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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - BIL's wedding

237 replies

CordlessHoover · 02/10/2025 15:00

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

  • BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
  • Their big fat wedding is next July.
  • for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
  • We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
  • We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
  • BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
  • we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
  • They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
  • we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

OP posts:
GAJLY · 03/10/2025 10:19

Considering your update I'd be inclined to not go at all now. Husband should stay home but send a lovely gift and card. It's going to be hostile if he is there alone, no one will be thankful he is even there!

Notonthestairs · 03/10/2025 08:11

I wouldn’t mention the money at all - it rather opens up the issue when it is irrelevant - you were prepared to go despite costs.

You are not all attending because you are not all invited and the childcare suggested isn’t practical for either your Mother or You.

If they want you all there, they’d invite you all.

pestowithwalnuts · 03/10/2025 07:49

This is a ridiculous situation.
Mil is wittering on about being caught in the middle...well she inserted herself in there.
Bil is an idiot. Who does he think will look after your kids ?
Saving grace here is DH is sensible and on your side.
So many times on here there is a dh problem so refreshing to find your are both united on this problem
Stick to your guns op and keep reiterating your plans on this 'party'.
And don't be bullied.

Original poster
CordlessHoover · 03/10/2025 07:07

DH and i has a good chat last night.

Its clear now that part if what's muddying this for him is how he is viewed.

Apparently MIL in the call said something along the lines of "oh! So you were never even planning to spend the money and come as a family at all anyway" and at some point she called him "stingy"?!?!?

😡😡😡😡
This has really upset DH (& me on his behalf)
and hit him in a soft spot.

We spoke it out a bit and honestly i am still not fully understanding why it was so effective in manipulating his feelings.

its SO preposterous I'd struggle not to laugh. my DH is a naturally generous person (both he and I are similar and in fact now try to only associate with similar people otherwise we just end up shelling out ££££ while the other parties take take take)

Conversely his parents are very much "generous' on their own terms only. I was shocked at how his parents and DB treated him like a walking ATM when we met - over time I have "managed" that out but if anyone is tight / stingy / selfish it is 💯 not my husband!!!

@PyongyangKipperbang thank you for this message template!
I think dh will use it as a basis for this weekends call. He said it was good but he didnt want to mention the money part (which is relevant!)and sparked the above convo

The more I think about it, the more annoyed I am tbh.

Bil and SIL aee in secure employment earning well in an area with low living costs (the party wedding is not in the home town)
Mil in 60 and mortgage free and receives 2 x private pensions (fil has passed away) and still works.
In contrast, we are in london, we earn well but it all goes straight back out the door. childcare is 4k NET per month, the mortgage isnt far off (we had no bank of mum and dad so less equity) and both of us were facing redundancy this year.
Despite that we were prepared to spend that much money and the thanks we get was not to be considered at all and then getting this dragged out guilt tripped for pointing out the barriers to entry are making attendance almost impossible.

OP posts:
carparkwars · 03/10/2025 06:39

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/10/2025 22:43

I would be totally upfront and honest.

"BIL (or DB, your DH is best saying it) we would only be travelling to this location for your wedding, its not somewhere we would particularly want to travel to otherwise especially considering the costs involved. It will cost us more than we spent on our own wedding to attend yours. We are not prepared to spend that sort of money if the only person who can actually attend the wedding is me. @CordlessHoover will have to stay with the kids as we wont have them baby sat by strangers and her mum coming is not an option. So I will be coming alone for the weekend and that is the last conversation I am prepared to have about it, either with you or mum"

This. I'd also be tempted to add the approach I take with my 4yo when she won't stop asking for something and tell them that if they mention it again DH won't be going either.

WeightLossGoal2024 · 03/10/2025 01:40

Luxio · 02/10/2025 15:39

It's not even a wedding it's a piss up in another country.

You were already being more than generous in agreeing to spend over 10 grand on attending this party and if I were you husband I wouldn't be entertaining this nonsense now and would tell them not to bother. Honestly there's no point in trying to be logical if all they are going to do is throw a tantrum.

This!

they are being ridiculous

your MIL is being just as bad

Stompythedinosaur · 03/10/2025 01:12

Not a chance I'd spend that much on a wedding!

