Aibu - BIL's wedding

When my nephew got married, he and his bride organised a children's menu for the wedding breakfast and a childminder at the venue. It seemed like a very good idea to me.

I wonder whether the OP's BIL would be prepared to organise something similar?

Remind them of this when they have their own kids and watch them cringe with embarrassment. YANBU at all, they can have whatever kind of wedding they want but your family is a package and so you are entitled to decline. They can lump it and MIL needs to keep her nose out.

It’s very insensitive of them. It’s hard enough for people to leave behind children of that age when there’s a wedding in the UK. You say you’re crossing multiple time zones. I wouldn’t want to leave children of that age behind.
If I was inviting people to my wedding, as I have actually done in the past, I have sorted out local childcare for people who have young young children. Recognising that they probably wouldn’t attend unless I made it easy for them.

I think you should be open about your finances and say it was always going be a stretch, and having to work out childcare makes it even more difficult

These are people that 1) want TWO weddings 2) want a destination wedding that they know will cost their guests thousands and 3) want to avoid children at their wedding despite being told that would make it difficult for the grooms own brother to attend in full.

They are clearly incredibly entitled people with a huge sense of self importance. There is no way I’d be doing anything inconvenient for them. They sound awful. And I’d normally love the idea of a family destination wedding.

What if you’d decided to kick off about your children not being invited, as people on here sometimes do? Would MIL put pressure on them to invite her grandchildren, or does your MiL favour your BIL?

OP has said they wouldn't really pick the area for a holiday location, and also that their financial position isn't as good as it was. Sounds like unnecessary stress rather than a great holiday. I'm sure they would rather pick a location they really wanted to visit for a holiday, for less money and where the whole family could be involved in all of it.
DH going for the weekend is the perfect solution. Much cheaper and easier.
For MIL to blame THEM for starting a rift is outrageous. Imagine not only expecting someone to spend that amount of money, but to also spend thousands more on flying out the OPs mum to babysit for a few hours 😳 paying for return flights, insurance, food and accommodation. Unreal levels of entitlement.

Hahaha. You are so not being unreasonable - and this one I REALLY want to hear the outcome of because (1) it’s a groomzilla situation and we don’t often see those (2) MIL obviously under his thumb and/or in awe of SIL’s wealthy family and worried you’re making her side look like the poor relations (3) BIL obviously under the thumb of SIL and/or her wealthy family (4) I want to know how this enormous culture clash is going to play out with YOU being the designated unreasonable ones…for not blowing £11,000 on a party only half the family isn’t even invited to 😂

I’d also love to hear the language BIL uses to suggest that YOUR mother fly overseas to babysit your children 😂🤣

This is so utterly batshit!

They're already married.
Don't waste your money or time on this.

How will the OP find it memorable or enjoyable when she spends the majority of the time on her own, looking after the kids? She’ll miss just on all the good bits.

It's not a wedding, it's a party strung out over a few days.
They are married already.

Your BIL is a cheeky fucker.

His wife's family wealth has likely gone to his head, and he's lost all reality of how expensive this trip would actually be for you.

As for inviting you half-way across the world and then excluding your children, that's the ultimate audacity. Sure, yeah, just fly in your mother for how many extra thousand?? As I said, he's lost all fucking reality.

I think if he keeps up his entitled attitude, I'd end up telling him about himself.

Entitled, cheeky fucker.

So the OP travels half way around the world, spends most of the time away on her own, looking after her two children? The majority of the events are no children so her DH will be attending and she’ll be left with the kids.
£11k to be practically a single mum in another country? Nah.

DH and I decided soon after we had DC if they weren’t invited, we as a family wouldn’t accept anything. We stuck to it, missed out on some things, but we are happy with our decision.

They are married already and will have been married over a year before their pretendy wedding which is really a fancy party.

Hard no. Your DH goes alone and his mum doesn't get involved with the batshittery.

I had a similar situation with my brother’s wedding even more ridiculous was it was during term time and during Covid! He was upset I wasn’t bringing my kids to his destination wedding that he was fitting in between travel bans and that they would only be invited to the pre event of. I just kept to my plan and now years later when they have two kids themselves it is never ever be mentioned again. People lose their minds it seems for weddings.

Just tell them after going back and looking at the finances the numbers don’t crunch so none of you will be able to go. If they come back and go on ask them bluntly are they offering to pay for all of you PLUS a nanny? If not then shut the fuck up

AT this point, I'd be having your whole family decline, husband included.

They're already married. It's a ridiculous demand that you all spend thousands to attend 'a party'.

And on the other hand, some of it will be enjoyable

The 11 k would mostly be a great holiday, not the wedding

A party where they will have to juggle the children and be subjected to family who are argumentative and rude all whilst sinking 11k into the occasion doesn't sound very enjoyable.

Your in-laws are being totally immature in their response however, can't you still all go? Seems the kids are invited to a fair chunk of it. You all go to the bits you are all invited to, then you go off with the kids for the adult part of the wedding and your husband stays till the end. Then for the rest of the time you are all still there to enjoy the family holiday. Chances are at 2 & 4 years old the kids will be going to bed way earlier than the wedding goes on for anyway so you (or whichever parent would be putting them to bed) and them wouldn't actually be missing much?

£11K is a drop in the ocean to some and absurdly unaffordable to others so no one can tell you if that is unreasonable or not.

Spaffing eleven grand would certainly be memorable, but I don't know about enjoyable.

Because it will be a memorable and enjoyable occasion?

Why don't you all go and the child free bits you go back to the hotel and do your own thing?

I think this is a very good point - the "family rift" MIL accused OP's husband was going to cause has already happened, thanks to her other son's ridiculous demands.

In which case, fuck it, save your eleven grand and send them a card!