Single SIL never hosting

Its sad and telling that OP is choosing not to respond to any comments about her internalized misogyny. 100% guarantee this post would never have been made if OP had BIL not SIL.

I'm married w/o children and H and I hosted a big holiday once. It was a fucking disaster and we never offered and it was never implied for us to offer again. We did all enjoy ourselves but the kids in attendance omg they tried to behave but being with all their cousins in a strange home, things were broken, there were minor injuries from silly playing etc. Nobody could relax the entire time.

Its unfair to everyone to drag small children to childless aunties house for a long visit on a holiday, it sets them up for failure instead of a happy relaxing day.

It’s not reasonable to expect someone without children to entertain you, your spouse and your children. The incremental cost and work increase for her compared with you is vastly different - and it’s not the life she’s signed up to. You talk about the mental load but - as a parent - either you and/or your husband will always bear the mental load for your children and organising their Christmas. You can’t outsource that to a childless person (however affluent).

Also a family coming into a single person’s home would totally take over - no matter their intentions. Whereas a single person coming into a family home will naturally fit into your dynamic - which will be all around the children, particularly at Christmas.

What is reasonable though is to expect her to contribute on the day - for example, taking a pudding/drinks/cracker and helping out on the day with entertaining the children or clearing up after dinner. It’s not rude to say to her “Could you bring along X, Y and Z” and specify what would help.

Alternatively, it’s totally reasonable for you to say you are having Christmas just your husband and children. And if you think that would be a lot less work and stop resentment, I would do this.

My single SIL never hosts and is quite open and jolly about the reasons for it.

(1) she can’t cook (this is true)
(2) she has a low stress life, and catering for 7-12 people is more stress than she can handle (3) if she can’t have the benefits of a family of her own, she doesn’t want the work of entertaining other people’s family
(4) she doesn’t want to spend the money after spending thousands over the years attending weddings and children’s birthdays and none of that reciprocated
(5) she likes being waited on by her parents because she finds her low stress single life stressful, and just wants a few days to regress to childhood. She’s 39.

I actually really like SIL, she’s a tremendous woman who has dealt with the cards life has thrown at her with real grace and courage. But she isn’t half mental sometimes 😂

She doesn’t host because she doesn’t want to. You host because you like big family Christmases. If it’s causing you this much angst, just stop. Eat an Indian takeaway in front of The Sound of Music instead this year.

Token gifts like the royals.

I absolutely love hosting. But my MIL wont let me. It all has to happen at her house which is too small for us to fit in and means the kids get an hour at home then have to leave and spend the next 48hrs away from the toys theyve just been given. I think its because at our house we do an open house and there is a danger she might have to mix with my family too!

You've created this dynamic yourself you've taught your in laws how to treat you as you "like big family Christmases'. If you've not been to her house on five years there is no hope of her hosting Christmas. Scale back year on year so it becomes a roast dinner and some gifts.

Talking about all this 'work', 'burden' and 'mental load' - it's a glorified Sunday dinner!

I hosted my large family for many years after my parents became unable to, until my sister decided she wanted to take over (mainly cos she is a much better cook). It was never a chore, I bloody loved it. And shock! Horror! I didn't have a husband to look after my child!

There are family members who have never hosted - but who cares? I'd say to either do it joyfully or don't bother doing it at all. Christmas spirit and all that.

Your previous posts indicate that your FIL is very much part of the scene but does nothing and your husband does nothing (I'm sorry, but 'watching the kids' is a complete cop-out, as is his convenient inability to shove a turkey in the oven).

You seem to be of the belief that it's only the women in the family who should be doing the "hosting" - which I find absolutely staggering in this day and age.

I literally don't have enough crockery or pots/pans to host Xmas dinner so never offer.

I don't assume invitations though and will happily stay home alone if DH is working Xmas day and no one invites me. I always offer to buy the wine and snacks etc though, does your SIL provide anything or turn up empty handed?

Oh no… I know you’re just an internet stranger but I absolutely understand you. I love hosting, decorating etc. and not being able to share that joy with your loved ones…

Families (and society in general) can be very harsh on single people, unfortunately.

If OP (or her MIL) is doing all the cooking, it’s still just one person doing all the work. Same as SIL….

But I do believe that the person wanting to do the big family Christmas should be the one doing most of the hosting.

