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Original poster

What do you think of this living situation with PIL? Living next door :/

65 replies

Crowde · 02/10/2025 19:05

Dh and I are looking for our first home outside of London. I’m 30, Dh is 33.

A creative suggestion has been put forward and I am very torn.

PILs have a bungalow on a very large plot in my ideal location - the outskirts of a very pretty (and desirable/expensive) market town that has a train st within walking distance. It’s very quaint but extremely connected. They have been granted permission to build a three build, two storey home. They were going to sell the plot to a builder but have offered it to us. The plot is 0.7 acres. It would be split in half.

PILs are very respectful and certainly wouldn’t be dropping in without notice. But it just seems far too close for comfort.

What do you think? We would end up living in a house and location we otherwise simply could not afford. Dh thinks we would be mad to turn it down in this economy.

OP posts:
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SparklyLeader · 12/10/2025 19:27

Buy the land from them, both parcels if you can because it's in a good area so it will hold its value or increase. You would be crazy not to do so.

ItWasTheBabycham · 04/10/2025 11:13

I cannot stress enough that they need to sell you the land at market value. Use proper lawyers and everything. That way if you want to sell in 10 years you can.

KickAssAngel · 04/10/2025 10:59

How would they feel if you sold the house and moved fairly soon after it was built?

Harassedevictee · 04/10/2025 10:14

@Crowde the biggest problem is not having open and honest conversations before you make any decisions. These can be difficult and need you to really think about them. Examples:

  • If MIL died and FIL went into a home what would happen to their home?
  • If FIL had a stroke or dementia and needed personal care who would provide it? And vice versa.
  • Elder care - shopping, cleaning, appointments etc. how much are you willing to do? how much would DH do?
  • What would happen if DH was sadly killed in a car accident? Would you need to sell the house?
  • What happens if you and DH divorce? What are you entitled to from the house?
  • Have you all had independent legal advice and made wills, LPAs and done a deed of trust?
  • How will you respect each other’s privacy?
  • What are your views on how to raise children, on DNRs, elder care etc.?

Really think about the next 40 years as each of you age and life events happen - happy and sad. This long running thread might be an eye opener in-terms of elder care.https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderlyparents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=8&reply=147187072

Soonenough · 04/10/2025 05:19

Do it. It's very common in NI to do this . And not just one family. Not unusual to see a compound like situation . Everyone gets the advantage of a desirable site on which to self build . But for legal reasons all boundaries are Land Registered
Childcare will be an added bonus but be prepared that elder care might also be expected.

StewkeyBlue · 04/10/2025 05:19

Are you experienced project managers for a build?

My concern would be keeping a handle on the timescales and costs of building a new house.

gerispringer · 04/10/2025 05:14

Id go for it. My DD lives 5 doors down from me and its lovely. We can go days without seeing them but quite often they drop in for a cuppa at the weekend and we feed their cats and take in parcels when necessary. Yes there might come a time when they help us more than we help them but thats families for you.

MumsGoneToIceland · 04/10/2025 05:00

Could you discuss some possible boundary rules with them if you were to live next door and guage how well they are received. Also mention to them that it’s unlikely to be your forever home but could be a good solution for a few years. It sounds like financially it’s a good stepping stone but I would also have some reservations

WatchingTheDetective · 04/10/2025 00:53

From that point of view, what if you wanted to move later on? Would they be happy having the house there with someone else living in it?

Lockdownsceptic · 04/10/2025 00:23

Jump at it. You won’t get another offer as good.

signiffig · 03/10/2025 07:03

My in-laws moved next to their dd, everything was fine until fil died and mil became increasingly needy. Sil is unable to say no and has become overwhelmed and feels trapped and her inability to say no has put more demands on the rest of us, she complains bitterly about how unfair it all is -It’s an absolute disaster. Mil is a very different person to who she was 20 years ago. You may think this is a good deal but you will pay the price eventually.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2025 21:46

I'd bite their hand off, yes! As long as the land gets transferred into your and DH's names though BEFORE you start building. If not, you'll end up with an unsellable house!

Oaktreet · 02/10/2025 21:44

No way would I do this. I have good in laws (no toxic behaviours, generally respectful of boundaries) but having children changes your relationship with your in laws in ways you can't imagine.

