To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

YABU
You can put up with it for one night. She's a friend, she doesn't care about the state of your house and she's happy to sleep on the couch. You can warn her in advance you need to go to bed early and then you can follow through with that and she's welcome to watch TV, help herself to late night snacks etc.
You're not a good friend though. She's making an effort to travel 3 hrs to visit you (and 3 hrs back) and you aren't even "feeding her" because you're going out for a meal and you expect her to stay in a hotel or to get the train back the same day.
If you don't want to put yourself out this one time, just for one night, just cancel but don't expect the friendship to survive.

Can you not just meet in the middle for a coffee? Surely, 1.5 hours train journey will be like £30? Then coffee is £4. Have a catch up, head home late afternoon and you are in bed all snug for 10pm. No hosting, no sleep issues, no expensive nights out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do your friend a favour and cancel now. Let her find something fun to do instead of enduring you

If your friend were to post on here about how you keep putting off her visit after arranging it, she would be told that you do not want her to visit and to cool the friendship.

And that would be the right thing to do for her.

Let her sleep on the sofa. She is there to see you, not judge your house. Experience the anxiety and overthinking. Feel the discomfort and do it anyway. Constantly being limited by anxiety and overthinking only ever leads to increased anxiety and overthinking. Ultimately, increasing your isolation.

Which is more important for you to keep? Your anxiety and overthinking, or your friend?

Yes half an hour to decompress (or longer!) is ideal but this is a one off.
I’ve stayed with friends recently who took themselves apologetically off to their room at 9pm because they were shattered and that was fine. I would have been way more offended if they’d asked me to stay in a hotel.

i would rather suffer discomfort for one night than upset a friend.

Agree. It is suggested so many times on here and I think it’s awfully rude and abrupt. Fine if it’s someone you don’t want a relationship with, but to say this to a friend is pretty grim tbh. I don’t think there’d be much friendship left.

Or she hasn't made many friends in her new city and she's lonely. There are easier ways to extort something from someone than travelling halfway across the country.

I am wondering why she is being so pushy to meet up after 4 years, what has changed/happened? The cynic in me thinks she wants something.
As I got older I stopped having people round for coffee, food or overnight. I just don't want to. No one has ever had a problem with it, it amuses my friends and they just accept it. I am happy to pay for coffee or lunch out I just don't want to host, I also don't do evenings. I do realise that I am unreasonable but there is no point my pretending to be a happy host. Friends accept you as you are.

Oh, it's one bloody night. Put your big girl pants on and get on with it. We all have to do things that make us uncomfortable once in a blue moon, it's hardly going to kill you to host her for one evening.

The amount of agonising over a few hours! She'll be gone before you know it and you can get back to your usual routine, and if your discomfort shows as much as you're making out here, then I'm sure she won't darken your door with her friendliness again!

Presume you didn’t read my second post explaining why

I completely understand all of your reasons and I have also felt similarly on many occasions. I think where you have gone wrong and where you are a bit unfair is that you have let the preparations and discussion come this far. You should have shut it all down until you were ready to do the visit on your terms. Tell her the couch is not an options as you are doing house renovations and it’s just not a good time. Otherwise suck it up, it’s one night.

In the future, I would avoid giving half assed excuses (like the fact you don’t have a spare room) because that’s not the reason you don’t want her in your house and either avoid the whole thing or just suck it up. Giving weak excuses only makes you look strange and unreasonable.

I think you'll need to suck it up to be honest. Quite rude to expext her to come all that way then pay for a hotel.

You'd say that to a friend who's travelling quite a distance to meet up with you?

OP, do you think the fact you’ve not seen her in person and feel you need to “perform” might be adding to your anxiety here? Obviously it feels overwhelming and I get there are multiple reasons this doesn’t feel like it’ll work socially for you - but she clearly is craving connection and wants to see you. Your best in this situation is more than enough (and if it’s not, well, she’s not your friend anyway).

I know you said money is tight, but could you rustle up enough for a cheapish hotel room in the city centre? You could both stay there (share a room or get one each), saves the faff of getting a taxi home after a meal/drinks

If someone treated me like that, I really wouldn't feel like their friend; I'd feel like a nuisance.

So rude! Presume you are friendless.

Just tell her the couch is not an option either as either yiu or your partner will need it. Tell her that unfortunately yiu just can’t accommodate her now so either she comes fkr just the dsy or later in the year.

Friend sounds pushy and insensitive. It's sad that someone would invite themselves to stay over then guilt trip you into hosting them overnight, when you've tactfully said it's not convenient. You don't have a spare room, you have a chronic illness (fellow endo sufferer here) and you're awaiting new wardrobes.

She should pay for her own accommodation, if she wants an overnight trip.

I'd tell her you can't have her at yours overnight. You don't need to give a reason. She can come for day or book somewhere.

I doubt she really expects to share your bed?

I don’t blame you op.

Why can’t people understand that everyone is different. And some things are just really hard and draining for some people.

OP - has she replied about your suggestion to meet half way in the new year. Sounds like the best idea to me

So no spare room it will be the sofa

house messy /extra stuff about

she likes late nights you don’t

be blunt

say the sofa isn’t the right length for sleeping on so be the floor /blow up bed

have a tidy up

get a blow up bed. Always handy to have. Think mine was £15 from Argos

do say to her you are tired /need sleep and will be in bed early /by 10/11 and needs to sleep on sofa /floor but if that’s ok with her then you would love to see her

honestly your reasons are a bit meh. She’s travelling hours to come and see you. You haven’t seen each other for 4yrs
it’s one night. Not a week

That's you though. People can be friends without staying overnight with each other. I get where you're coming from but we're all different and if the OP was such a rubbish friend then she wouldn't be in this situation as she clearly is a good enough friend for her pal to want to stay with her!

No coz id let my friend stay

People could say the same about you...