Couldn’t SIL bring a pudding? Starters? Or the wine? That way it might feel a bit more equal/balanced.

I don’t expect anything and always ask what I should bring.

But I am never hosting. I have made that crystal clear to family.

Well if you like the big family Christmases then yes you often will need to do the hosting. Otherwise just say you are having a quiet Christmas with just you and your husband and DC. Maybe she isn’t bothered and just comes to see her DPs. It is a lot of work so as it is your DHs family why not pass some of the work on to him? Personally I would say if you want a break just say no and let your DHs family sort themselves out.

Well, your husband has 3 months to practice cooking a roast dinner and you have 3 months to develop your child entertainment skills. Mix it up a bit this year - no one will die, even if the dinner isn’t perfect and children not entertained every minute. Problem solved.

When I was married to exH, we extended invitations to his parents a couple of times for Christmas at ours, which they provisionally accepted but then decided to head to SIL's when they received a better invitation from her. Presumably because she had kids and we didn't, so they thought it would be more fun.

After that I became more in line with the "Fuck You" school of hosting,

I agree with this. I would not want to host anyone. I am a huge introvert and hate having anyone in my house aside from my own DC.

You don’t have to invite anyone.

Although, to be honest I find my brother and SIL absolute bores so I wouldn’t go to them anyway!

Maybe she can’t cook? I can’t so wouldn’t offer to host anyone but my parents. I just have no skill for it.

OP, I have the exact opposite problem to you!
I am the single one of the family. I would love to host Christmas, it’s actually something I always dreamed of doing. I have the space to host everyone, I can afford it, I can cook, bake, I’m good at organising entertainment, I’m social, I just love to host! But in my family no one will come for Christmas because “it doesn’t make sense for us all to travel to you, it’s easier for you to come here because you are on your own” - exact response I get every year, despite my explaining I would enjoy it and appreciate the experience.
I’ve stopped going to them in the hope it might trigger a change but no joy.
Every winter I decorate my house really festively, get all of the lovely food in. Just for me!
You’re welcome at mine if your SIL doesn’t want to host you.

Have you ever asked her to host. A quick message to say you feel like you need a break from hosting and asking her to do it is all you need

It sounds like you're annoyed about the expectation and directing some resentment towards her. If she hasn't offered then she clearly doesn't want to. If you don't want to, you don't need to either. I think it's quite snide to make any kind of 'suggestion' to her. If you've got a problem with how it is change what you're doing.

Your sister in law may never have thought of it. It's possible she'd have no idea how to host Christmas. I wouldn't say anything to her about it as long as she is a nice enough person and mucks in on the day.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to, if you'd prefer to have Christmas on your own one year, say so. However, if you enjoy it, and many do, what's the problem?

Slightly off topic but not entirely unrelated... M&S Christmas food slots are now open. I'm hosting this year and have booked it already. It's all prepared and conveniently put into foil trays so it means my Christmas morning isn't spent peeling potatoes and shelling sprouts. I also opt for a turkey crown for carving ease.

OP - Make life easier for yourself if you're feeling the pressure of hosting because your SIL isn't going to magically start anytime soon. I can't recommend Marks enough it really takes the stress out of it.

Christmas Food to Order at M&S

Me and DP don't have kids, and despite living in a 3 bed house, only own 4 big plates, 3 side plates, 4 pasta bowls, 2 baking trays, a single pyrex dish, a wok and 2 saucepans. This does all we need, but wouldn't cater for family Xmas. We also don't have a giant dishwasher. We have 3 chairs at a small table, and a 3 seater sofa.

My parents and grandparents both had all this in their times of hosting Xmas, a seperate set of 'hosting' cutlery, a big dining table, range cookers, warming drawers etc. It makes much more sense for them to host. My brother with kids also has a more similar housing set up now in terms of plenty of the practical things, proper dining table, dishwasher etc.

We generally went to one of the big houses, but did all muck in with bringing courses or cooking. I actually quite like the gantt chart that is prepping Xmas dinner, it appeals to my nature, but my house and facilities don't suit 8-12 people.

Just ask your SIL to provide a course if it bothers you that much. If you've not done this and are just moaning about her on the assumption you think she cant be bothered it's a bit unfair in my eyes.