Single SIL never hosting

I’m the same as the OP’s SIL. Single, 3 bed house, no mortgage, never host Christmas.

Reasons being:
No-one ever shows any interest in visiting my house at any time of year so assume they can’t be bothered at xmas either.
I am expected to do all the travel and fit round others’ plans.
My house isn’t set up to host 8 people, nor is it set up for children.
I’m a reasonable cook but not great, and the DC in family are fussy eaters.
I am unbothered about big family xmas I’d be happy to go away on holiday but my parents would be hurt.
And finally (though it’s really the least consideration) the financial outlay of a meal for 8 people - I already give my nephews birthday and xmas gifts and get very little if anything in return from my DB and his wife.

So OP get your husband to help out and maybe ask SIL to bring dessert or wine, asking her to host isn’t reasonable for multiple reasons.

As a single person with siblings with kids, I never host. It's usually at my parents (biggest house) or sisters (most kids).

Frankly, for all the babysitting, helping taxi kids to clubs or whatever, kids birthdays etc, I shell out a lot more financially and helping wise their way then I get back in return. Christmas is the time they can give back to me by hosting.

My family usually do the veg. We part cook some bits at home and we finish when we get there. Pigs in blanket get put in the oven at some point (usually when mum says has anyone done the pigs in blankets?!) but that’s literally putting them in the oven. My sibling who has the bigger house usually does the meat. My other sibling brings an easy starter and makes it on arrival. I appreciate it might not be for everyone but we’ve been doing for this for a while now. I think we all look forward to Christmas Day so much more now as the work is spread out.

Also, why is the husband not counting as an adult in this scenario?

I hate these threads downing on childless female relatives. The single aunts always seem to be accused of swanning in, never contributing and drinking all the booze!

I really value our childless aunt (my sister). It’s really special for our children that they have another adult in their lives who they are a priority to and they can speak about worries to. We have wonderful
grandparents too but they are a different generation. We really value the things she does for the children - fun parcels, trips out and sleepovers.

Is it done in her terms? Yes, because this is not the life she signed up to and the children are our responsibility. But it enriches our lives.

We would never expect to descend on her for Christmas and take over her home. But I would say to her when coming to mine “Don’t arrive before X date”, “Can you pick up A, B and C?” and “Could you make a dessert the kids would eat?”

As it’s OP’s SIL, better the requests come from her husband though, I think.

When I was single (no time recently admittedly) I went to my parents for Christmas and then we would visit my sister who had children at that point post dinner. The families with children always stayed at home so they could play with their toys and sleep when they got tired.

After I got married the parents visited alternative years. We've never done an entire family get-together at any point. Admittedly I have a family who squabble if we spend too much time in each others company.

Blueandwhiteporcelain: " I always believed vegetables lose their vitamins, the earlier they are prepared?"

That may be so but would it actually matter that much for one day or even two? There will still be plenty of vitamins around the rest of the year.

I googled and found this:
"Yes, vegetables lose some nutrients when cut and stored overnight, mainly water-soluble vitamins like Vitamin C and some B vitamins, as well as certain phenolic compounds, due to oxidation and enzyme activity. However, this loss is not substantial for a one-day preparation time, and proper storage in the refrigerator, and minimizing exposure to air and light, can significantly slow the process."

We host most years. Up to 15 people some years.

How old are your children? How much entertaining do they need on Christmas morning?

Prep veg night before. DH can do this. You can chill .
Do you have starters? Pick something that can be prepared quickly in the morning and put in fridge.

Christmas morning. Put turkey in while kids are waking.
Presents
Breakfast
Play
Put veg on (it's already prepped)
Play
Take turkey out to cool
Guests arrive/presents
Guest supervise children while you serve food.
All eat together.
Ask for help clearing table/dishes.

You have a DH issue not a SIL issue.

There are a few things here. Firstly, I would have thought it's easier to add one person to a family than a family to one person. Secondly, the children-in your house have their own rooms, toys, electronics/DVDs/streaming service/high chairs/whatever. Much less fun for them in someone else's house where those things aren't readily available.
Thirdly, I've skimmed over much of this but it does seem transactional.

We do - and we have our Xmas lunch about 1.30 pm. I always believed vegetables lose their vitamins, the earlier they are prepared?Anyway, I find Christmas Eve to be busier. DH and I do the vegetables in the morning, while drinking our Bucks Fizz - it’s the quietest part of the day? Can’t see the problem?

