Single SIL never hosting

How does that work though in terms of cooking the items? They’re surely not bringing cooked veg, cooked pigs in blankets etc as they’d be cold by the time you ate? So someone still has to cook them even if they’ve been provided by someone else?

I always think this, too.

I do. I like the veg really fresh. But we eat Christmas Dinner in the early evening.

This feels like another thread hating on the single female sibling! (I’m still scarred by the awful thread with the woman complaining about inviting her sister to Christmas as she wanted it to be just “her family” meaning her partner and kids only after their mother had passed).

Why do you actually want SIL to host? Do you feel she’s just a useless single person? Don’t make this into a “is it usual for single people not to host”. There are probably some out there that would want to I imagine. She clearly doesn’t want to, so doesn’t.

from what you’ve said it looks like you have to host her once every three years? You do one year, MIL does one year, and then when you’re at your parents SIL goes to MIL?

You don’t really care about MIL unless SIL is demanding and expecting MIL to do a huge spread the year you aren’t there? It’ll be more effort for MIL hosting the years for you/your family rather than solo SIL. It seems SIL does try to help out as well rather than sat doing nothing having a drink?

And the year you host well yes I appreciate you may not enjoy it but that’s is your choice? If you really hate it eat out at a restaurant? And or ask SIL to stay in a hotel? Sorry your partner doesn’t help cooking and you do it solo but don’t think that’s a reason to ask SIL to cook for your entire family and parents as well just because you do it solo? Three bed doesn’t seem enough to host everyone surely? Hosting some adults is different to hosting a whole family with children and adults.

Ultimately if you don’t want to host, don’t. If you do, why do you care about SIL hosting or not, it’s irrelevant. If you want SIL to maybe support a bit more when you/MIL are hosting why not (kindly) ask her to make a starter or side or dessert?

from the sounds of it she probably isn’t massively fussed by the whole hosting and food with all the trimmings but likes to spend time with her family who do like that and clearly has no idea she’s offending you somehow. Why assume the worst of her, either let it go or have a conversation but you are coming across a bit unfair and judgemental as from what you’ve said she’s not demanding and hasn’t done anything “wrong”.

Us.

We are pretty relaxed about what hour we eat though.

We have a brunch to keep us from starving and often don't eat until quite late.

You are being very unreasonable to prep veg on Christmas Day. Who does that?!

Is there an obligation to host?! Maybe she doesn’t want to? Maybe she finds it too stressful?

what I find odd is that you want her to host family Christmas when you aren’t close, you don’t know what her home is like and she is clearly stingy? That would surely not be a joyful Christmas!

Yes, this! Christmas Day seems an odd day to "waste" on making a point or forcing an issue.

Yes the empty-handed thing is weird.

Sometimes my mum (so MIL in this thread) makes a contribution on behalf of my single sibling (because my Mum loves putting dishes together, so whatever they have been asked to bring my mum makes). Could it be that Mil is doing this op?

you don’t sound very close to this woman if you haven’t been to her house in five years. She also sounds a bit stingy if she turns up at your house (every four years?) empty handed but stays for Christmas. She doesn’t even bring wine/champagne/chocolates?

what I find odd is that you want her to host family Christmas when you aren’t close, you don’t know what her home is like and she is clearly stingy? That would surely not be a joyful Christmas!

4) she doesn’t want to spend the money after spending thousands over the years attending weddings and children’s birthdays and none of that reciprocated

Yes, I can identify with that.

DB & DSIL give me joint presents. I buy them joint presents back for Christmas but obviously give them and their kids a present each on their birthdays.

My BIL (sister’s fairly recent DH) always buys me presents separately from the ones I get from DSis, his reasoning being that I buy presents for him so it’s only fair.

I was very surprised the first time he did that & I find it incredibly touching.

She sounds like a CF, especially if she contributes nothing and lets everyone else do all the work, and pay for it all, year after year. I'd be asking her to take it in turns with the others,or at least make a significant contribution in the form of drinks etc - give her a list so there's no misunderstanding. I wouldn't have the cheek to keep turning up (empty handed) to be catered for like this!

