Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

Not even close family? I wouldn’t ask for a drink at my mum’s or my dad’s, I’d just help myself! And at my best friend’s house.

The whole thing sounds unbearable.
Your mother is in the wrong in this argument.
1/ she expects you to offer her a lift even though you don’t drive
2/ she expects you to offer your partner’s services as a taxi?
3/ when offered a lift by you albeit in an uber she turned it down
4/ she complained about the fact that she walked, which was her own choice as she is an adult, working so capable of looking after herself and finding her own solutions, and you had offered a suitable alternative.
5/ from your comment about her expecting to be offered a drink in her own daughters house instead of just asking for it or getting it herself (and making you one whilst she’s at it!) it appears she expected you to say “would you like a lift from partner”, if a lift from DP was what she specifically wanted she should have said that at the point of turning down Ubers, then your DP could decide if he wanted to set off extra early for his appt (though it should not be an expectation) and she could decide if she wanted to get to work half an hour early!

has she always been this much hard work?

Please please please read the book "adult children of emotionally immature parents" it will change your life

Your own daughter included? My family and good friends help themselves if they want something.

Frank talk ahead of mum ...
"Mum , I love you but this type of thing has to stop. We offered you an uber , you didnt take it. Next time instead of arguing with me , ask or take what you need. I can't help you unless you clearly tell me what you need i can't read your mind. Neither can anyone else. My husband had a gp appointment and I reminded you every day. You said no. When you probably should have said yes. None of this is my fault. I offered to help you , mutuple times and you are an adult mum. Please stop messaging me about it until you have calmed down and reflected mum . You are giving me a hard time when I wasn't the 1 at fault.:

do not apologise as you have done nothing wrong! Next time she brings it up, just say “mum, give it a rest now” and carry on talking about whatever you were beforehand. Sounds draining!

YANBU. She has no right to drain you, give her a wide berth until she can behave nicely.

Don't you dare apologise OP.

If she starts moaning, reiterate I offered to book and pay for an Uber.
Drop this conversation or I am hanging up/ you need to leave my house now/ whatever to end it and walk away.

Repeat until she stops.

Please start a thread!

I feel your pain-or at least can empathise.
My mum pulls this routine fairly frequently-or at least she did until recently when I initiated a no-holds-barred discussion about how she made me feel if she didn't get the attention she felt she deserved from me-even to the point of her being snarky & jealous about my spending time with my partner and/or my friends.
Clearing the air seems to have helped - there was no shouting or arguing, but some good, very direct feedback to each other. Since then-so far so good! If you can bear to initiate it, would that help your situation? I now feel much more appreciated by her, she seems now (at last!) to accept that I have a life totally independent of her. When we do spend time together now it feels much more 'grown up'.
Mums are precious so I didn't want to fall out with mine, and I sense you don't either. YANBU, you sound very caring, but some mums struggle with not being the centre of their child's world - even when they grow up it seems. However-you are not there to meet her every demand or whim.
I hope she can come around to seeing that she has a kind, sensitive and caring daughter in you!

Who on earth carries on a row for 16 hours? !! Sounds like a very unpleasant environment to be in. Even if u could have driven her, you offered a taxi. Bloody hell what more does she expect!

@zebraprintxmasdinner You could have a look at the Karpman Drama Triangle. It might give you some insights on your mum's behaviour, and give you some ideas about how to step out of the triangle.

Basically it's a model of social interaction and conflict with three roles - victim, persecutor and rescuer. People generally have a main role they prefer but can flow between the others too according to what the other people in the triangle are doing. E.g., victims often enjoy the oppressed, helpless and hard-done-by role especially if they are being rescued in a way that makes them feel important. But when they feel frustrated with their rescuers, they either switch to seeing the rescuer as a persecutor, or switch to being a persecutor themselves. That might resonate?

Have a google, it might help you to get under some of this and help you with a way to manage it.

That is horrrrrrrible behaviour. You must be very tolerant to put up with that.

What’s that saying with kids?!
ignore the bad behaviour, reward the good behaviour. How you suffer this behaviour off a grown working woman I don’t know! Don’t feed into it if she keeps going on ignore it change the subject, if she sulks and goes NC embrace it 🤣 she behaves like this because she can, simple!
what does your hubby say about her behaviour?

I would also never dream of asking someone for a drink in someone else’s house but I also wouldn’t start ww3 over it x

She's 67, not 87 😬

She's playing a role, her who life has probably been a massive pretence. She plays the martyr, she plays the old woman, she pretends her childhood was idyllic...

Next time she complains tell her you're worried about her physical health and memory. She's forgotten you offered an Uber and her lack of exercise is probably contributing to her mental decline. It's very concerning that she can't even walk 12 minutes anymore, no wonder she's now got dementia... Time to put her in a home I think.

The only way to deal with a mother like this is to move at least several hours away (preferably to a different country) and only speak to them once a week.

It would save your sanity.

Sounds like a result if she just doesn’t talk to you. Step away and let her come to you when she is ready to talk. Just tell her, you tried to help, she refused, you aren’t talking about it any more.

Sounds like your Mum is being a bit of an arsehole over this. You did what you could given your DH had to take the car for a gp
appointment. You were being a great daughter to her.

Oh love, she sounds a very entitled drama queen; stop conversing with her take some time off; switch your phone to silent put it in another room tell DP to do the same shut & lock the doors close the curtains & have a quite night, relax & enjoy the evening without the drama, a night without her being pandered to might make her realise she’s your mother not a petulant child who needs her ego soothing by you constantly x

You're enabling her behaviour by allowing her to be dependent on you. If she has the mental capacity to run her own home, still work, and is able to navigate a difficult walk to work - She should book her own taxi, and plan her own way to get to work. She needs to be encouraged to be independent, because it supports good brain and body health when they are getting a bit older.

Otherwise, when she gets older again, she is gping to expect 100% dependency on you. That won't be good for anyone's wellbeing.

As the saying goes - Use it, or lose it.

However, I would always offer my parents a drink and something to eat when in my own home. You slipped up there, but nobody is perfect.

Stop feeding into the argument and go no contact. Silence is the best response and you shouldn't feel gaslighted into being a guilty party. She's pulling the parental victim card. Put boundaries in place.

I genuinely think it’s a manipulation tactic to get people to do things for them or to have a reason to be in contact with them. Completely unnecessary because in my case, and it sounds like your case, we’d both be in contact anyway because, y’know, they’re our mums. Super-annoying but love ‘em anyway 😂

im going through this exact same thing!
iv had enough and after her last hissy fit where she made up a load of lies then when called out on it said it was paraphrasing 🙈
so iv ignored all texts.
its mentally draining and im done

How about stepping back and have an air of amused affection or affectionate amusement in your dealings with her.
Give her a big hug while declaring oh you are so funny.
Don't expect anything of her.
Just side step. Don't comment on bad behaviour nor seek to correct.
Just rise above it.
Call her darling frequently. Bit like a theatrical person who can't remember names. But wants to project positivity.
All the best.