Single SIL never hosting

There is definitely a 'thing' that single people are not expected to do certain family things, I think this expectation is within certain families and I've definitely had conversations with my friends about this. Usually as soon as someone has kids and is up to their eyeballs they are expected to take over the reins on hosting with the older generation. As long as someone stays single and child free they get away with it. I have no idea why, maybe an old fashioned idea that the dinner should take place in a 'family' home?

Personally I don't agree with 'maybe she doesn't want to..' if you are going to show up every year and be part of the event then you should be offering to take turns. Its a family get together, if everyone adopted this 'why should I' attitude then it would be OK for OP to invite everyone except SIL because 'why should I' works both ways. But that would be mean and selfish and totally against the whole spirit of the celebrations.

When I was single I didn't host Christmas. To be honest it never occurred to me. But I lived in a studio flat, so that just wouldn't have worked on many levels.

Also, if you routinely only cook for one person then the prospect of cooking Christmas dinner for a group can be daunting. It doesn't bother me now, but it did worry me then.

And, as someone else has said, she may be thinking that your kids will be happier in their own home. That's when we started hosting, when we had DS. I dragged him half way across the country on one Christmas morning, and back again that evening, and vowed never to do it again.

I can see both sides. I can see why it's irritating to you, but I can also see why she hasn't offered.

Great minds...

Just ask her.
Ask her outright if she would like to host this year.

Accept her answer but if she declines suggest later on that
she would be a huge help if she could come over early to help you and DH prepare the meal.

If your SIL were a man would you expect him to host? I doubt it

There's some definite penis-privilege going on. OP, if SIL was BIL and he was helping prep and washing up, would he be expected to host?

I bet he'd be on the sofa doing nothing with FIL, and no one would care.

What else would you call it?

There could be lots of reasons she doesn't want to host. Is she happily single? Does she have social anxiety, a very stressful job, money worries? Is her house full of expensive breakable things, or very dirty, or does she have lodgers? Does she have pets who are very jumpy or territorial? My point is, you don't know why she doesn't want to host or hasn't offered, it is the height of entitlement and rudeness to insist she hosts, given she hasn't offered to. And you also won't have a nice time being hosted by someone who feels pressured to. If you are fed up of hosting, say that you are doing your own thing this year, and simply see everyone for a Christmas drink in a pub before or after the big day. You also don't have to do something you do not want to do.

Maybe she finds the whole Christmas thing unspeakably tedious and only turns up out of politeness?

Just ask her! Maybe MIL has been shutting it down, maybe she doesn’t want to interfere, maybe it’s never crossed her mind. Or ask her to bring xyz - whatever you find is most awkward.

My family never wanted to come to mine when I was single but I’d have loved to host and now we rotate between my brother and I.

Why don’t you just mention it to her or get your husband to if it’s bothering you so much

well you could always make sure you got more ...

Because it does what it says on the tin?

It would be a massive amount to spend though when you're just one person, even if she could afford it, proportional to how much of it she'd actually have herself. I don't think I'd be too keen to spend a few hundred quid on food and drinks and crackers etc when I'd only have one person's share of it myself.

Mavis!

I'm going to cross-pollinate that suggestion to the baby name threads!

I think it's better for the kids to be home tbh, but you need to ask her to contribute.

"Hi all can we split the load a bit this year? Mavis can you bring a starter and a couple of bottles of wine and Mum & Dad bring the pud?"

We used to go to Grandparents but that still felt more or less my own turf - as it did to all the cousins, and a cousin's home probably wouldn't have felt that way to the rest of us.

Suddenly had an overwhelming pang of wanting to be a child again!

I’m confused who the “ three of us “ are. There’s your MIL, FIL, SIL, you and your husband , that’s 5.

It sounds to me that your problem is your husband “ watches the kids “ instead of taking his turn hosting . So it’s his turn this year, you watch the kids and let him host HIS family .

Our family Christmasses are never all on the host. Everyone brings stuff, the items are allocated out. I expect us to bring a dessert, salad, and main meat dish or nibbles to dhs family Christmas this year, plus drinks. Similar to the Christmas at my mums, I’ll coordinate with her what we bring.

It's appalling that your SIL turns up completely empty-handed every Christmas. So rude. For those commenting that maybe SIL can't afford to host, OP said she earns 80k and has no mortgage.

She doens't need to host if she doesn't want to, and neither do you. Just say no and don't be a martyr. Also, are your kids well behaved? Speaking as someone who child free there's no way we would host my SIL and her kids as we had so many delicate things in the house, sharp corners etc. And the way her kids eat is throwing food everywhere. No thanks.

Its between your family and your husbands, which includes SIL. So really its an issue for the in-laws to sort out and if MIL is they are content to give her a pass, that's between them. If it was you every single year I could understand but if the agreement is you alternate between DH family and yours, then I don't see the problem. You don't have to host, another member of your family could do it. Or you could just spend Christmas with your immediate family. Lots of posters complaining that hosting Christmas falls on them, but it doesn't - they can say no.

Agree with what PPs are either hinting or downright saying: you're resentful of the unfair distribution of work, OP, but you're taking it out on the wrong person.

You say she earns well and has no mortgage- fine, but that's still her shouldering the cost solo when you and your husband don't have to do that. Solo living is already more expensive, and when you chuck in the fact she's also paying for all the Christmas presents, cards, decorations etc by herself, it's a lot.

Then there's the fact she'd have to do absolutely everything from start to finish with nobody else even to take the bins out- you say you do all the cooking but are you saying your husband does literally no part of the day?

If you want to ask her to contribute more, like bringing dessert or something, that's one thing. But there's truly nothing to gain from trying to make her feel in any way pressurised into hosting if she hasn't herself offered- you can only make her feel got at, and other family members won't thank you for adding unnecessary family tensions at a time when they're not generally thin on the ground anyway.

As for waiting another 15 years for the kids to leave home and then asking her- sorry, but can you not hear how obsessive and unhealthy it sounds even to contemplate that? Either stop hosting yourself, or make others do more when you do, but one way or another you've got to get over this.

Perhaps she can't afford to?
That would be a fancy meal, plus snacks and drinks for at least 7 people.
Perhaps her house isn't childproof?

This is how I’d see it too op, if it’s causing a resentment I don’t think you should carry on hosting.