Me and husband previously lived a good distance from our in-laws but moved to the same village and it's too close for comfort. I had so many issues at the start with unannounced visits and social expectations (which also put strain on my relationship with my husband) which I spoke up on in the end because quite frankly I couldn't live the rest of my life that way.

The boundaries have been respected which I appreciate but I find our relationship isn't the same. I previously had a really nice authentic relationship with my MIL but the reality is despite the boundaries I've put in place she's still slightly more involved in my life than I'd like her to be and it means I no longer enjoy the relationship like I used to or feel like it's an authentic one. It's sad to be quite honest.

Monkeytennis97 · 02/10/2025 21:33

Just watch a few episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond… would be a no for me although I love my PIL very much.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 02/10/2025 21:30

It could be the best or the worst situation. From what you say, I think they'll be okay, respectful of boundaries.
You can always move if it doesn't work out.
I have always lived close to family, dh is happy here as an inlaw.

mdinbc · 02/10/2025 21:29

I would. I would make a stipulation that if you ever sell the property then they would get the value of the property as it is now (not future value).

I could see upset if you decided to build, then in five years sold for profit.

Tumbler2121 · 02/10/2025 21:22

They are effectively giving you the value of the site. How about they sell it to a builder, and you have the money for a home if your choice?

Givenupshopping · 02/10/2025 21:22

Crowde · 02/10/2025 19:17

We can just about afford a very small but somewhat depressing house in the new build estate around the corner.

OP, when you say 'We can just about afford a very small but somewhat depressing house in the new build estate around the corner', do you mean around the corner from your IL's, or round the corner from where you live now? If where you live now, (in London), then I feel sure there must be lots of other places that are close to train lines, in addition to the place your IL's live in, and some of them may well be cheaper, enabling you to buy a much nicer home in a place of YOUR choosing, rather than in a place that suits your DH, and his parents.

In your shoes, I would do LOTS and LOTS of research BEFORE agreeing to this proposal, because as has already been pointed out to you, they WILL expect pay back at some point, and particularly as they get older. You'll likely be very surprised at how quickly the time between them being fit and able in their 60's, to turning into grumpy old people passes, and you suddenly realise that more and more is being asked/expected of you, simply because you live next door.

I also feel that with almost 50% of marriages ending in divorce, that the likelihood of you and your DH staying together is fairly slim, and as they're his parents, naturally you will be the one expected to move out, whether or not the break up is your fault or choice.

PLEASE, PLEASE, think this whole thing through, and then think it through again, as all too often these sort of arrangements end in difficulties for everyone!

Emma2803 · 02/10/2025 21:19

Do it. We built beside my in law's. It was/is fantastic to have family so close, especially once we had children. My in-laws are like you described yours and being, and we would visit them more often than they come to us.

The children adore their grandparents, plus it's so handy if I need them to keep an eye on them for a short while. They can nip over themselves now they are older. Also great if we need someone to sign for a parcel! 🤣

Saved us an absolute fortune not needing to buy a site, or save for a deposit.

JLou08 · 02/10/2025 21:18

I'd be snapping it up. I would want to be sure on the deeds and that it was my plot and completely separate to PIL home. I'd see being close as a bonus as DH and I would be contributing to caring for parents if needed as we did with grandparents.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/10/2025 21:15

@Crowde mil will not be out of your house when you have a baby! couldnt have that!

GinToBegin · 02/10/2025 21:12

I’d do it, but i’m expecting to be increasingly involved with caring, so being that close, without actually living together feels like the best of both worlds. Near enough to help and support without added travelling time, but then your own spaces at the end of the day.

averythinline · 02/10/2025 21:00

No no no....Not in a million years... I wouldn't want to be that beholden to anyone....
Your instincts are telling you this .. it's why you asked...
Get a house somewhere you can afford yourselves

TheCurious0range · 02/10/2025 20:57

Depends how well you get on, when I'm Rightmove lottery win shopping I always look for somewhere with a separate cottage and stables for the in laws!

ETA the stables would be for MILs horse not her!!

BlueSeagull · 02/10/2025 20:56

Absolutely not, not ever. Doesn’t matter how good a relationship is you need some distance

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