Single SIL never hosting

Indeed. I’d attend with my parents a big event at my sisters with her family/kids.

but I’d be equally happy just me and my parents.

of course the sad thing is the future when parents are both gone and this sister in law (or me) is on her own for Xmas.

@Kisskiss the straw that broke the camels back was after plonking herself down at the table, and not helping any carry dishes in or even make room on the table as more arrived ( I was having to lean over her to play platter Tetris ) I finally sat down as a sweaty, frazzled mess, and DS asked her to pass him the gravy. She told him it wasn't her job to look after him. What a cunt.
I told dh I am not cooking for that knobhead ever again.

You're actually being rude now, re-asserting repeatedly that you know my SIL better than I do. Who do you think you are? Do you really think that because you too are a single woman living (I'm assuming) some 4000 miles away from my SIL, you know more about her and her life than I do? You have no idea what country she lives in, of her marital history, of her culture, ethnicity or social background, of her sexuality, of the dating culture she lives in. You know the sum total of fuck all about her, or me. You are projecting. "Clearly". Please, stop.

They didn’t get my back up but I concur with the rest of you post!

It’s clear this poster looks down on the SIL for not having the “serious” responsibilities of children / spouse.

And definitely sees non spouse / child related stressors as “lesser”.

I doubt SIL truly sees their life as “less stressful but stressful”. I think they simply say “oh nothing like what you experience” to put a stop to the sneering.

Just responding to what you wrote.

Top post @Bellyblueboy ! I have a hugely demanding & absorbing job.

I'm also a good cook, can have up to 10 people staying in my house, do the washing & the cooking etc etc for all of them.

But as a single woman, I'm the one who does the travelling because it's easier & cheaper for everyone else. I'd love to host, but well, I can see the logic, obviously.

I think @Startrekobsessed is really just about asserting her will & power in her husband's family. She thinks herself superior to her SiL because she's the married-with-children woman.

It's so so silly, and her lack of criticism of her husband's non-effort, or indeed, her own parents and siblings (as opposed to in-laws) says a lot.

I know that I’m getting a little shrill about this @JHound! Family dynamics can be so awkward sometimes, people don’t voice their feelings, they feel obligated, etc. It’s far easier when we’re all open and honest, but some many MN threads show that’s not always the case!

Ok. The point was it’s fair to assume somebody enjoys hosting when they do it. Repeatedly.

If OP wants other family members, beyond just her and MIL to do more she can use her words.

@JHound Good for you, I expect you contribute abit more to celebrations than the OP’s SIL does though and that you wouldn’t mind if whoever hosts you decided not to do it anymore.

The impression I’m getting from the OP’s posts is that she would like to host less often. Perhaps her best option is to step back and let others deal with the consequences.

We have the opposite situation in our family. One of my SIL won’t leave her dogs so everyone has to go to her, which includes boarding our dog and paying four airfares. 😂 So we can’t go every year. She’ll end up spending Christmas on her own at some point, but it’s her choice.

I think women are adults and can choose not to host. I don’t and yet am also a woman.

Fancy that.

I’m going to quote a random comment from a few comments above this one…
”Because some people do love hosting. I would assume if somebody regularly hosts it’s because they want to.”
How would you go about communicating that same message without using the words “hosting” and “hosts”?! These are just run of the mill words!

Ha, ha, @TorroFerney @JHound , you really think that women aren’t encouraged pushed into assuming certain roles within families?

Do you know whether she’s any good at cooking a roast? Or if she enjoys it?

I'm British and I'd say it. It's fewer words than 'they are coming to mine' and encompasses the cooking, shopping, etc. I would say 'we take it in turns to host' because it's a quick way of communicating all that. Nowt to do with thinking I'm posh or put upon.

Of course - silly me!

Agree 100%. But I hate it as it reminds me of my mum who, when I’d committed some terrible crime as a teenager (perhaps had pegged the washing out „wrong“) told me I’d never be able to run a house. Run a house, you live in a three bed bungalow mother. It’s not Longleat. But, she had very little agency elsewhere so made up stuff to make her feel more important. Sad really.

Oh god there’s your mistake. You need to assume that every woman is doing everything under duress but you need to guess that as they won’t actually tell you.

I’m the single person in my family and have never hosted - partly because the size of my house we’d have to eat in shifts but also because we’ve just always done it at my parents.
However, I do contribute more than my fair share and arrive early for setup and stay till everything’s tidied after. Last year I supplied 90% of the food.

I completely understand the point you’re making. It’s not possible to make a sweeping statement that encompasses all single women (with reference to anything). I did not make a single sweeping comment. That poster was challenging me on my SIL. I can state for the record that she tells me these things herself! I have no insight beyond what she tells me (although I know her job is middle office, there are no board positions, there are no people to manage, she works 8.30-5.30 in an office - about as far from managing and A&E dept as a person can get!). I also don’t care about any of this that much: it’s not a competition. This is an anodyne thread about Christmas dinner. I’m not sure how anyone can possibly challenge me on what my SIL tells me about herself

You are coming across as patronizing and clueless - which is probably what’s getting this other posters back up.

Maybe your specific sister in law has a low stress life - but the smug way you have expressed it is grating.

‘She has a lower threshold than a woman her age with a husband and children and a FT job and plus the boss/commute/etc, and there’s nothing wrong with that.’

i am childless, my life is still quite stressful - I lead a team of 150 people, have caring responsibilities for elderly parents and volunteer on a couple of high profile boards. I can find myself being interviewed on the local news or radio at short notice. Stress isn’t a competition - but not everyone who has a husband and children automatically has more stress.

we all choose our paths and cope with our different lives in different ways. But I am always entertained by the smug ‘you don’t understand stress until you have children’ comment. In fact my friend - who runs a busy A&E department was once smugly lectured about how she can’t possibly understand stress until she has a toddler🤣🤣🫣. She doesn’t have a husband either imagine how void of stress and work her life is: no child, no husband just a busy hospital to run.

It intriguing people never make these jibes at men who don’t have a wife of children!

@JHound Or perhaps they feel obliged to. 🤷

There was another thread recently where the OP didn’t want to invite her sister who’s single for Christmas and she was crucified (she was being unkind tbf).

If no one offers to host, then anyone who’s single is left on their own, aren’t they. That’s the OP’s situation, her single SIL will be on her own if no one invites her.

Which is fine if someone wants to be on their own, but that doesn’t sound the case here.

Obviously not the word itself, but yes, I do think using it in this particular way, in this particular context sounds very American to my ears. No British people I know in real life would say "We're hosting Christmas this year", they'd say "We're having my parents and sister over for Christmas this year".

You want a big family gathering at Christmas as, presumably, does your MiL but does SiL, or does she turn up out of a sense of "duty"? Maybe she doesn't host because she'd much rather have a more low-key affair with just her own parents but can't deal with the drama if no-one else was invited.

I think I have a better grasp on both my SIL and myself than you do, but thanks for your input 😬

Doesn’t sound like she views her life as low stress. Sounds like you view it that way.