I agree! “Hosting” sounds so formal… (I think it’s crept in from America… Not that there’s anything wrong with how Americans talk but it sounds jarring when British people start saying it).

It’s “where are you having Christmas this year? Do you want to come to ours or shall we come to you?”

No it probably isn't particularly relaxing, though we don't really think of Christmas Day as relaxing as such, so I guess we aren't too disappointed. We also never watch tv except for the King's speech maybe, and I think that frees up a lot of time on the day for talking, meal prep etc so it never feels too stressful.

Our issue is we have Christmas Eve traditions so that day is very busy too - possibly busier. And DH rather likes pootling about in the kitchen with a glass of wine after a good brunch, and I only really have to hover basting potatoes and digging out ingredients every so often. Making the Yorkshire puddings is my job, but they aren't too onerous. We also buy the pre-prepped sprouts as they are fiddly, and we usually have a smoked salmon starter which just needs slicing really,.

What I do do is set the table a couple of days beforehand, with formal setting, flowers etc so that is all ready and waiting which does help on the day.

Some people don’t like to host events and some people do. I don’t think the people who host should hold it over the heads of those who don’t… if I was her I’d be helping when you hosted though even if it was just keeping the drinks topped, helping with the washing up etc

It would be reasonable to ask her to contribute a bit more so your load is lighter.

Hosting the full family on your own if that's not your thing is a big ask, I think once you have children you tend to organise Christmas a bit more anyway so adding a few is easier.

It would be normal in my family for the person hosting to ask someone else to bring the dessert, starter or sides, or help in some other way.

If she's single does she have the practical set up to host you all?

When you have her round it's just one more person to add in, for her it's adding several more.

I usually say, ‘so and so is round ours this Christmas’ or ‘we are at Moms Christmas Day’ etc.
Hosting makes it sound formal to me which is weird when talking about friends and family in your house.

Probably just me being weird!

You haven’t been to her house in years. I expect she has nice stuff and doesn’t want the mess and destruction that families with small children often cause.

I used to host all sorts of gatherings but no longer do as I finally have nice, expensive things and don’t want them ruined to be honest. When/if we have grandchildren I will need to loosen up.

It's only just October, it's a bit early to be fussing over who goes where or why so and so never does Christmas lunch.

I'm so glad my family aren't so uptight about all these sorts of things.

Who do you think you are?

'readdress'

you can't insist someone else hosts. Host if you want to, don't if you don't. But leave her to make her own decision.

Because you having 1 extra person is nothing like her having the 4 of you.

presumably before you were married, the 4 of them had Christmas together. You've married her brother & had kids, extending the family, all great, but this is what's changed, that's your doing, not hers.

I might not have explained that well, but it's like trying to explain 'green' to a blind person.

That's very rude. If she wants to host she'll offer.

@Startrekobsessed

She doesn't have.to host. If you, DH & kids just do your own thing she'll probably spend it with her parents & while they're happy with that, that's up to them. When they are unable/don't want to, the three of them will work it out.

It may well be that she is not confident about her cooking abilities. I would not feel confident myself to host people. I could do the hospitality bit, making sure they had great rooms and home comforts etc, and were well looked after in all respects except cooking. I have never been a confident cook, and I suppose that some people who never had a hubby and kids have not got used to cooking for groups to that same proficient level.

It could be worth asking her would she host at hers if someone else cooks! But that is why you would like her to host for a change, so you get a break.

I'd gladly host people as I love social events at my home but anyone sampling my dinner for more than two people would be risking a disappointment! 😦

I'm amazed at the pettiness of some of these posts. Working out who you think should host and how often, on the basis of number of children! Really !!

Surely you invite your guests because you want to enjoy their company. If you don't want to spend Christmas with them, don't invite them. If money is tight, invite each guest or family group by saying "we'll do main course, please can you bring a bottle of wine or mince pies & cream for six."

Does no-one else find this simmering unspoken resentment a bit odd ?

Does not sound remotely relaxing to prep the veg on the day, regardless of when you eat. Free yourself from this burden. It will be transformative.

Your carrot will still be fresh if it’s been peeled, chopped and put in water the day before.

What word would you use instead?