Aibu - BIL's wedding

I understand child-free weddings. But I can’t imagine not just having my own nieces and nephews there and never will. OP I think your compromise is perfect. You are doing nothing wrong. The ball is in their court.

Anyone who is planning a destination wedding/asking people to spend a lot of money on travel etc should have zero expectations about who says they can come or not.

It doesn’t matter if it was the Queen asking you, nobody gets to decide if your financial situation would cover all the costs and even if it did it’s up to you to decide if you’d want to spend that much money on a wedding.

11k could be a new car, serious home improvements etc.

Be clear with MIL from the get go that if this causes a family rift it is 100% the fault of your super self-centred and utterly rude BIL & SIL!

To be honest inviting people with small kids to an event ABROAD that the kids couldn't go to ALL of is something that people who weren't UTTERLY self centred and VERY rude would not do!!

he was going to cause a family rift.

Oh no, how awful if these people wouldn't talk to you anymore. Whatever would you do.

She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding.

Well yeah, cos ELEVEN grand.

I wouldn't be going and I would be saving that money for when a boiler/car/roof needs repairing.

All of the above might not be the right fit for the OP but if it's a choice between logistical challenges and a huge family rift (even though BIL is the unreasonable one) I'd personally go for figuring out the logistics and avoiding the row if physically possible.

Genuine question but why? Why should the OP and her family be the ones to make all the adjustments? It sounds like these in laws are the kind of people who will find anything to fall out over so if it's not this party then it will no doubt be something equally ridiculous and to be honest I'd rather say no now if I were the OP than have them fall out with me at a later date when I've spent 11K.

You're not being unreasonable.

Just explain you're mum isnt in great health and can't look after the kids for extended periods of time and you're not comfortable leaving them with strangers you don't know. Therefore it's dh goes alone, or not at all.

As someone else said if mil wants to to pay for all then get the money up front.

The only thing I can think of that makes this make any sense is that because they live there they don't realise how much this will cost you.

Do a reverse, would they spend 15k (if you add in your DM) to come to a party at your place?

It would be a hard pass from me. Very hard pass. For a start they’re already married. It’s a very extravagant party and half of you aren’t invited! If they decide to fall out with you about it that’s on them. It’s an invitation not a summons and you have a lot of reasons to decline. The cost is exorbitant and prohibitive.

Bloody hell, I would happily start a family rift over being treated so shoddily.

Mil will forgive dh as he is her child who is living in this country so I wouldn't worry about that.

Personally, I think dh should sack it off. Spend the money on something that will benefit your children.

😳😂 at the thought of hiring childcare on top of the 11k you would have already spent.

Hardly a family trip though is it, if you have to spend yet more money on childcare instead of enjoying a family event together?

Stand firm. Your DH going alone is a nicer gesture than they deserve.

1. You don't know the country. It might be somewhere like the Caribbean where there are lovely hotels which are set up with kids clubs where they could stay. Or if the BIL lives there live there, they may know someone! A nice cousin or friend who's a nursery nurse or something. Obviously no one would hire strangers.
2. The OP says there are some things the kids could come to - a few hours here and there. So in theory they could do a bit of Tetris of kids come along to some bits, childcare for a few hours to allow mum to do other bits, mum comes home for bedtime (or something). I have done this myself where we've attended weddings kids not invited to. It's a pain but for a close relative wedding necessary.

All of the above might not be the right fit for the OP but if it's a choice between logistical challenges and a huge family rift (even though BIL is the unreasonable one) I'd personally go for figuring out the logistics and avoiding the row if physically possible.

It was 11k for a holiday, with a wedding in it

Other childcare services exist

It’s not even a wedding.

If the venue is over 21s only, it’s unlikely it has a kids’ club. And most hotel kids’ clubs do insist the parents are somewhere onsite - you can’t drop them off at breakfast then leave the hotel to do wedding things all day, and get back at 2am to retrieve them after the reception.

YANBU at all.
The absolute cheek of expecting someone to fork out 11k (!!!) to fly to a country to attend -but not actually attend -a second part wedding.
DH attending alone is a perfectly valid and sensible solution. There doesn't need to be any rift and you've been polite and fair. You haven't sulked or tried to make them change their choices. They are being entitled idiots.
If I were you two, I'd refuse to discuss it further. You've made a decision and told them.

I’m slightly gawping that you were willing to pay £11k to attend the wedding!

Can you go out and have a nice holiday, and dh attend the wedding event solo?

You just know that when these people have children they will expect the entire world to revolve around them.

Well, as this couple are already married, it's just an expensive party, FFS! Nobody can force you to go, OP so stand your ground - it's already very generous of your husband to offer to go solo.
Just stay polite, and maybe offer to take them out for dinner once they're back in the UK.

Of course I've used a kids club and 4 year olds go to school but hiring random strangers in another country just so the OP can appease these relatives seems a ridiculous idea. An older child attending a holiday club for a few hours is very different to leaving two very young children for most of the day.

Have you never used a kids club?

At 4 kids go to school and are left in the care of other adults all day every day.

At 2 many kids go to nursery 8-6.

Not suggesting this is the right fit for the OP or even available in the country they are going to but childcare isn't evil in and of itself

Why lie? They were going to go until it became child free. So surely be honest and say we’re not all going to come and make it a holiday when the kids can’t be part of most of the events.

I'm absolutely supportive and like child free weddings but being child free and abroad makes it a logistical nightmare.

The sad thing is that even if your DH goes on his own, he will have to put up with all the rancour this attitude has stirred up with BIL and MIL.

Even if you all capitulated and did what they wanted, its not like they are suddenly going to start being nice to you both again is it? They don't sound like the type to get over arguments quickly.

I wouldn't wan't to go to a party where people were treating me like that. Much less spend £11k for the favour.

I ve used babysitters for evening out on holiday, a few hours here or there would certainly help