt like she was taking away any independence I had left. I appreciate she wanted to help me, but it was becoming too much. I couldn’t even do my own washing or feed my own child. When I made my partner‘s lunches, she would say that I “spoiled him” but it felt like deep down she wanted to be the one making it. She was always telling me to sit down but she knows I really enjoy cooking.
On top of this, I’ve also struggled to watch her speak to her husband who has got Parkinson’s. She constantly belittled him and swore at him. I told my partner as it was very upsetting.
Yesterday, everything came to a head. DP called her at 1:30pm to say we’d be going back to our old house, mainly due to the smoking. He made sure to say there’s no hard feelings and we were just struggling a little bit as a family not having our own space. She said “yeah ok if that’s what you want.” he called me after to say there was no hard feelings and she’s okay.
When I came back from the school run DP was already there and DP’s cousin was visiting with her children. As soon as I got to the door MIL started a blazing row with me in front of everyone. She told me she was “very cross with me!” which felt so belittling — talking to me like a child. DP stepped in straight away and said “don’t speak to her like that, why are you doing this you said everything was fine earlier?” but MIL just said “well it’s not fine this hasn’t gone through way I planned!” and carried on blaming me. She was shouting at me saying I knew she smoked and I said I didn’t know that and if I had have I wouldn’t have come. But she continued to shout at me saying yes you did know etc.
I ended up going upstairs, packing up mine and DS’s things, and leaving. She then had a massive row with DP, saying everything was my fault. She even said about me “she didn’t have a problem with me smoking when I watched her son for her,” which shocked me because I had no idea she smoked around DS when he stayed there — and I don’t understand how she thinks that’s okay.
AIBU to feel shocked, angry and like I’ve done nothing wrong here?
All I wanted was to get through a few weeks until our move. We’ve had the house move from hell which has been dragging on for the past three months. I’m due a baby in 11 weeks, the house we’re moving into needs work doing before we can live in it and my partner is currently working two jobs. This really is the last thing he or I needed. I just don’t understand how she can say she’s angry? At what? If anything I should be angry at her for smoking round us but rather than making her feel like a guest in her own home we’ve chosen to leave so she can continue her life.