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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu - BIL's wedding

237 replies

CordlessHoover · 02/10/2025 15:00

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

  • BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
  • Their big fat wedding is next July.
  • for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
  • We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
  • We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
  • BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
  • we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
  • They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
  • we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

OP posts:
Linenpickle · 02/10/2025 17:21

Not sure how four people travelling 8 hours away could be £11k but aside from that, they are cheeky gits!! Yanbu

Scottishskifun · 02/10/2025 17:20

The only unreasonable bit is entertaining further discussion with them on it.
You have offered them a solution you don't have childcare and frankly who wants to spend a day with 2 young children in a place you don't know being asked why they can't attend a party!

They can kick off all they like they have made the children rule which means you can't attend simple as really regardless of foot stomping by MIL/BIL or SIL!

Useitupwearitout · 02/10/2025 17:18

One of my sisters constantly created drama like this, screamed at people when she didn’t get her own way, said some quite frankly unforgivable things ( she called them home truths) and then threw a complete strop at a family funeral and threatened to go NC we were all so tired of it all we said okay. She hasn’t spoken to any of us for 15 years and sad to say I don’t miss her sat all, sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and ignore the emotional blackmail.

Aoap78 · 02/10/2025 17:16

Given your updates and your mention of it not being spare ‘fun’ change for you… this amount can do so much for your kids so just keep it.. without regrets. I get the dynamics and pressure though, but that’s all it is. Best wishes

jonthebatiste · 02/10/2025 17:16

CordlessHoover · 02/10/2025 16:57

I think this is mostly right except

  1. My BIL is passive and goes down path of least resistance in life where it suits him... however he'll happily argue or kick off it if it's worth his while / impacting him. As such my take is SIL is driving it and he has decided we arent "valuable enough" to be worth the thrash of arguing for his nephews.
  2. 💯 Without going into specifics mil couldn't crawl further up their bum holes if she tried.... They are private jet wealthy! 🤩
  3. Probably 🤷🏻‍♀️ he can be lovely but he is also "the baby" and has shades of MIL self absorption.
  4. I'd love to know too! will update should there be interest.

Re: my mother flying thousands of miles at our expense to babysit for 10 hours...
I paraphrase but Bil said "so....one idea i had was..." then when there was just silence our side he said "well it was just one of the ideas i had" 😵‍💫😅

Edited
Show quote history

Oh wow 😅 I think I might know the world your BIL has married into: I wish him the very best in his marriage 🤣. The SIL (with her DM, possibly?) has a plan for her “wedding” which involves one or more events with one or more seating plans, from which your absence would cause enormous problems (“problems”) for them and their wedding planner. It will also look “bad”: they absolutely will not tolerate “couldn’t afford it” as an explanation; theirs will be a world where children have night nurses and a nanny per child from the moment the baby is born. They simply will not comprehend you not wanting to leave your DC, they’d argue to your face that surely you want a fun time as adults without them?!

This SIL and/or her DM has it all planned out and your presence is required to bring the vision to light. Your BIL is going to get it in the neck if only your DH and MIL turn up! oh boy oh boy oh boy. I strongly, STRONGLY advise you to stand firm because you give these people an inch and they’ll take a bloody lightyear. Start the way you mean to continue, try to yourselves and your values.

ETA: happy to hear your BIL had the sense to drop his “one idea I had…”. He hasn’t totally gone over to the dark side yet!

usedtobeaylis · 02/10/2025 17:13

YANBU. I wouldn't spend that much money to attend what is basically a party in the first place. In the second place I would spend that money to attend a party my children will be excluded from. And in the third place I wouldn't spend that much money going to the party of someone who is putting pressure to attend anyway either without children or with added expense. Nothing about it will be a 'family holiday'. Either DH goes or none of you I would say.

Miniaturemom · 02/10/2025 17:13

If they really think they are being reasonable then it’s not much of a loss if you cause a rift…
Just tell them you can’t spend that much money, especially if you would be forced to miss most of it. Please don’t cave and go, you’ll resent them!

AgnesMcDoo · 02/10/2025 17:08

Stick to your plan.

you are being sensible and reasonable and they are off their heads.

TheatricalLife · 02/10/2025 17:06

If they are private jet rich and want you there that badly, they can always put their hand in their pocket can't they....I'd offer that as one of BIL possible "solutions" 😉 (I wouldn't actually as I wouldn't want to be paid for, but still)

Blibbleflibble · 02/10/2025 17:05

Fuck. That. Shit.

Christ maybe I was a bit PFB with mine, but I didn't let my Mum do an overnight until DC was 3 (she is an older Mum, as was I, so wanted DC to be out of nappies) DC is now 5 and still haven't used an unrelated babysitter. There is absolutley no way I would be spending £11k plus on a holiday which would have been a stressful logistical nightmare because my little ones weren't invited. It would be incredibly stressful and worrying abroad.

