Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

I think she likes a drama, your mum.

I agree that the more you do, the more she expects.

There is nothing worse than a relative who has you tied up in guilt, always trying and always failing to please them because it will never be enough.

Ask yourself what would happen if you just Stopped? There'd be a massive tantrum and you don't engage, don't apologise and don't justify. She'd be horrified that the control wasn't working but What then. How would she top that? Another tantrum.. you'd already have shown that a tantrum would no longer move you.

I'm not saying ignore her or be disrespectful.. but just stop caring about the meltdowns. Its not your responsibility. You offered her several solutions. None were acceptable. That's tough. But its not your job to accept all the nastyness because you haven't come up with exactly the solution she wanted.

Its your life. Your time. She's had her time and instead of treating you reasonably and forming a good adult relationship with you she's constantly undermining your confidence.

Take a step back. Stop problem solving.
If you can offer a lift fine. If you can't she needs to start fending for herself. She's 67 not 87.
And stop caring when she goes mad at your not obeying her. When she hurls abousive comments at you. Stop believing her. So your pots aren't perfect.. its not the be all and end all of life. You told her to leave them. I'd take them physically out of her hands and gently put them in the garden or something. And carry on as normal. I'd ask do you think that is a nice thing to say to your daughter? Learn to shrug your shoulders and say OK then... and when she becomes abusive and say calmly I'm not accepting abuse from you. and walk way or ask her to leave. or say Call me when you speak like a reasonable adult.

She won't like it, but what is the alternative?

You can't win with someone like this. She's too old to change so you have to be clear about how you will manage dealing with her in a way that is sustainable and doesn't constantly upset you, drain your confidence and ruin your life.

YANBU no matter what you do you’re always going to be the one in the wrong and she will always be the victim in her own world. I think it might be time to start creating some distance between you both because honestly she just sounds exhausting and you don’t need any of the drama

Probably because it wasn’t a taxi she wanted. She wanted a lift, and nothing else was good enough.

Oh my god, are you my secret sister by another mister? My mum is exactly like this - is a fit, healthy and mentally sharp 67yo but acts like she’s twenty years older - the learned helplessness is real. Said the other day that she couldn’t bank transfer me the house insurance payment back that I’d paid for her ‘because she wouldn’t know where to start with that sort of thing’ despite having internet banking for the last twenty years and running her sodding business with it until five years ago.

And yes, nothing has ever been bloody good enough - and then you have to face the work colleagues/clients who all think you’re a terrible daughter thanks to her selective recollection when she’s telling them what went down. The silent treatment as well when I was a kid and the snarky comments. And constantly thinking she’s putting herself out for people when in reality, she’s just trying to manipulate everyone into behaving exactly as she wants them to…and god help you if you try to put a reasonable boundary on that.

YANBU, OP…but I think you know that!

Why did she feel unable to accept the offer of a taxi?

I’ve had similar experiences.

Best not to enable immature, controlling behaviour by begging or apologising if you’ve been thoughtful, sensible, mature and reasonable in trying to help solve a problem.

Rise above but always be open to communication and moving forward.

You need to cut this off, she behaves like this because she’s allowed to. Tell her sort her own work commute out it’s nothing to do with you. If it was my mum (although this is not how she behaves) I’d tell her to get a grip of herself before hanging up.

Your mother is being completely unreasonable. You need to take a big step back from her for your own wellbeing.

I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s an awful thing to do to child, and you must have been so scared. It’s also conditioned you to always try to please your mum, even at your expense. If you can, I’d really try to go and speak to a counsellor if you can. You have had a very difficult experience with your mum.

Have I missed something? Since when is it a child’s responsibility to make sure their parent can get to work?

Surely someone who holds down a job can sort her own transport out? And what about walking/cycling - unless she's disabled this should be an obvious option for her. 67 isn't old these days, people older than this are still climbing mountains and running marathons. How far away is work? And are you both maybe too invested in each other's lives?

