Single SIL never hosting

Would you and your kids even want to come to her house if she offered?

I was the single SIL when siblings were married - they never came to visit mine because it was
a) smaller
b) not equipped with all the kids stuff
c) kids didn't want the faff of getting stuff ready and driving to someone else's and then back when they could be comfy at home with all their own stuff
d) neither did parents because it meant one of them couldn't drink

Sounds like it's not just your immediate family you're expecting her to host but also her parents. In which case she literally might not have enough stuff even if technically she had the space - you're asking for someone who usually caters for 1 or maybe 2 if her partner who doesn't live with her visits to expand to 7.

When I lived alone I literally wouldn't have had 7 plates, sets of cutlery or dining table and chairs to seat you all, only had 1 loo, etc.

I think in families it is usual for the ones with biggest houses (which usually correlates to the larger family group) to host because it just makes more practical sense.

Of course that doesn't mean she shouldn't help out with costs/bringing some pre prepared food and drink or whatever is needed. But I would think very carefully about whether you really want to raise this in case she enthusiastically agrees and then you find out that actually its not particularly fun for you - at least hosting you have control over proceedings, if she hosts and wants to eat much later or serve more/no alcohol or cook the cheapest versions if everything/ really rich food your kids don't like or whatever you have to go along with it.

I always have images of ‘Abigail’s Party’ in my head when there are threads about ‘hosting’.

I think there’s only as much pressure ‘to host’ as you put on yourself, OP. Your SIL clearly doesn’t want to do it, so she doesn’t because the pressure you feel isn’t there.

So the inlaws don't bother with your children whilst you are cooking, what do you think you'll be depriving them of if you decide to not host and have Christmas to yourselves?

OP you have said you like a big family christmas. You are getting a big family christmas every year. What is your problem?

Perfectly normal. Some people simply dislike hosting. I am a “single SIL” too and would never host.

There is a big difference between hosting a family of 5 and including one single person in your Christmas festivities.

If no one else 'hosted' and you had Christmas just as a family each year the mental load and work would not be much less than having your sister in law along as well.

I would agree with the other poster who said it's about how many people are involved rather than how many households - 5 of your family, 2 mil & fil, 1 sil = 8.

You host 5 times, to mil twice to sil once every 8 years. That would be fairest. I imagine she buys gifts for your whole family whilst only getting one herself?

As far as needing more help I would suggest looking at your husband, as he is also responsible for your 3 kids 😀

Being blunt, you need to ask your SIL to bring food and drink with her to contribute rather than getting her to host.

Maybe she doesn't want to? With our families the people that "host" are the ones that want to. We usually alternate between my parents and partner's parents but if there wasn't an invite then I would stay at my own house. I have never hosted but have offered an invite this year as have moved and and am quite excited to have Christmas in our new house.

How old are your kids? If she has her lovely 3 bed home, she might not want young kids marauding around her perfectly curated space. I can think of a friend who is like that - can barely cope with visitors upsetting her space

I loved Christmas as a child. But I never ever wanted to leave my own home. Lucky I only remember it happening once when we went to my grandparents.

And it’s women doing it. The men seem to have miraculously disappeared.

Could you not just say “SIL do you want to host this year?” I’m sure she’ll probably tell you why she doesn’t. Maybe she’s a bad cook, bad at planning events or doesn’t like people in her home. Or maybe that’s just been the set up for so long that she’s never even thought about it.

Does she know how?

It sounds ridiculous but I never hosted anything when I was single because the idea of cooking for other people was bad enough but all the other things people expect at Christmas like decorations and extra food and all sorts would have been utterly beyond me. "We" host Christmas alternate years now but it's all DH. I just do cleaning up.

I will happily bring anything I am asked for to anyone else's house and follow any instructions from the head chef or clean and tidy up after everyone. But solo hosting? Nope. Not a chance.

Wrong post

Ask your DH? He probably has a better understanding. Also think about alternating the cooking/entertaining kids duty. I always opted for cooking, because with prep, it’s quite a sweet deal.

In my family it's always families that host, not single people.

The biggest reason is that families have a bigger house that can fit everyone - a single person usually lives in a small flat that won't accommodate a number of guests and have a big kitchen/dining area to cater for everyone. On a minor note, kids might also prefer to be in their own home or in a home that has more space, toys and play areas, ie a their home or a cousin's or other family home.

Then we do have members of the family that just rarely host. I don't know why, they have the space etc, that's just the way it is. It's never been a problem as far as I know.

In your case, you say SIL has the space - do you think she might feel that it's not her place to host? Maybe she has complicated feelings over being single with no kids? Or the family has just fallen into the pattern of not seeing her as a host? The family could suggest it to her as a form of bonding and inclusion, as a kind of 'we wanted to see if you would like to,' and see what happens.

Yes, there's truth in this as well. Children tend to be more easily disgruntled ( or vocal) about the food not being done the way mum does it, whereas adults sort of grin and bear it if it's not how they like it.

If I think back to before I had dc, I might have felt a bit intimidated by mini gourmets - especially when it's the big meal of the year! Now i understand its just low nutrient carb and sugar and they are happy.

Interesting that your husband gets a free pass at not cooking because “he’s rubbish at a roast” but you’re complaining about your SIL not doing it?

To be honest I think it’s normal for families to do the hosting.

I’m single albeit with kids so not the same but the thought of having to host 6-7 people on my own is quite overwhelming tbh. I’m also not a confident cook.

Maybe she's just not that into Christmas. Maybe she feels unconfident hosting. Maybe she doesn't like the idea of all those people in her home. It's no one's business really. Maybe in the future if your ILs do stop hosting, perhaps you could ask her if she wouldn't mind doing one year. But she's allowed to say no.

Yes, because there's two of you to share the mental, financial and physical load (even if you have to look after your own children!) and only one of her.

If your DH leaves it all to you and doesn't help out, then you have a DH problem, not a SIL problem.

In any case, don't host if you don't want to. Its not obligatory.

If you are single your house may not be set up to host.

Maybe she doesn't have the required pots and pans, chairs, dishwasher capacity, oven room, parking spaces, beds etc

Your house is probably a lot less family friendly if you are single and not set up to cater for large numbers of people.

Maybe you could ask her politely would it be possible for you to arrange X ?

Where she is probably not doing so well is not being a bit more generous in her contributions to the effort.

Yes, very true.

She's being judged for not hosting. (So always taking but not reciprocating) Not for being single.

We always hosted my parents and single sister and Uncle - it just made sense to, we've got 5 kids and it was a lot more hassle to take them all to someone else's house. The kids preferred to be at home with all their stuff here and being able to go off to their rooms when they want.

There's no way my sister would have been able to cook a huge meal for so many people - she's just not used to it and would have got in a right flap! We used to spread the work though, with one person bringing the starters (easy things like smoked salmon or prawn cocktail) and someone else making and bringing desserts.

Why not suggest you all muck in and everyone brings a couple of dishes and you just do the turkey, roasties & gravy?

That was my exact same thought. It would never even have occurred to me to expect a single childless relative to host, for that very reason.