You've offered a very generous compromise, and they have to bloody learn that if you don't invite kids you risk un-inviting parents! Gets on my tits this sort of entitlement, they need to fucking learn to take no for an answer too! Twats.

OneOliveDuck · 02/10/2025 17:04

Absolutely ridiculous. This is just an £11K party. They are being 100% unreasonable.

Trabbling · 02/10/2025 17:02

Breathtakingly rude and batshit - them of course, not you!!

They want you to fly your mum out, at your expense, to facilitate them excluding your children (their nieces / nephews) from their wedding?! 😅

To use a MN expression, are they on glue?!

ChrisMartinsKisskam · 02/10/2025 17:01

But but but it’s not a wedding
they are already married
it’s just big party

if they want you to come SIL wealthy parents can pay

or just tell them to fuck off

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 02/10/2025 17:01

You’re so not in the wrong!
Kids aside, it’s unreasonable of them to ask you to pay £000s to attend their wedding. But to then insist that you both come even though the way they have arranged things means that will cause difficulties with your children is just outrageous.
Stick to your guns and DO NOT RELENT. If your husband’s family start going on about about a family rift then he needs to let them know that the only people causing a rift are the ones making it a big deal that he’s having to attend by himself - for completely legitimate and understandable reasons which were of their making.

Original poster
CordlessHoover · 02/10/2025 16:57

jonthebatiste · 02/10/2025 16:36

Hahaha. You are so not being unreasonable - and this one I REALLY want to hear the outcome of because (1) it’s a groomzilla situation and we don’t often see those (2) MIL obviously under his thumb and/or in awe of SIL’s wealthy family and worried you’re making her side look like the poor relations (3) BIL obviously under the thumb of SIL and/or her wealthy family (4) I want to know how this enormous culture clash is going to play out with YOU being the designated unreasonable ones…for not blowing £11,000 on a party only half the family isn’t even invited to 😂

I’d also love to hear the language BIL uses to suggest that YOUR mother fly overseas to babysit your children 😂🤣

This is so utterly batshit!

I think this is mostly right except

  1. My BIL is passive and goes down path of least resistance in life where it suits him... however he'll happily argue or kick off it if it's worth his while / impacting him. As such my take is SIL is driving it and he has decided we arent "valuable enough" to be worth the thrash of arguing for his nephews.
  2. 💯 Without going into specifics mil couldn't crawl further up their bum holes if she tried.... They are private jet wealthy! 🤩
  3. Probably 🤷🏻‍♀️ he can be lovely but he is also "the baby" and has shades of MIL self absorption.
  4. I'd love to know too! will update should there be interest.

Re: my mother flying thousands of miles at our expense to babysit for 10 hours...
I paraphrase but Bil said "so....one idea i had was..." then when there was just silence our side he said "well it was just one of the ideas i had" 😵‍💫😅

OP posts:
SweetTalkinWookie · 02/10/2025 16:57

Don't go.

Take the kids on a nice holiday that week.

DrowningInSyrup · 02/10/2025 16:55

YANBU at all. Logistics just don't work. BiL wants you both there, it can't happen.

graceinc22 · 02/10/2025 16:55

I definitely would not go without my children in those circumstances.

LivingOnCoffee567 · 02/10/2025 16:54

I like a wedding and try to make an effort for abroad weddings too. What you have offered is very reasonable.

They are being total arseholes.

AncoraAmarena · 02/10/2025 16:54

Not a chance would I be going, unless they made the children welcome to the whole event. Although I wouldn't be spending 11k on attending someone's fancy party anyway, unless I had cash to throw away.

jonthebatiste · 02/10/2025 16:53

In short, BIL/MIL are insisting that you do xyz with your children in order to both attend a party - and if you don’t do what they want you will be causing a family rift. It’s beyond laughable!

Sayyaya · 02/10/2025 16:51

For 11k you could have the most amazing family holiday of your own choosing.

You’re being generous sending your DH and given the reaction I’d probably just withdraw completely. Did BIL expect you to pay for your mum’s flight?

BundleBoogie · 02/10/2025 16:47

Gosh, it get worse! I’d point out to MiL if she pushes it any more that you are not kicking off and complaining about family rifts even though the plans deliberately (and unnecessarily imo) exclude you or make it unreasonably difficult and expensive for you to come.

Point out that ‘family is important’ cuts both ways and as they are the ones making the plans, THEY are at liberty to make it easy for you to go, or not.

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/10/2025 16:47

It's not just the 8 hour flight that would put me off. Its the travelling time to the airport, the check-in time, the wait for the call to the boarding gate, the sitting on the runway, the passport control, the baggage reclaim, the onward travel....all with 2 (potentially miserable) DC.

Itstheshowgirl · 02/10/2025 16:45

I wouldn’t be spending £11k to be going to a wedding under any circumstances anyway but to spend all that and be left most of the time with tiny DC on your own? Fuck that.

I would just stop engaging on it tbh. Decision made no further discussion.