I would just say.
It's not my job to get you to work. That's on you. Next time you want a lift, you need to ask. And obviously if it's not convenient. we won't be able to help.

Your Mum sounds like a textbook vulnerable narcissist. Maybe look up that to see if it fits. She is unlikely to change. But you can try to disengage. She wants your reaction to fuel her.

My mum is like this. Everything is a test. She will never say what she wants. You have to guess. She always used to say to my dad I shouldn't have to tell you, if you loved me you'd know what I want.

Whatever we did was wrong.

If we cleaned up she'd complain that she prefers to do it herself.

If we didn't clean up, she'd complain that she had to do everything.

If we asked her what she wanted us to do she'd complain that she shouldn't have to tell us.

If we just did something she'd complain that we did it wrong.

Now she hints and hints but won't ever ask for anything. And she proudly talks of how independent she is because she never asks for help.

No, she just asks if so and so is going to the shop, or says oh I've run out of x, its ok, I'll wait, oh no, never mind, I've changed my mind, ill go without... until someone gives in and says would you like me to take you to the shop then she acts all surprised like the thought hadn't occurred to her.

It is infuriating.

@zebraprintxmasdinner you only win by not paying the game.

Stop apologising. Stop begging her to allow you to do her bidding.

When she turns you down, say OK and dont offer again.

She sounds like a nightmare! How about telling her to fuck off - would that work? 🤣

How, does she ring or text or what? Blank it all. Ignore moany texts, just don't answer. If she starts during a phone call, say 'not this again. I'm going now, speak soon' and end the call. Don't give the whinging house room, literally.

On the doing things for each other, it's a snapshot but you sound like you do more. Taking parcels in - I do that for neighbours I don't even know! Free yourself of the idea you 'owe' her all this help.

Oh trust me you can detect even a hint of genuine narcissism a mile away after spending a lifetime at the hands of a narcissistic abuser.
Covert narcissists are particularly insidious as they present a facade of charitable vulnerability to the world, then reserve their disgusting abusive behaviour for behind closed doors, so you look like the arsehole when you finally put up some boundaries to salvage the mental health you have left.
If you haven’t lived it, don’t try to tell people what their experience is or isn’t.

Narcissism isn’t a mental health condition, it’s a personality disorder.
However posters aren’t ‘diagnosing’, of course they can’t do that. They can, however, suggest potential reasons for the behaviour based on their own experience. I’m fairly sure my mum is a covert narcissist. She isn’t diagnosed; the thing about narcissism is that most narcissists don’t believe they have a problem, so why would they ever seek a diagnosis? My mum behaves very much in the same way as the OP is describing her mum’s behaviour.
ETA most of us children of suspected narcs have done a lot of research in the area after a lifetime of wondering why our parents treat us the way they do, and why they are not like other people’s parents. I thought it was all my fault for a very long time.

Sorry but that is abusive. It makes me sad to read that you had to beg and plead with your mother to stop abusing you.

She's never going to change, never going to love you in the way a mother should unconditionally love their child. She's never going to see that she is abusive or wrong.

Your mother has taught you to put her first since you were a child, so I understand it's hard to put yourself first now and establish boundaries with her. But that's what you need to do so you're not spending all your energy on her.

Live your life for you op!

It never fails to amaze me how Mumsnetters are able to diagnose mental health conditions like narcissism from a single post.

I think at that point I would have lost it with her. How the fuck can she have a lift when there's no one available to do it?
I'm not surprised op is exasperated, I'm stressed by it and I'm only reading about it.

Does she know what an Uber is???
If so, she’s crazy.

This. Being 67 isn't a child.
Although she's obviously acting like one by being in a bad mood with you.

It's not your responsibility to get your DM to work.

And even so, you offered to get her an Uber, which she refused.

your mother sounds ungrateful and childish. To be like that at her age makes me think she's conditioned you to pander to her your whole life.
Time to have some boundaries op.