And since you can't leave your dc unattended, I don't see how you can go!

Dh going solo is a very reasonable suggestion. Can't help just keep pointing out that if your dc can't go then one of their parents has to stay with them? Why can't they see that?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/10/2025 23:58

I know this is a bit of a tangent ... but I can't help thinking - you've got two kids.

What if you took the £11k and put it into a savings plan to set against their future Student Loans or Housing deposits.... over the years that would really help them.

Or imagine looking back and thinking about how it was poured down the drain to finance attending an event with unpleasantly demanding people, who have no consideration for you but just want you to comply, regardless how much inconvenience/cost you have to undergo

The cry of "Oh but we're family" works both ways.

RampantIvy · 02/10/2025 22:50

and that is the last conversation I am prepared to have about it, either with you or mum

This is absolutely the last sentence that needs to be said to the MIL and BIL.

Youdontseehow · 02/10/2025 22:49

@CordlessHoover Ive had a rough day at work today and I’m not in a great mood so that is the context in which I am replying,

I’m absolutely astounded by the sheer cheek and brass neck of BIL. You sound completely reasonable and I’d just tell them to fuck right off ….but as I say, I’m not in the best of moods!

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/10/2025 22:43

I would be totally upfront and honest.

"BIL (or DB, your DH is best saying it) we would only be travelling to this location for your wedding, its not somewhere we would particularly want to travel to otherwise especially considering the costs involved. It will cost us more than we spent on our own wedding to attend yours. We are not prepared to spend that sort of money if the only person who can actually attend the wedding is me. @CordlessHoover will have to stay with the kids as we wont have them baby sat by strangers and her mum coming is not an option. So I will be coming alone for the weekend and that is the last conversation I am prepared to have about it, either with you or mum"

Anyahyacinth · 02/10/2025 22:39

If it mattered that much to them they’d make it an all expenses paid trip with ? Norland nanny…it’s a crazy amount to spend on a party

Ponderingwindow · 02/10/2025 21:53

its not a destination wedding so they are not unreasonable in that regard. Expecting you to shut away your children abroad is completely ridiculous though.

Your DH traveling solo is the perfect compromise.

Costcogroupie · 02/10/2025 21:48

It's not a wedding, it's a wedding-not-wedding

PollyBell · 02/10/2025 21:40

ClaredeBear · 02/10/2025 21:35

Crikey, they either want the kids there or they don’t and if they don’t they need to accept that you’re managing the situation according to your needs (edit: means). I’m not even sure what they actually want from you.

Edited

Yes this, i am fine with them wanting no kids but I am fine with not going if I choose to not go

ClaredeBear · 02/10/2025 21:35

Crikey, they either want the kids there or they don’t and if they don’t they need to accept that you’re managing the situation according to your needs (edit: means). I’m not even sure what they actually want from you.

Frugalgal · 02/10/2025 21:23

CordlessHoover · 02/10/2025 15:00

NC - but regular poster

We want outside opinions as following a conversation with MIL we are left asking ourselves... are we being unreasonable?

Sorry its long
Trying not to dripfeed...

  • BIL and SIL live an 8 hour flight away.
  • Their big fat wedding is next July.
  • for various reasons they got legally married this year in March. (Sil wore white, they had a photographer cake and a party attended by Sils family and MIL attended but its wasn't a "big" wedding. SiL wants a big wedding with all the bells and whistles. Her parents are really wealthy so its no problem there)
  • We have a 3 and 1 year old who will be 2 and 4
  • We had initially planned to go as a family and make the best of it and turn it into a family holiday (estimated total cost would have been about £11k all in)
  • BIL has told my DH he and SIL want the wedding and wedding venue to be "over-21s" only but there are some parts our children would be permitted to attend (a pre wedding dinner the day before and a section for 2 hrs or so on the day)
  • we were (understandably?) a bit / quite shocked.
  • They like / want kids themselves!? our DC will be the only cousins their children will ever have.
  • we digested the news and went back to explained that we respect their choice, its their day and they should have it how they want but that does make things tricky for us logistically so most likely my DH will likely attend solo and go for a long weekend.

We thought this was pretty reasonable...

