Aibu - BIL's wedding

They are being totally unreasonable, but they are counting this as part of their wedding and I think that's acceptable. People are entitled to do it this way, quick ceremony, big reception party, that's up to them.

BIL and SIL are being selfish , that's evident. And your MIL has a dreadful attitude!

But I just wondered, everybody keeps saying this is not a real wedding 'they're already married' but I wonder if there are cultural issues involved here. Many couples who are Hindu, Sikh or Muslim (and maybe of other faiths) will have one civil service to get the legalities done then have a big shindig later, with extended family and everyone they know, all the religious ceremony and a lot of money spent. And that is very much regarded as the 'real' wedding. The OP doesn't say, but could that be the case here?

Nevertheless, it is highly unreasonable to expect the OP and her DH to spend £11k on attending a wedding as guests! Plus it's very mean and thoughtless not to consider their young nephews' needs.

PS - If SIL wanted a big fancy wedding, she should have waited to get married until they would be able to have the big fancy one. Not a small affair and then a big fake wedding a year later?

Fingers crossed OP that the call goes well and BIL accepts it

YANBU at all.

if I was your DH, I’d go back to his brother along the lines of ‘really don’t want to fall out and cast any shadows over your big day, but it’s really not just feasible or appropriate to drag kids all that way and leave them with a stranger while we enjoy your wedding. I wouldn’t have understood it before I had them either, but one day if you have your own it might make more sense. You should absolutely have the wedding you want, no drama from us, but I will need to come by myself. I’m looking forward to it’.

and then to his mum ‘mind your own beeswax, stop getting involved. There’s no drama here’.

" I was shocked at how his parents and DB treated him like a walking ATM when we met - over time I have "managed" that out but if anyone is tight / stingy / selfish it is 💯 not my husband!!!"

Ah. That's interesting.

And now BIL is marrying a walking ATM rich woman, and your MIL wants to present a just-as-rich front (normally-incomed people do not spaf £11k on a holiday). I wonder if MIL resents you for shutting down access to her son's money? And of course she would call DH "stingy" - she resents not being able to treat him like a walking ATM any more! I expect the only thing that would stop her now considering him to be tight would be him having his wages paid direct into her bank account!

Your MIL and BIL are greedy selfish people. On that basis, I'd not be going to this faux-wedding, and I'd be lowering my contact with both.

given what your update is I think Id be refusing to go at all.

I mean, i could maybe understand the drama if you husband was saying he was not going. But why are they so desperate have you there? I understand it is somehow about appearances but nobody is that desperate to have their SIL attend anything. Saying you have young kids is perfect response if someone asks why he is solo. Wouldn't having you at a rehearsal dinner with the kids and then husband attending the actual wedding solo attract negative attention?

I would use the template above....but definitely include something about it not being a wedding - it's a party to celebrate the wedding they already had, that you weren't invited to.

Eurgh. Your BIL and MIL sound truly unpleasant - bullying, name-calling, manipulating. It’s so horrible.

Stick to your guns of DH going solo. Just grey rock the rest with the MN classic - ‘that won’t work for us - this is our plan’.

DH should decline further discussion after that, especially with his mother as it’s really none of her business.

Did you even read the thread?

Be honest. Admit that you can't afford to attend the wedding.

Or book a holiday there at the same time, and take turns looking after the kids.

Hey, @CordlessHoover I've just thought of something else.

What happens if you do as you're told, book flights and accommodation off-site etc and then SIL gets pregnant and cancels or changes the date of the "wedding"/brings it forwards?

They'll have already been married for 16months at that point, and you've said they want kids, so it's not that big a leap.

Be careful. Don't book anything yet.

I like this response, but I'd have to add in something about them already being married.

@CordlessHoover were you both invited to the first wedding? If not, then obviously having his brother there wasn't (and isn't) that much of a priority for BIL or your MIL.

Yep. I would frame it like this too.

I would have shut this down ages ago.

You understand they want you there but it’s simply no longer feasible. Your husband will go alone and you cannot. And refuse to discuss further.

Your bil and his wife know full well that once the real reason as to why you and his nephews aren’t there, they’ll look awful and rightfully so . My dh and I have absolutely zero support so we’ve always had to swap over and attend things alone.
They are trying to make a big fuss now as once the real reason gets out as to why you aren’t there , they are rightfully going to look like absolute dickheads.

I agree... They seem to want to scape goat him.

I'd actually want to contact the MIL and say HOW DARE YOU call him stingy and be so unpleasant about this wedding. Grow up.

But it is probably not politic to do so.

MIL is super stirring the pot in a very very nasty way... What a dreadful way to treat one of your children. I do feel she needs calling out and told to shut up. But maybe this isn't the right time.

When people like this want to be unpleasant to you to make you obey them, I nowadays think. Let them. They are not really going to be any nicer to you if you give in as they see you as people they can strong arm. And I always ask myself. What's the worst that could happen?.... They'd all be unpleasant and in a big huff - well that's happening already isn't it? Now that they've had the fun of bitching and huffing, are they suddenly going to become sweetness and light because they've forced you to comply? I doubt it.

Your DH going is a very reasonable comprise.. If I was him, I'd be saying to MIL.. If you are going to speak to me like that when I am prepared to accompany you to this wedding then I won't go unless you change your tune... and see what she makes of it.

The BIL and SIL chose a child free (second) marriage ceremony abroad - great.... However that choice really does come with consequences, and he should be able to get his head around that. The guest list will understandably be slimmer than a wedding local to where they reside.

But, his idea of your mum being flown in on an 8 hour flight just to provide a couple of hours childcare is bloody ludicrous....

Reading your update, I think the gap between their expectations and your reality is so big that there’s no point having a discussion about it. It will only lead to more information being exchanged that will inflame all involved. Your DH needs to shut this whole thing down with a simple “Cordless and I can’t leave the children and come out together, the practicalities don’t work. All we can manage is for me to come out for two/three nights. Let me know if that would spoil your plans” - and I really would have no qualms putting all the onus on them to say “of course I want my brother there in whatever capacity” even if it does spoil their plans for the events (which I’m pretty confident it will).

DH also has to make sure you’re not the scapegoat, and that MIL stays out of this. It’s none of her business.

If they want both of you there, they invite your kids to the whole thing. It's as simple as that.

MIL sounds awful I’d get DH to speak to BIL and keep her out of it, no need for her to be involved.
You were prepared to go despite cost, long flight with small children etc but not being able to stay as a family at the venue or for children to attend most of it tips it into totally unfeasible. Your DH is going he’s his brother.

I agree. He won't enjoy it and will have wasted thousands.

There's going to be a fallout no matter what you do now anyway.