Aibu - BIL's wedding

£11k would have been where we pulled the plug, especially as they're married already!

Do they just want your DC for cute photos? I wouldn't be spending £11k for that

They are not unreasonable wanting child free wedding. They are massively unreasonable expecting you still to attend

As part of the "Wedding Party" as a guest, you are a spectator. You are neither Groom or Bride. The only other people necessary for a Marriage Ceremony are witnesses. You are in effect, at any time, invited to a party which has a special significance, and are entitled to accept or decline. End of Story.

Is this for real? I am reeling on your behalf 😳 absolutely ridiculous

I think what I'd do @CordlessHoover is tell bil that yes you'll come, but obviously with kids and the distance involved you'd need to make it a couple of weeks, maybe with the wedding in the middle or at either end. Tell him X place is where you're planning on staying (or maybe a couple of your planning on exploring). You'll be flying from home airport into nearest airport with flights that aren't at ridiculous o'clock. Oh and obviously a hire car (or maybe car and chauffeur?!).

And then tell him that when he's booked it he can send you all the info/flight numbers etc. Because obviously if they want you all there that much then they'll be stumping up the cash for it, no?

I'd love to know his reaction if you did that! Seriously though they're being ridiculous. Your dh going alone is (more than) enough.

obviously yanbu

what on earth is your MIL on about siding with this nonsense?

I saw someone above thread say don't make it about the money but I think at 11k it is absolutely about the money and is a perfect excuse to side step the rules around their wedding.
Cost of living bla bla and only DH can come now. Job done.

This

I am frequently surprised (and amused) at the self absorption, and complete lack of understanding, of the situation of others that we see more and more often these days.

I agree. People need to stop pandering to this kind of behaviour. These self important people get away with it because people allow it.

If it were me I would be furious at being threatened by a family split if I didn’t go, but would explain calmly why it is not logistically possible and not allow them to browbeat me.

Same here.

My brother got married in our home country. His wife is a teacher and they start the summer holidays a month before ours. They picked the date for when we would be able to come, during the summer holidays.
The only children at the wedding was ours. Probably a bit dull for ours boys, but they loved it regardless.
Their wedding was a compromise - they picked a date that suited us and they allowed our kids to attend. We paid XYZ to be there and spent our annual leave on their wedding.
That’s what families do. If they want you there they need to compromise because you are as well.

Their demand for you both to attend is outrageous given your young family and the cost and distance involved.
I am frequently surprised (and amused) at the self absorption, and complete lack of understanding, of the situation of others that we see more and more often these days. If it were me I would be furious at being threatened by a family split if I didn’t go, but would explain calmly why it is not logistically possible and not allow them to browbeat me. Good luck!

I would not go for 4 reasons:-
you already attended their actual wedding recently.
*It's going to cost £11,000,
*No kids are allowed
*They're behaving in a hostile manner and even involving your mil.

I think if they continue to argue with your husband, it might be best if he didn't attend. Book yourselves a lovely family holiday elsewhere instead.

They are ridiculous 😂 YANBU
Suggeting your mum flies over for childcare 😂😂 howling!! People need to check themselves honestly.

My brother did the same with his wedding “no kids or babies allowed on the premises” then got upset that people with kids and babies did not attend

it’s a RSVP no x

if they get funny then that’s their issue

you do what’s best for your family ❤️

£11k for someone’s non-wedding is madness.

You’re being reasonable. Stay that way. Or rather DH can explain that’s the position. I hope it won’t create a lifelong rift. Good luck.

They want a child-free wedding abroad.

That means your kids can’t go. So your family make the compromise of you staying at home to care for the kids alone while your DH attends alone, given it’s his family. Quite a large compromise on your family’s part.

Reasonable solution. You and the kids can film a special congrats message to be shown at the wedding, to show you wish them well.

Don’t budge on that.

they dont want children on the grounds / in the vicinity of the venue

So, all your DH has to say is "Mum, I'll be coming on my own as @CordlessHoover is staying at home with the children as they are not invited. This is not up for discussion so please stop trying to guilt trip me".

Then let her tantrum all she likes.

I certainly wouldn’t be spending that money on a fake wedding regardless.

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

Code for 'We need to keep discussing until you relent to our wishes'.

Fuck. THAT!

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

You need to tell them all of this. Clearly and unequivocally.

£11k is a ridiculous amount to pay for someone else's wedding, close family or not, and the flippant suggestion that you 'just bring MIL' as a child-skivvy and likely have to pay for her to come too just shows how little they are considering their guests.

Their entitlement really is staggering.

I wouldn't be budging a nano-inch.

I wouldn't blame DH if he pulled out of going himself at this point.

It's not even a real fecking wedding!!

It’s not even a wedding!!!

Send them £50 in a card and be done with it!!

I got the rage reading that. OP those in laws are being ridiculous. I would not be going under those terms. Imagine dropping 11k to attend a fake wedding when half the family are not invited to all parts of the event

I think this is spot on

You are trying to managing the insecurity of your BIL (and MIL) given the apparent wealth of SIL

You have potentially decades of this shit to come and IME sanity never prevails

If you get to the point when your DH starts to ignore his messages and his family start contacting you direct then you end up resenting your DH

Your DH needs to put on his big boy pants and tell HIS family to f* off on this occasion

They can’t have their cake and eat it too.
they invited a couple with kids abroad without the kids. Naturally and obviously with young children arrangements have to be made! And your arrangement seems fair, respectful and sensible.
i mean… they’re being ridiculous. You can’t demand ppl leave their kids when abroad. That’s crazy! It can work for some, true, but it’s not going to work for you. So there’s the consequence to no children. There’s nothing to discuss!!!