Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

Your mum sounds like a petulant child. Of course your partners doctors appointment must take priority. Why can't she arrange her own uber.

Your problem is that you are offering solutions for her which she then weaponises. That’s shocking when you said she’d go days without speaking to you when you were little-I know little kids can be draining but still… Have you tried nodding and saying that’s a shame mum. What are you going to do? Step back from trying to fix her issues when she moans. Don’t rise to the bait if she complains about you. Nod and agree, yes it’s difficult mum, never mind. You may have to reduce contact with her as she sounds as if she won’t change.

In contrast, my 86 year old grandfather arranged his own travel to visit us until a few months ago. He has early dementia and terminal cancer. (I'm not a monster - he likes to be out and about and says the day he has to stay inside will be the day he dies. I go to them when they let me!)

As his memory has got too bad for this now, he is instead escorted on public transport by my 84 year old grandmother. She's better at working it out than I am most of the time!

Your mum should be embarrassed by her behaviour, though she clearly revels in it instead. I wonder if you feel it's normal or acceptable because it's how she's always been... It's not.

I have a bad relationship with my mum for reasons entirely of her own creation and for my entire life. It used to cause me regular stress and upset; now I see her twice a year at my grandparent's request for their important occasions; no contact between. Life is much better - I highly recommend low, low contact with life long manipulators.

I would just say “I offered to arrange an Uber. We offered for DH to drop you early before his appointment. Beyond that, and in the absence of a magic carpet, there was nothing else I could have done and I will not be discussing it further “

And I wouldn’t. She brings it up again just say ‘nothing more to say’ on repeat.

How far is the walk?

I am your Mum’s age and I can’t imagine involving my adult Dc in getting myself to work in any way shape or form.

@zebraprintxmasdinner Did you ask her why she thought it was acceptable to kick off at you but not ask for a drink like a reasonable adult?

nail - let me introduce you to head...

acting a martyr.

That and "after all the stuff I do for you "

YANBU. Dont engage any more. It wont change any outcome.

Tell her once - I offered to get you a lift, you didnt accept, i'm not discussing this anymore. Then ignore any further conversation. Reach out tomorrow to say good morning, how's your day, how are you? and if she brings it up again "told you i'm not discussing this again if youre not going to drop it, I'll talk to you later. Bye..
Repeat.

YANBU
You were really good to try and help her.

Some kids do bugger all for their parent(s).

It’s such a shame she doesn’t appreciate you 💐

Maybe tell her that you’ll have to take a step back for a bit until she’s had a good hard think about her conduct and apologised to you.

Tell her how wearing it is to have to deal with someone who is never satisfied and quick to cause totally unnecessary upset.

A lot depends on what kind of 67 she is. I'm that age and still working full time, cycling at least an hour a day, fully capable on all fronts. But it depends what level of incapacity she has. You say it was a lift to work that never happened, so I assume she's still mentally able to book her own uber even if (as you mention) it's too far for her to walk? In which case, yes I think it's a bit of a cheek from her.

its sounds like some distance would definitely help you!

You should never pander to childish people who sulk and pull a strop because in their idiotic little brains, that makes them right.

I’m almost your mum’s age and my mum used to play the martyr card when I was young but as soon as I was an independent adult living in my own place, I refused to go along with it and only responded to her in an adult fashion.

Eventually, she realised I’d changed and wouldn’t put up with her silly nonsense and we then had a fabulous relationship right up until she sadly died.

You kindly offered to get her an uber but then you leave it at that. Don’t keep offering. You say something once and move on.

Don’t try to persuade or cajole as that’s what you do with toddlers. She’s a competent adult who is allowed to do daft things but she’s not allowed to blame you for her choices. Call her bluff and reply, “ok I respect your decision”. Then grey rock everything else.

YANBU - woman needs to get herself to work or ask for help. She sounds like she’s playing a victim.

This poster is right. I'm not far off your mum's age, still working full time, and I can walk for hours. I don't know how far away her work is but if she can't easily walk that far, she needs to get herself fitter, if that's possible. Use it or lose it!

With the greatest of respect you sound like Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. Will you have an Uber, go on, go on, go on.

She is driving you crackers and is utterly unreasonable, don't get me wrong but you are as much at fault in this as she is. You need to stop caring so much that she's having a strop. You will need to train yourself to not care.

When she says No, take her at face value. By all means tell her [in writing] to let you know if she changes her mind but stop going on at her just because you know it will be your fault in the end. It's going to be your fault anyway so stop bothering and step back !!

When she pretends she said something different. Suggest going to the GP for dementia testing with her, as she's becoming so forgetful you are concerned.

Then it’s hard to understand what she’s complaining about!

Why’s it up to you to get her to work?

Hell would freeze over before I apologised. ‘Ok mum, you don’t want me to get you an uber, I get it. You want me to magically be able to drive and have a car- not going to happen. Or you want my partner to cancel his gp appt even though you could have jumped in the uber- also not going to happen because I care about his health and he’s a whole lot kinder to me than you are. I think you just want endless reasons to be shitty at me, and I’m pretty fed up.

mute her, and check every few days for if there was an apology.

I go to my daughter's house and put the kettle on myself and offer anyone else a drink too.

All you can do is try to rise above it. Her friends and colleagues will know what she's like - her friend at work who could have given her a lift will be getting fed up of the "I didn't like to ask to bother you" if she's moaning about having to walk.

If you had read them, you’d have seen that they don’t generally have a good relationship.

I know people throw it around a lot. But my grandmother and sister are exactly like this.

it’s basically narcissistic like behaviour.

they have to make themselves the centre of attention by playing the victim, woe is me nonsense. Any little thing that goes wrong - even if there is a simple solution - they have to make out like it’s the worst thing in the world and get everyone to feel bad for them.

you are allowed to walk away from the relationship if it doesn’t suit you.

you’re allowed to tell your mother to like it or lump it.

you’re allowed to tell her bluntly that a solution was provided but she refused it and now you won’t be providing her with solutions again.

you don’t have to allow any of this.

look up ‘victim narcissism’ you’ll see your mothers behaviour reflected there.
im not suggesting she is a narcissist or diagnosing I’m saying she’s displaying similar traits and offering a suggestion to help you understand your place within the relationship and potentially change how you react to her to get a better balance.

My grandparents would say of her 'It takes a saint to live with a martyr ...and your Mum is a martyr. '

There really is a type of person who is always 'suffering' and making clear how much they have to put up with (but also turning down any help or support) in order to obtain sympathy.

Don't be the saint in this game! Accept that she enjoys the public suffering. Collecting (undeserved) sympathy is her hobby.

Yeah, I also had this reaction - I am not yet 67 but know several people in that age bracket none of whom need help getting to work. You need to stop enabling your mum's unreasonable expectations by complying with them, and buying her 'martyr' narrative.

she's 67, not 97,she is more than capable of making her own way to work. She is emotionally guilting you, stop letting her, and I say this as someone around her age.

going days without speaking to me for stupid things until I begged and pleaded

Don't beg and plead, let her stew. What's the worst that can happen? She keeps you dancing to her tune. Stop appeasing her, stand up to her or distance yourself from her more. You may need some therapy to empower yourself!

As others have said 67 isn't that old these days and her walk to work wasn't that far. She wants to play the injured party yet could help herself, not be a burden and stop guilt tripping you. It's all very unhealthy really.