Single SIL never hosting

My spin on it as a single woman. I am MASSIVELY underconfident when it comes to most things but cooking especially as I only have to look after myself. I wouldn't have a clue how to cater for a lot of people - it would be different if someone else cooked it and brought it along. My house also needs some bits and pieces done to it, so I get a bit embarrassed. She could have valid reasons and it's not fair to judge her based on her being single.

I think is because she is just one and although you may endings doing the lot you count as many

My best guess would be she either has not thought much about it or she dosnt want people in her house/dosnt like the thought of hosting.

I think the whole “but we have to host” line a bit pathetic, no one is forcing you, we live in a world now where it is perfectly acceptable to say no to family, we do.

It is quite normal actually. I'm not sure why. I have kids now but a long time ago when I was single and childless I was often treated as a less 'proper' part of the family, had to share a room with my (divorced) parents at christmas once eg, rarely consulted about how things were done. The kids were always very very central to any xmas arrangements and that often felt quite annoying. I always thought the recompense was not having to shove my hand up a turkey's bum every other year tbh.

So your husband really isn’t hosting either? He’s just relaxing and playing with the kids, which presumably he’d be doing anyway.

I’m not sure why you expect his sister to take a turn with the cooking when her brother never has.

You have a DH problem, not a SIL problem.

I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect one person to feed and host 7 other people compared to the family of 4 hosting 3 other people. Don’t know how old your kids are but she may also think you have all the highchairs, cutlery, toys etc at yours so it’s easier all round. When I was single I never hosted my friend + husband and 2 kids at mine for the same reason (and didn’t have space).

What you could suggest is she cook Christmas lunch at yours 1/3 years so you sometimes get to sit down and relax.

Have you actually asked her to host?

In my experience some people (especially those who like a big family Christmas) object to other people stealing their chance for “Christmas Hosting Glory”. She might think you’d be upset at dropping to once in every 4 years.

Alternatively she might dislike a big family Christmas and be dragged along out of politeness every because your MIL makes her. 😆

My sister and her family never host, my PIL will host immediate family but not beyond that. They have their reasons but mostly they just don’t like doing it.

Their choice, and mine to host 12 people every year.

Not everyone has to contribute to the family in the same way.

If you want to be "fair" there are 5 in your household, 2 for mil and 1 for sil. So even removing the children yours and dh turn should be seperate so you do two out of 5 Christmases, mil and fil do two out of 5, and sil does one out of 5.

As you at your side every other year that means over 10 years sil should do 1. Mil should do 2 and you should do 2. Is it really worth stressing over?? It probably is nicer for your children to be at home. And if you want more help with cooking or supervising ask.

It is also not unreasonable to ask sil if she would like to host, but wrong to expect. You say you like the wider family Christmas and are willing to take a turn, if you want to pull back from that you could. But you cant insist sil steps up.

Of course, but there are two adults in your house, and in your PIL, so not one adult doing everything, and someone to watch the kids.

I don't mind hosting christmas.
I've never enjoyed Christmas when I've been at someone else's for it but I don't mind hosting.
Since I had kids I've always done Christmas at home with them. Some years we have guests some we don't.

Perhaps she just doesn’t want to, or perhaps she’s a really shit cook etc?

She shouldn’t feel pressured into hosting.

I imagine it’s because she’s simply a taker rather than a giver. Some people would just rather not volunteer to do anything and will wait it out for someone else to jump in there and do it for them.

This is literally BIL and SIL. They have never hosted anything ever. Nor has MIL at least not in the last decade or more, since all her kids moved out. Her partner doesn’t allow anyone over to the house, even though it’s her house and Dh/BIL’s family home. BIL/SIL won’t host either because too much effort and cost. They will come to ours though, not just for Christmas, but the whole week around it, empty handed.

They often bring a few beers (I don’t even drink) and one year, I think we got a packet of crisps. No offers to get a takeaway or cook a meal. One year they bought us a round of drinks at the pub though. It’s eye watering expensive to feed and water several extra adults 3 meals a day plus snacks for a week at Christmas. We can’t even be like, right, let’s go out for a meal, because it’s 50/50 if everyone stares at the ground waiting for us to pay for that too.

I hate it. It makes me angry all year long. One summer they even came along on our family holiday. Turned up in their bloody camper van and parked it in the drive of the Airbnb and there they stayed for the week being fed and watered and tagging along on days out. 😩 Dh has a tricky family and he would not see them otherwise, so I sort of stuff down my emotions and try to get on with it, so he gets to spend time with his family like once a year. But it breaks my soul.

Last year I got cancer and we didn’t host (didn’t see anyone either) and it was great. This year, still have cancer though much better, but I’m still not hosting and we might go away. We won’t see anyone again until they can come stay at ours and be fed and watered, so who knows when that will be. Dh is twitchy about it, but I think it’s great.

