Single SIL never hosting

I appreciate it doesn’t make sense 😅. I think there’s a wider point here: I don’t think she’s alone as a single woman who has leaned into being single. She’s well aware from her siblings that marriage and family life can be stressful at times. She doesn’t have experience of it, but she’s observed it at more or less close quarters (her mother doesn’t know how to keep anything to herself, either 🙄). So she knows that relative to her siblings, she has a low-stress life. But, that doesn’t mean SHE doesn’t find HER life stressful at times: she complains about her boss, her commute, she spent a lot of the pandemic alone, and of course the pressure she gets from all quarters to “find someone” and settle down. In my eyes, they’re all legitimate stresses. She has a lower threshold than a woman her age with a husband and children and a FT job and plus the boss/commute/etc, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Why should everyone have a high-stress life? Horses for courses. She has enough self-awareness that in many respects her life is easier than it is for others, and enough self-respect to know that she doesn’t have to apologize for that, and enough respect for others to be understanding of this state of affairs.

ETA: sorry, she doesn’t find her lack of stress stressful. She finds her low-stress life to be stressful at times.

Personally I’ve never had a family Christmas anywhere other than my parents home We don’t have the sort of 50 people round a table that takes 3 months of planning Christmases. Think the most people I’ve ever spent the day with is 8.

I much prefer to spend the day alone or seeing my DS but accept an invite to my parents every couple of years out of politeness.

I can’t remember anyone else ever inviting me over for Christmas dinner in my life.

Because some people do love hosting. I would assume if somebody regularly hosts it’s because they want to.

She told you her life is low stress snd she finds the lack of stress, stressful?

@ButSheSaid Do you expect to be asked to a family member’s house (not your parent’s house) for Christmas? Why would they enjoy hosting anymore then you do?!

Because she told me…?

God it’s hard enough work when there’s two of you fully involved. I wouldn’t attempt it on my own.

But isn’t it equally stingy to refuse to host or contribute in any way.

some people on this thread could give scrooge a run for his money!

Nothing exemplifies the spirit of Christmas like begrudging a blood relative a few sprouts...

How do you know she has a low stress life.

Spot on - "why is she not martyring herself like I am, she's not playing the female martyr game I don't like that". But if SIL did "host" and was fabulous I think that would go down like a lead balloon. Don't do things that make you feel resentful.

Ditto here! I have always had co-ordination disabilities (which have sometimes been interpreted as 'just not bothering'), and find it very difficult to cook a big meal, so that everything comes out at the same time, and co-ordinate all the preparations efficiently.. And am very nervous about being observed and criticized over these things, in the same way that some people are afraid of exams or public speaking. I would actually rather sit a high-stakes exam than host a big dinner for a large and critical group at a perfectionist time of year. It's not so much fussy eaters as such who upset me, as people who may be harsh and critical about my physical awkwardness and inefficiency.

Like you, I'd be happy to host at my home if someone else takes charge of preparing the meal. Happy to help (so long as the host is patient with me), and to provide extra goodies.

Also, if the SIL lives on her own, her house may not be set up for large groups, or 'child-proofed'.

Sadly, MN has taught me that people really do think like that.

I also have a friend who watches her spend when out. Fine. But she also watches everyone else's spend such that if someone "gets ahead" and orders an extra juice, she will say "Oh well I might as well have one too if I'm paying for others to have one." She never does have to pay as we always each pay for what we order, but even the fear of a possible even split is enough to have her driving up the total in proportion.

Yes. The past 2 Christmases have been me & my cat, neither was planned that way but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed them.

The thing is for her she would be adding a whole family to her table, which is a lot of work, whereas when you host her you are only adding one meal, which really isn't much extra work if you are cooking for your family anyway.

Agree. I’m almost 60 and never ‘hosted’ in my life. I’d much rather spend Christmas on my own but do feel obliged some years to accept an invite.

Why does it bother you what someone else is doing? Maybe she doesn't want to host, that's her right. It doesn't make her a bad person. You don't have to host if you don't want to either.

I think it's more likely that she probably just prefers having Xmas in her mother's home. That's very normal from what I've seen with my adult friends who still have their parents - they still go to their family home for Xmas and the parents do it. Does SIL not help her mother cook and stuff?

Stop focusing on things that don't matter and looking for problems where there are none, and enjoy the fact you have a big loving family to spend Xmas with.

Unfortunately, this post isn’t satirical. A couple of my other posts are satirical though which were my responses to people who ‘telling me off’ 🤣
Perhaps I should start another thread on freeloaders at Christmas but it’s probably been done to death.

I know. They are really grim. And I have totally detailed this SIL thread! Sorry to the OP.
Unfortunately, some posters are taking my other tongue-in-cheek responses too seriously. Mumsnet slays me sometimes and, occasionally, I cannot resist being provocative. I shouldn’t do it…

I love hosting Christmas ⛄ 🎁 and plan menus, table setting etc months in advance! I'm single but have a grown up daughter who is married with a little son. They hate ' hosting' as much as I enjoy it and when my Mum was alive I'd do it all for her and my sisters too. I always ask for contributions however as couldn't afford it on my own. I 🤔 ask your SIL to bring food or be responsible for some aspect of the day - perhaps the turkey or evening meal/snacks. It's a real cheek to attend every year and not contribute anything!

It doesn't matter if she can cook ( I'm sure she can!). As 1 out of 8, if she helps out at bit each year (as OP says she does), she's doing at least her fair share. Shame the same can't be said of OP's DH.

Can your sister in law cook? Is she happy cooking? I ask, because I'm the one who never hosts. The thought of cooking any kind of meal for lots of people terrifies me. This hatred of cooking for anyone else stems from childhood, and a critical mum, and I'm 65 now.
There are loads of reasons why your sister in law won't volunteer, but, if you're thinking of putting pressure on her to do so, it's not going to work. Oh, and please don't do what some of my family do, throw little remarks around about her not doing it, else she'll just dismiss the whole idea anyway.

I am a single SIL with no children. When I was a kid, our parents told us where we were having Christmas - now my siblings' do what the kids want - and that's usually to stay at home. I would love them all to come to me for Christmas. Could she be scared to offer for fear of it being rejected? I know it always makes me feel inadequate.

This must be a satirical post!

Surely no sane or kind person thinks this way!

I was going to say the same . I have three sisters and two us like ‘hosting’ the entire massive family at times and two of my sisters really don’t feel confident. I think that’s fair enough. Especially asking one person to cook for so many.