Single SIL never hosting

Why haven't you asked her?
I never host, my house is tiny, my table sits 4, my siblings have bigger houses.
I always bring wine, trifle, and wash up.

OP, you need to be a bit more vocal. Tell people to bring dishes. Turn the TV off. Tell your ILs to look after their grandchildren.
As GPs, if we go to one of our children’s homes for any meal we always look after the children. We also offer to help. At Christmas, I usually bring prepared dishes. I just ask before what they want me to bring. We also bring the wine.
Your sister in law may just not want children messing up her home or it could be that she has never thought of entertaining.

Why don't you play with DC and DH cooks?

If you rarely go to her house she might not like hosting anything never mind Christmas. What does she do on your family year Christmases?

I think you need to interrogate your own internalised misogyny, OP. You certainly wouldn’t be asking this if your husband had a brother rather than a sister.

"Cinaferna · Today 13:55

zeebra · Today 13:20

What is her financial situation like? Without knowing this I can't say. One person has to earn quite a bit to make up to two people's salaries. Can she afford to host everyone at an expensive time of year? I speak from experience as there is a similar situation in my family.

I understand this, but once you have kids, two salaries are just as stretched as a single person running a home. She has a 3-bed house so she can't be broke or she;d have downsized/taken in lodgers."

Exactly. I read this a lot. That couples have more money. A couple on their own would, sure. But a couple with kids is going to be more stretched financially than a single person living alone (especially if they're mortgage free like the SIL here)

If your argument is that it's unfair because you do all the work in spite of being married, then I'd say that your problem lies with your husband.

In normal circumstances, hosting should be easier for a couple than a single person.

Bet you wouldn't be expecting her to host if she was your brother-in-law and not your sister-in-law.

Women don't have to host and cook for everyone just because we're women. Why isn't your husband cooking for his parents and sister? Why does it have to be you?

No one is forcing you to host. Just start having Christmas with only your immediate family.

My brother is single. Much as he loves his nieces and nephews, it would be his idea of hell having them all run wild (I use that term in jest) in his house on Christmas Day whilst they’re fuelled on selection boxes, the joy of Christmas, and excitement would be his idea of hell.

He does, however, turn up with a lovely joint of cooked lamb on the day so does do a bit to help.

YABU. It is a very different thing hosting as a singleton to a couple. And it's not just about 'he's playing with the kids'. If you CBA to host just say so.

It's 3 instead of 2; it's 4 instead of 1.

I’d never expect someone on their own to host if we had kids. If they had kids as well it would be different.

I understand this, but once you have kids, two salaries are just as stretched as a single person running a home. She has a 3-bed house so she can't be broke or she;d have downsized/taken in lodgers.

OP, say you need a break from hosting and say you'd love to come to her or to have a quiet Christmas with the family. If she says "I can;t do it on my own) say that you do. (As long as you truly do: all the shopping, prepping, cooking, cleaning up afterwards?)

I love hosting Christmas and don't really mind the work. I'd rather be in the kitchen listening to music and prepping veg than sitting on the sofa for three days. But if people find it exhausting, I don't understand why you don't split the work. Ask her to bring starters and pre-dinner snacks or Christmas pudding, sticky toffee pudding for DC and chocs. Ask DH to wash up.

This was my immediate thought. I also think it is more relaxing as they have all their gifts etc already there and you don't need to feel they are "taking over" someone else's home. We used to all go to grandparents growing up and it was quite a scene - and luckily my grandparents had had a big family so were very tolerant of new kites being flown down the stairs etc!

But if you would prefer to go to hers op, then I'd just ask if she minds hosting.

Either way, I would say I really remember my big family Christmases fondly and can never understand the threads on here where people want to have it without grandparents etc.

Bet this wouldn’t even be an issue if you had a brother in law

I don't think you should ever host on the basis it should be reciprocated - how resentful you're feeling right now proves that.

