Aibu - BIL's wedding

I don't think you're being unreasonable. When we got married we'd wanted a child-free wedding but as a lot of my family live abroad and would be travelling over for it I didn't think we could say that as I couldn't ask people to leave their children behind.

That said we've been to some abroad no-kids weddings and either brought in-laws along to babysit or left kids at home with grandparents. But if that's not an option for you then it's not an option.

Only thing is, people can be so weird about weddings. And if you don't go and cause a rift, would you regret it? Given you were going to make a holiday of it anyway could you go and just suck up sitting out the no-kids bits with the kids and going to the pool or having some fun doing something different through those bits of the day.

I'm not saying you are unreasonable or they are reasonable. But sometimes life is too short and it's better to keep the peace.

I imagine one day you'll get an apology when they have their own kids and realise what they've asked of you. I had a heartfelt apology from one of my own mates where I'd attended her abroad wedding 5 weeks postpartum (brought baby with). She'd obviously assumed I'd come, no questions. When she had her own 5 week old a year later she realised what a huge stretch it had been!

For a 2 and 4 year old so that their parents can attend a wedding not wedding? On a holiday at a kids club when older sure but not at those ages surely?

Yes in hotels with kids clubs and babysitting services

Family members who complain about being caught in the middle have actually taken sides and not with the person they’re complaining to, IME. I would say ‘sorry, but no’ and not be drawn into further arguments.

I think you need to grey rock this. I suspect that however rationally your DH sets out his reasons for the both of you not going they'll just pick arguments. If I was you I'd be avoiding long debates on it and keeping what you say simple.

Ask his mum what she thinks you should do. Pay all that money to spend four hours all together as a family? It's bonkers.

Do people actually do that, travel to another country and just leave their children with strangers?

Its 11k for a family holiday

Could you hire childcare out there

11K for a party you won't even be able to go to? No way!

Family or not your BIL can't dictate that you're both at his wedding, then get arse achy because you can't attend due to restrictions he himself is placing on the day.

Knowing that you have DC and not allowing them to attend from start to finish is also dictating that you'll have to find a way of getting someone else to look after them, his suggestion of your DM also flighing out there too isn't something that's feasible.

You and your DH have done the best you can in at least finding a way in which he can have his brother(?) attend.

If that's not something he agrees with that's then up to him to compromise and allow DC to attend all day or accept your decision, as you have his.

DH mother is only throwing fuel into the mix, best she keeps out of it and lets her adult children sort it between themselves.

FGS

It's not even a wedding it's a piss up in another country.

You were already being more than generous in agreeing to spend over 10 grand on attending this party and if I were you husband I wouldn't be entertaining this nonsense now and would tell them not to bother. Honestly there's no point in trying to be logical if all they are going to do is throw a tantrum.

Tell them you can’t pretend you don’t have children.
There’s no one to look after them.
They either come with you to the whole thing or one of you stays at home to be with them there.
Your kids can’t be without one of you, which option do they prefer?
idiots

Eleven grand!!! 😳

A family rift? Seriously? Does it get any more ridiculous than that? Just because your DH said he’ll go to BIL’s party (it’s not a wedding) on his own?

If my family threatened me with that crap I would probably tell them to grow up and to get back in touch when they’ve got a fucking grip of themselves.

And if they didn’t then I’d assume we were never that close anyway.

He’ll have been married for over a year by then. It’s not a wedding it’s a party. And to expect people to shell out eleven grand on a party and to not bring the kids isn’t even worth responding to IMO.

So yeah, I’d just say to BIL that it’s his loss.

The cousins won’t have a relationship anyway given how far apart they live, so you’ve lost nothing there.

I don't even know where to start with this one. Madness all round.

They can have a child free wedding.

Relatives with children don't have to attend.

Their expectation that you will attend is unreasonable. You have children, you don't have appropriate childcare, and the costs of this are massively unreasonable to expect a young family to shoulder.

And they're already married!!!!!

An invitation is not a summons and they would do well to remember that. This is a fucking party, not a wedding. I think they're fucking entitled assholes expecting people to fork out £11K for a fucking party and then having the fucking nerve to argue with people about it.

It is sometimes unavoidable that families fall out, this is sad but you should never expect to be walked all over. DH going by himself is the best answer in my opinion.

As you stated, they are quite within their rights to have a kid free wedding...(party... forgot, they have already been married A YEAR!)

And you are quite within your rights to not attend the event because you have children and have childcare issues.

They cant have their location child free party and demand people attend (in another country with children)

Unless they want to organise and pay for full day babysitting services in the country of the event? Even then you're still not obligated to go. And tell MIL to keep her nose out, none of her business.

11k? I didn't spend that on my own wedding, never mind attending someone elses. Nope YANBU. stick to your guns, dont go.

Let your dh speak to his brother to reiterate. We are not flying half way across the world for a wedding we aren’t attending. He’s being an idiot.

Why do their wishes not to invite your children trump your wishes to not go ?

They are CFs and think life is all about them but it’s not . I wouldn’t spend 11k on anyone never mind someone who has made it clear my children are not welcome .

BIL is being absolutely ridiculous. MIL is being quite ridiculous for tolerating his nonsense instead of telling BIL to get a grip. She doesn't need to be involved in the slightest.

DH is being very accommodating to fly 8 hours away to a wedding his wife and children cannot attend.

IT is all very well that BIL wants you both there, but he is choosing to hold an event that makes it incredibly difficult for that to be the case. Just stick to your guns. It is not you, it really is them causing the drama.

I lived abroad in multiple locations for years and have many friends abroad. It is widely understood that if you have a wedding in a distant location, your closest friends may not be able to attend due to logistics or cost.

The way around it is to have several in-country receptions that allow your social circle in that locality to attend easily.

Has your BIL considered a UK based mini-wedding reception?