Sorry, I get how you feel. She’s exactly like mine. Pub is the way to go!!!

some people are awful hosts / and we all expect women to do it!

my mum was an awful awful host. She got stressed and angry and resentful. My dad didn’t really help and Christmas used to be a bit miserable.

ever since I took over I cot as many corners as possible😂. I buy a large turkey crown, prepared vegetables, luxury mashed potatoes already done, I don’t peel one potatoe, or bake one desert. It makes it all a lot more expensive but also a lot more enjoyable!

I even buy premade gravy.

i start the morning with bucks fizz and pastries - all premade! The only thing i do is dilute the champagne with orange juice:

it’s still a lot of work - but I refuse to spend Christmas Day alone in the kitchen.

@Kisskiss she doesn't sound very nice! I'd be trying to switch the narrative a bit and see her as just less competent

@Theif thanks for that perspective. I think that is sadly the case in some families. I remember a friend in similar circumstances had the same experience.

I absolutely hate it and yet have to host every year. I did a thread a few years ago when I was very stressed and got the usual 'but you don't have to, why should you' from people who don't understand certain circumstances and family dynamics. Every second year either my DF is just with dSis in a place really unsuitable for hosting or cooking, or my disabled MIL is with SIL feeling low because she can't be with her GDC. I host one side each year while feeling bad about the others. If I was to stop, there would be no 'looking forward to next Christmas' for anyone. So I have to host reluctantly every year but i took a year off recently when I was too stressed for it. SIL and Dsis when its their turn always bring stuff and we have a chat in advance to decide the menu. It feels like a family get together because we share the food and workload. Also everyone understands I don't get much choice and they try to minimise my workload but it gets harder as the elderly generation can do less, they are served and wouldn't even clear a plate anymore. If it were the case that SIL or DSis turned up empty handed or shrugged and suggested they prefer a low stress life as PPs SIL does, they would really piss me off. I don't think I could pretend to be OK about it. Everyone should be pitching in in some way. If you can't host then you should be providing food or insisting on doing all the clean up. It's not a hotel

That kind of is what it is isn't it?

Welllll….yes and no. I think for a woman (such as my SIL) who has wanted nothing else in her life than to be a wife and a mother, and has watched her siblings marry and have families of their own throughout her 20s and 30s, who froze her eggs at 35yo because she thought it might keep her options open, who’s now knocking on 40 and still single and childless: there probably isn’t much worse at Christmas time for her when surrounded by her family. She often says the holidays (we’re in the US, so Thanksgiving comes first) are the worst time of year for her. I can see why. I don’t begrudge her a little entitlement tbh. As I say, she’s many other things too, and it’s not like she goes on and on about it.

We don't host ever.

I'd happily spend Xmas just us but concede that sometimes it has to be spent with family. However, what I won't do is have everyone here when I don't especially want to be with people in the first place.

So perhaps she just doesn't want to.

No. Some people like hosting. Others don’t.

I love it. My sister hates it.

You can’t force her to do it, and you shouldnt ask her.

There’s worst things than being single and childless 🤣. It’s not a pass to be entitled at every turn with some woe is me thrown in

It's a lot more for 1 person to host 4 others than it is for a family of 4 to host a single.

Exactly. She may not even have enough chairs or crockery, for starters!

I agree.

It's a lot more for 1 person to host 4 others than it is for a family of 4 to host a single. I'd ask her if she'd like to, and perhaps suggest she does it once or twice a decade.

"is this normal??"

Yes, it's normal for people who don't want to host, or don't think they'd be much good at it, and lots of other possible reasons.

But the important thing is hosting because you really want to and you know it's welcomed by the people you invite, who are then actually making it worthwhile for you by turning up, as your SIL does.

Doing it purely from a "sense of duty" would be a sad sort of fate, whether for a reluctant couple or a reluctant single, but would obviously be more work for the latter.