Bil replied and said he wants "both of us" there and suggested maybe my mum could fly out with us and watch the kids. I dont know where to start with that suggestion 😅
Beyond the obvious... my DM is in not great physical health basically only babysits for us when the kids are asleep or for 2 hrs max.

Dh replied and said look its okay. I don't want you to stress about this, please don't change your plans. We've discussed it further and decided best thing for us as a family is for me to come solo.

Bil then phoned MIL... who the next day phoned DH for 90 mins or so.
She was pretty clear that she thought DH was in the wrong and he was going to cause a family rift. She also suggested he was looking for a way to avoid paying for going to the wedding. There was also a lot of chat about her being caught in the middle. Dh said she wasn't as it didnt really involve her...

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

DH left the call confused and unsure and I am now doubting myself as very honestly...we were willing to spend the money / take the annual leave / go through all the hassle before they told us our children weren't invited.

But then it seems wrong to
a. Drag the kids across multiple time zones to an event they arent welcome at. It means the 3 of us basically wont attend the wedding so why are we there? I don't get it...
B. spend so much on a holiday we dont especially want / wouldnt ever choose given the circumstances. (Our financial position has become significantly more unstable in the last 3 months.)

We looked at everyone going for the weekend only but that's even weirder / less practical than making it into a holiday

I'm sorry but I just can't get past the fact you were going to pay £11k to attend some other twat's wedding.

If I'm honest I can't get past the fact that you'd have £11k to send on a holiday but that's me.

Honestly, £11k to attend their party and your kids aren't welcome?? Send an apology and spend it on your own lovely break.

Silvers11 · 02/10/2025 21:18

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. For one thing it absolutely NOT a wedding. It is a big party, whichever way you look at it, following a wedding a year ago. Nothing wrong with that, but it isn't a wedding.

You have been very obliging to try and make a holiday of it at a cost of £11k 😯😟You are also willing to send your DH on his own so that he is there for his Brother. But you are not being in the least unreasonable to not go with the kids since they aren't allowed in the over 21 adult venue. It's Very cheeky of them to expect it of you - and ditto your DH's Mum.

I hope your DH can stand his ground with them

whynotwhatknot · 02/10/2025 21:09

cheeky fucks-its not even their wedding ffs its a party

youve ben fair in your compromise

PullTheBricksDown · 02/10/2025 21:01

Bil now is requesting a call to "discuss further".

Yeah, he's not your line manager. One you can (again) politely decline.

Cherrysoup · 02/10/2025 20:55

Trabbling · 02/10/2025 17:02

Breathtakingly rude and batshit - them of course, not you!!

They want you to fly your mum out, at your expense, to facilitate them excluding your children (their nieces / nephews) from their wedding?! 😅

To use a MN expression, are they on glue?!

I’m absolutely gobsmacked at this being ’one of his ideas’. His sheer self absorbed pronouncement is mental. 11K to attend their non wedding? They clearly have fuck all idea of how normal people live. 8 hour flight with 2 under 5 so they can banished from the adult only venue? Breathtaking!

Boxboom · 02/10/2025 20:54

Its not a wedding.
They are married.
Are they dim?
I wouldn't entertain this.
Selfish, batshit and cheeky fxxkers to boot.
Ignore your MIL.
As for thinking your mother is somehow your staff.....no words🙄.

JLou08 · 02/10/2025 20:49

I'd say you and your DH were very kind to even offer DH going solo. 11k and huge amounts of travelling with young DC to attend a small part of a fake wedding (not sure of a better term for it) would be a definite no from me. Nor would I travel all that way on my own and spend what I'm guessing would be £1000 minimum.

Cakeandusername · 02/10/2025 20:30

I wouldn’t be referring to it as a wedding for a start they are already married it’s a party.
You were very generous to consider going at all.
The no kids for 90% of it, having to stay elsewhere is not a proper invitation to the event.
If I was your DH I’d just stick to a it’s not workable for us, his offer to go alone is very generous - it will be expensive and leave you at home with two little ones.
Why didn’t they have a big wedding in first place if that’s what she wanted and mum & dad are wealthy.

JudgeJ · 02/10/2025 20:27

Redpeach · 02/10/2025 15:44

Could you hire childcare out there

Adding to the £11k bill?

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