Why doesn't your husband suggest it? He could suggest everyone goes to her for Christmas lunch and then back to yours for evening drinks and snacks.

My sister and husband have never hosted and I dont think it would ever occur to them as they dont have kids and they also dont really cook. Never really bothered me though to be fair. I dont mind hosting and do have the space but I dont have the cooking facilities (or will to do it) so will only host if the in laws bring the majority of the food :)

I do think it's important at family christmas's for everyone to contribute. Nothing worse than the people who don't. On DH's side we have a few of those. There always seem to be reasons why we can't ask either. My resentment is just simmering at the moment as although I hosted last year and this year - it wasn't the full christmas thing as we are/were with my family - but next year, when it's back with them, I think I'm going to have to say something because quite frankly, BIL and Adult Nephew not bringing so much as a packet of crisps is really starting to wind me up.

It matters because she is a single person, as in 1 person. So is it unreasonable to expect her to host compared to us, a couple

How ridiculous! It's like saying that a family of 4 should entertain less than a family of 6! If you want to be pedantic on numbers the single person should do 1 year and the couple 2 years.

What happens when it’s your family’s turn? Who hosts then?
I don’t think there’s any harm in saying “shall we come to yours this year?” or any harm in her saying no. Or say you will have Christmas dinner in your house but can she please arrive early and help with the prep.

Maybe your SIL isnt a confident cook and the idea of cooking for six extra people feels overwhelming? Think about it. What feels doable to you might feel next to impossible for her. So the effort involved in hosting is not comparable, really. And don’t forget you will be seen as a competent cook and she might think you could judge her.

Tbh OP, I wouldn't expect a single person to host, I'm assuming, at least 6 guests for Christmas. At the most basic level I doubt she'd even have sufficient cutlery, plates, bowls etc? Even dining chairs?!

To me it makes much more sense for her to travel to either her parents or you for Christmas, and it sounds like she does help out so not really sure why you feel like she needs to do the whole thing herself. Also not sure how old you children are, but if they're younger her house is unlikely to be set up with things to entertain them (although obviously they'll get gifts on the day I guess?)

I think I'd feel quite awkward to take my whole family round to just one person to host everyone, unless I knew they were really keen to do it, and I'd end up helping out loads anyway. I'd rather be at home I think!

You’re choosing to be a martyr. Give your in laws clear instructions to watch the children and bring particular dishes, and have your husband help out with the kitchen grunt work. I’m sure he can peel and chop vegetables and help wash up as you go.

Hosting Christmas would be quite a challenge for someone who's not even used to everyday catering for a family. Have you ever asked her if she enjoys entertaining? Does she show any interest in getting involved?

It could be she'd love it but because she's single it's always been ruled out based on assumptions. Why not invite her to take on one or two tasks this year (e.g. table setting, tree decoration, cheese board, starters, whatever) and see if that gets the ball rolling.

Also. I wonder. If this were a single BIL in a three-bedroomed house, would you still mind that he never offered to play host at Christmas?

And yes, it’s entirely normal for a single person not to host.

I have a lifelong friend who has never married or had kids; I’m married with 2 now adult kids.

We either meet in London, or she comes to our house. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to her house, and most of those were after she had an operation.

This has never been something I feel resentful about - for her, hosting four people for lunch/dinner is a much bigger undertaking than for me to host one person (plus I have other people around to help out). And I get so much out of my friendship with her, as do my kids, for whom she has always been a trusted adult and an excellent sounding board.

She has a brother and nieces and nephews, and always spends Christmas with them and various members of her sister in law’s family - it’s a big group of people taking turns to host. She doesn’t host but that’s not an issue - she contributes in other ways.

Resentment is a nasty and unattractive feeling, OP. Don’t allow it to build where it doesn’t need to.

I am a single person. My sister is married with a kid and a dog. Our dad is on his own as our mum died years ago. We all live in different places several hours apart. Christmas is always at my sister's house. They are the most complicated ones to move, with the most stuff, and it makes sense to keep the 4yo and dog in their own space rather than driving them across the country to make hosting "fairer". Plus I live in a tiny maisonette so people would have to come and rent an Air B&B to come to mine for Christmas Day. And our dad is 70 and while he keeps himself fine he realistically couldn't "do" hosting Christmas.

HOWEVER - we chip in money, food, drink, and help with a lot of the prep and cooking and washing up. And not just for Christmas lunch, across the few days we stay.

What does your husband say about it? Have you asked him why she never hosts Christmas?

If a single member of the family intends using their single status to get out of entertaining the family at Christmas then they should at least offer to bring something, wine maybe. Even a single person must go in Sainsburys at some time near Christmas. Anything less is selfish.