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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

315 replies

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:26

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:53

She doesn’t have dementia. She is sharp. Shes been through phases before of doing things to appear older and endearing.

OP posts:
WeeGeeBored · 02/10/2025 12:52

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:42

She’s also started doing this thing where she says modern things wrong on purpose.
Saying she didn’t know McDonald’s did delivery, she hates anything new.

I think she thinks it’s endearing being one of those “old people” that says things wrong on purpose. It’s fucking jarring.

I know it is a bit of a cliche on here but if she has started saying things wrong there may be a genuine issue. You may be seeing the symptoms of early onset dementia.

when I was caring for my mum who had dementia I attended a workshop where one of the participants said that her mum kept repeating things to annoy her! A person with dementia can’t control that kind of impulsivity (is that the right words?).

ReignOfError · 02/10/2025 12:51

Since you’re not going to change her, what are you going to do to change your responses to her manipulative bullshit?

BeanQuisine · 02/10/2025 12:51

Clearly she's in the wrong, but you know that.

You also know she's going to continue making your life miserable unless you finally decide to break off contact, which many people in your situation would have done a long time ago.

ReadingTime · 02/10/2025 12:50

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:46

Tried that she just moans at me haha !!!!

Show quote history

What would happen if you say "I'm not listening to this mum. Call me when you're ready to be pleasant." and then hang up? You don't have to just put up with this. You can't change her, but you don't have to pander to her.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/10/2025 12:49

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:06

She is an odd one. In this scenario she’ll have told people at work we have a car, glossed over that she was offered a lift and refused, refused a paid for taxi in order for people to think I’m the biggest selfish cow

My mum is strange. She likes being a victim, enjoys people feeling sorry for her if that makes sense

It makes perfect sense, but then I had a late, exMIL like this, and IME it's not so much about the actual logistics as her wish for you to placate her by leaping to her command

The "poor little me with an unfeeling family" when relating it to others is especially unpleasant - though a well worn path - and the only solution I can offer is not to engage with it

Easier said than done I know, but "Oh dear" and changing the subject can carry you through a lot

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 02/10/2025 12:49

She's being ridiculous. I would tell her this, and suggest that she gets back on touch again once she has got over herself. In the meantime, ignore.

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:48

I’m only 31. She had me older.

OP posts:
DashboardConfession · 02/10/2025 12:47

You don't have to have a relationship with her, you know. If she has been doing this to you for 30-40 years I have seen people cut off family for less.

BernardButlersBra · 02/10/2025 12:46

You are in the right, she is in the wrong. She sounds very hard work and precious. Another vote to not feed into it, my mum is a little older than yours and tries harder to push these annoying habits / demands / entitlements

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:46

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 02/10/2025 12:46

She sounds absolutely exhausting. But if she only ever comes round when she's invited, there's an easy solution...

Tried that she just moans at me haha !!!!

OP posts:
UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 02/10/2025 12:46

She sounds absolutely exhausting. But if she only ever comes round when she's invited, there's an easy solution...

ReadingTime · 02/10/2025 12:45

I would tell her that actually you're not speaking to her until she stops being ridiculous and apologises, and then enjoy the peace. Your childhood sounds abusive, nobody should treat a little kid like that and the way she behaved was wrong then and is still wrong now. You could stop putting up with her shit.

ukathleticscoach · 02/10/2025 12:44

Are you working?

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 02/10/2025 12:43

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:28

She is old in her mind
This is what I don’t get. She prides herself on being fit and able and active but mentally she’s about 80

Whatever you do, don’t let her move in with you when she’s actually 80. She’ll make your life miserable 24/7.

MyMilchick · 02/10/2025 12:42

YWNBU what did she expect you to do? She wanted your husband to cancel his Dr's appointment? You offered to get her an Uber

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:42

She’s also started doing this thing where she says modern things wrong on purpose.
Saying she didn’t know McDonald’s did delivery, she hates anything new.

I think she thinks it’s endearing being one of those “old people” that says things wrong on purpose. It’s fucking jarring.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 02/10/2025 12:41

To me it sounds more like your mother being the arsehole here.

Tell her that you will no longer engage with such bollocks and then just leave her to stew. It is not your responsibility to get her to work, it's hers.

isitmytime · 02/10/2025 12:41

Put it back to her, Ask her what she expected you to do?
explain to her one final time that you offered her solutions, with proof if you have messages about it, and she declined all options and chose to walk.
if she chooses to try and keep going with this ignore, every single time. Change the subject or just ignore completely telling her one last time you won’t be discussing this again,
you have more patience than me I’d have told her to stop playing the victim and that this is a situation of her own making.
she’s 67, working and presumably more than capable of sorting out her own problems.
it sounds like she does indeed like playing the victim and thrives off the drama.

DashboardConfession · 02/10/2025 12:41

Mum is in the wrong. She didn't want an Uber; she wanted you and your partner to put yourselves out to show how important she is.

Boomer55 · 02/10/2025 12:41

As a mother of adult kids, I would have just ordered my own Uber.

We all help each other out, but I wouldn’t rely on them for things I can do myself. 🤷‍♀️

WFHforevermore · 02/10/2025 12:39

OMG!! Are we secret sisters? This is my mum to a tee.

Its really tiring isnt it, i feel for you

WonderfulSmith · 02/10/2025 12:39

So a grown ass woman needs to get herself to work. I missed the bit where it was your problem.

lazyarse123 · 02/10/2025 12:37

WeeGeeBored · 02/10/2025 12:30

I am not going to vote either way because for all you are saying your mother is ranting so are you. It makes it difficult to understand what is going on. The fact that you need one of you to be right and the other wrong speaks volumes. You should both have tried to find a solution that worked rather than getting at each other. However I think this kind of disagreement is typical in most families. No big deal.

There was a solution that worked but the mother wasn't having it. A taxi to work at the time she wanted and paid for. Op is right, it wasn't difficult to understand. The mother has a martyr complex.

CBM40 · 02/10/2025 12:36

Why is it your responsibility to get your mum to work ?