We are the hosts amongst our friends and family 9 times out of 10. Likewise, our kids' friends over the years have always come here more than any other. I love it being party central. That's our choice.

Christmas will include many events, and I'm already enjoying browsing the recipe books, thinking about what to make.

Christmas shouldn't be a chore. Entertaining, hosting, cooking for others whatever you want to call it - shouldn't be a chore. If you don't enjoy hosting your family then don't. What your SIL is or isn't doing is nothing to do with you - because whether she wants to host is up to her.

Maybe it's the house,

My friend hosts a lot but her house is set up really well for children of all ages as she has children aged two to 9. I don't often host her at my house as my front room has a glass table, unsecured bookshelves ect so it's not viable for her toddler who likes to bang things on tables and climb things

It’s your husband’s sister: tell him to speak to her

When I was single I hosted my mum at Christmas every third year (my two brothers hosted one in three too)

I didn’t always go to my brothers’ houses for Christmas because I didn’t want to. I would’ve had to drive mum to them every time they hosted & in the case of one brother, that was the sole reason I was invited!

Does she host other things? I think that it's very easy for it to happen that the people with children/grandchildren tend to host - their houses are set up for children etc, and it works well. Pre kids, I hosted my family at my home regularly, but I admit, I don't think I would have thought to host christmas only becuase my nieces and nephews would have had a very boring time at my house with just their new Christmas toys. As we've had kids etc, we can take turns because each house becomes more "kid friendly".

If you're feeling a bit resentful, perhaps suggest chanting the format. we've always taken a fairly communal approach to Christmas. Last year, we had a particualrly big christmas with both family and friends and I was in charge of the vegetables and side dishes. Others brought canapes and snacks. someone else did the main course. One person did beef, another did turkey... it was a whole thing and went really well! So maybe you should do that?

When I was married we used to all go to SILs because she had children and wanted to be at home which is fair, she also had the bigger house. However, we were all expected to contribute in some way. MIL used to divvy up who brought what, and who was responsible for it element. So SIL brought the house (obvs) desserts, and the drinks, PILs would bring the meats and extras, me and XH would bring the vegetables and the breakfasts. We would stay Christmas Eve to Boxing Day so me and XH would make the breakfast every day, PILs did the main meal and SIL would do the in between bits. We also took turns to wash up and prepare meals. It worked so well, although at first I thought it a bit ott everyone knew what was expected of them and there were never fall outs plus SIL got to be with her husband and kids too. It’s the part I miss most about my old life!

Flip this Christmas on its head. Say that you found it stressful to do everything while DH manages the kids, but really enjoy a big family Christmas and you're looking forward to seeing them. So would MIL and SIL be prepared to split starters and pudding between them [arriving with them prepared preferably] and you'll take care of the main and the sides.
Or just say that you and DH have decided that going forward it will be MIL, your parents, solo family Christmas and you will host them all every 4th year.

Your kids are small, going to SIL's will be more stressful so while I take your point that she swans around never having to do the heavy lifting, I'm not sure Christmas is the place to make your point. Does she ever host you all for any meal?

She might be the type that ideally she would like to be away somewhere for Christmas and only joins in because she’s invited and it feels expected.

Some people also don’t like large quantities of people to cater for, and some people deep down aren’t really bothered about Christmas.

You state you like a big family Christmas, and my guess would be she either doesn’t, or feels overwhelmed by the idea of having it at hers because she doesn’t have children and isn’t used to catering for lots of people. Also as a single person she might not want the mess!

You either invite her or don’t, but you can’t expect her to take a turn if that isn’t her thing.

Normally I go to my parents for Xmas (me 50, them 78) plus my sister and her family.if she wants to host I have sent her an £100 M&S voucher to pick up stuff (none of us dribk) to cover costs.
i won’t ever be hosting people in my 2 bed flat. I am quite happy to have Xmas on my own.
at parents we all chip in to help.