Aibu - BIL's wedding

They’re bat shit, crazy your response is totally reasonable. They are the ones that have the issues, not you. I think it was great. You were going to go as a family, but if the children aren’t included, then it does need to be your DH going by himself..

they dont want children on the grounds / in the vicinity of the venue...

So your 2 and 4 year old wouldn't even be allowed to stay in a room at the venue? They'd have to be a car ride away? Sod that. Your DH needs to make it clear to his brother that either they accept he goes alone for the long weekend or he doesn't go at all, because their demands are ridiculous. It's not even a proper wedding, they're already married!

Please just say no to them. Shut down all the nonsense about can't your mother come to babysit and any other ideas they have and just bloody well say no to them. You're just hired extras in their personal drama, they have no idea you and your children are actual people with needs and lives of your own.
Just. Say. No.

FWIW I was basically in exactly the same situation, slightly cheaper but still not an inconsiderable amount of money and we decided not to go.
I just could not justify it.

Things were already a bit cool but it has definitely cooled much more since and I think my sibling thought I was being a misery and its all so easy but we didn't go.
I couldn't get my head around all the money for 3/4 of my immediate family unit to not attend the ceremony and all the important bits I guess.

I'm guessing OP's family turning the trip into a holiday for all 4 of them? They have bent over backwards to make getting to the wedding viable but BiL/MiL are totally unreasonable.

Never in my life would I spend £11K to go to someone else’s wedding.

Tell them to fuck off.

It sounds to me like BIL wants to up his side at the wedding and/or not to have to explain to other people why you aren't all there so they don't look like 'the bad guys'.

Totally agree

Just don't go, either of you. You can't leave your children behind, you shouldn't be asked to leave them behind when they are so young. It's their wedding, their choice and your choice to go or not.

My brother pulled something like this on me and I didn't go. I went to my parents and looked after the dog so my parents could go instead!

at the risk of shouting

IT IS NOT A WEDDING - THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED SINCE MARCH.

Plus they had a "do" the first time round, the bride wore white etc etc. It's a fancy party.

What have they suggested you do with the children while you and DH attend the party?
As MIL attended the wedding, perhaps she can babysit. Or will she think that there's no point going all that way and spending so much money to not attend is just plain silly?

for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles.

It's not a Wedding. They're already married.

Were you invited to the first wedding?

If not, remind BIL that he didn't invite you the first time, so you're not really up for dropping £11K on a party.

They are being ridiculous. You can’t just ‘poof!’ make your children disappear for the night in a foreign country on demand. This is the consequence of having a child free (‘over 21s’ 🤣) wedding. Children can’t attend and their primary caregiver needs to stay home to look after them.

We have had many a childfree wedding abroad. 🙄 Dh the best man in a couple of them. I stayed home, Dh went on his own as they were his friends/he was in the wedding party. Perfectly reasonable solution.

I’m quite stubborn and people acting like absolute twats irritates me. If I was your Dh, I probably wouldn’t even want to attend at all personally because they are acting like such princesses.

This nails it.
Your position is perfectly reasonable.

Oh let me think. 11k in the bank or trawling half way across the world to go to a party where my children aren't welcome...

I’ve read some batshit things on here but this is something else! It’s not even the wedding, 11k is a fucking ridiculous amount to spend on attending a party, you’ve offered a perfectly reasonable solution of your DH going on his own. Just tell them DH goes on his own or the kids are invited. My whole wedding and honeymoon cost about £8k altogether so there is no way on this earth I’d pay £11k for that!

If SIL's family really are that rich it's insane they're letting you incur all these costs of accomodation and car hire and (potential) child care. Not stealth boasting but I've been to a couple of weddings of families with that kind of wealth, in exotic/glamourous locations, hundreds of guests coming in from all over the world and the etiquette has always been everything is done for the guests even if said guests are wealthy themselves, it's not about pity for the poor relations or consideration of their financial circumstances, it's hospitality, just the done thing. We're talking flights and accommodation covered, all transport in the location covered, beautiful food and drink the whole time including day/before and after sorted, creche or nannies at the venue for those who want it. On the one hand it's astounding hospitality but also a drop in the ocean of net worth we're talking and just provided as a matter of course.

If they're really expecting you to sort all this out yourself that's terrible manners on their part. Why aren't you staying at the 'enormous manor house' for a start, aren't you as close family part of the party?

If BIL is the golden child, you may as well do whatever suits you because your DH’s family won’t be fair or reasonable by the sound of it. Be prepared for emotional blackmail and nasty things to be said but DON’T let it change your resolve to do what is best for you, DH, your DC and your Mum.

If they refuse to speak to any of you again, I’d call that a good result!

Sorry OP, I do think YANBU on the emotional side, but I dropped out when you defended the 11K spend. To me that's an obscene amount of money for a guest to spend on a wedding in any circumstances (and yes no doubt there are people who spend millions).

Your in laws are unfortunately borderline insane and also - for the very wealthy- mean.

I only know one ‘private jet rich’ family & if they organise a family party they pay for the guests travel (in the case of less wealthy family members I mean) without being asked & arrange hotels, babysitters etc, showing great consideration for parents travelling with young children.

Yours are seeking to have the best of both worlds. They are unreasonable and I hope you won’t subject yourself to this expensive & stressful vanity project.

Our whole wedding cost £8k, I wouldn’t be paying £11k to attend someone’s else’s even if the kids were invited! You are nicer than me, I would be saying none of us were going!

I was under huge pressure from my family to go to a wedding abroad (a big party as they were legally married).

It would have cost about £10k+ for three of us to go halfway across the world and children weren't invited to the actual day. The babysitting service ended up not being available so it suddenly was no longer child-free.

I eventually decided to go on my own once my parents offered to cover half my trip. The cost was unreal as it was Christmas. Leaving my small child was awful but we had an early Christmas. The expectations from the couple were unbelievably out of character.

I’m all for a child free wedding, but it’s not practical to ask people and their kids to come abroad and then expect them to find a babysitter out there. You’ve not kicked up a fuss; you had a reasonable compromise and they’re not happy with it. They’ll either have to accept that you don’t come, or the kids need to. It’s already an expensive enough holiday without having to pay for a babysitter to join.

Fucks sake, I haven’t RTFT but I was going to suggest DH goes on his own and you stay home, then I saw you suggested that. Talk about unreasonable BIL.