Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

Oh tell her you've had enough of her being mean and tell her to come back when she's prepared to be polite

Hrft Ask her what she wanted you to do?
When she says a lift, say, so you wanted partner to miss his GP appointment?

If she doesn't realise how unreasonable that sounds there's no hope.
Sorry.

She sounds a nightmare. Do you think she has narcissistic traits? Could she be suffering some cognitive decline? My Mum would never have behaved like this. She is being unreasonable to the point of ridiculousness. I 🤔 you could do with drawing some boundaries and deciding on the sort of behaviour you won't accept.

Sounds like my grandmother. I eventually realised that she didn’t really want the favour, what she really wanted was the fight. I watched my Dad suffer for years from her toxic behaviour so I knew to keep my distance.

My mum does this. Always going on about how old she is. She’s 62! I’ll still be working at her age!

Although I’ve just clicked on another thread on here where the OP is talking about the father of her children being a ‘classic narcissist’ so maybe her children will one day write a thread about him and you’ll get your wish of seeing a thread about a narc dad!

What do you think the reason is?
At a guess, I’d say the narc dads have often fucked off and don’t have a relationship with their kids. Hard to write a thread about someone you don’t have a relationship with.
Regardless, the fact that there aren’t many threads about narc dads doesn’t change the fact that I’m fairly sure my mother is a covert narcissist. Like most narcs she didn’t diagnosed (because that would involve thinking there was something wrong and seeking a diagnosis, and most narcs don’t think there’s anything wrong with them) but her behaviour ticks all the boxes.

I don’t think I have ever read a dad-bashing thread on MN. The world seems to be filled with narc mums but no narc dads. I wonder why that is?

I'm confused why it's your responsibility to sort this out for another adult unless you're her carer because she's incapacitated in some way or something. I would stop accepting any 'favours' from her.

For goodness sake, she's 67 and has a job, surely she is quite capable of getting herself to work! I'm 66 and wouldn't dream of asking someone else to take me to work - I probably would have walked anyway, but if I had wanted a taxi or an uber then I would have organised one.

I wouldn't bother arguing with her, just step back until she can behave in a rational manner.

Not your problem and you're not there to drop everything for her. Tell her you hope the rough walk to work will teach her not to be so bloody awkward in future and that's what happens when grown adults act like twats.

How did it get to the point where she thought it was very unreasonable she wouldnt have a lift from you or your husband or an Uber? Your husband needs to get to his GP that's fair enough. Why couldn't she call her employers and let them know her usual lift to work wasnt available and bus services weren't great. Why didn't she call her colleague?
She obviously has a job so is a person with certain responsibilities and makes certain choices and decisions throughout the day. She is a grown woman who certainly needs to grow up and get a grip.
On one hand she's a working woman the next she's a disabled person playing on her weaknesses (that's if she's got any)
I would ignore her. Shes just playing on her age and blaming you for anything that could go wrong in her life. She was well aware of the problems that morning but she thought you'd drop everything to cater to one of her whims.
Im glad you didn't give in. You were in the right 100%. You need to think how much you depend on each other as you do seem a bit suffocated with your constant contact with each other.
Good luck 👍
Let us know how you get on

Aww what?! So taxi/uber is wasting money, but perfectly fine for your partner to be expected (by mother) to (offer to) put wear and tear on his vehicle, spend money on fuel and more to the point spend his own time giving her a lift? Or do we suspect it’s more that she wants sympathy for the fact that she had to walk (and may never have accepted a lift anyway, even without the somewhat earlier start - that just gave her more ammunition) … and she’s not getting the desired sympathy from you since you offered her two options/solutions, both of which she rejected … and hence she’s behaving like this because much in the same way you’re expected to know to offer her a drink, you were also expected to know the correct script for this situation - and to console her for how absolutely awful it was for her to have to walk for 12 minutes for a tram …

FFS, why beg and plead? If this were my mother, I'd tell her that I just don't have time for such nonsense and to let me know when she's worked out that she hasn't been wronged in any way.

She sounds like a pain the neck. My mum was like this sometimes (well quite a lot actually). She sounds narcissistic so basically you'll never live up to the standards she expects.
Ignore her tantrum and change the subject in your messages. If she doesn't like that at least you might get some peace for a few days.

My mum was just like this, the martyr routine, the selective memory when telling the sympathy seeking tales, the lot.
She went on a family holiday abroad once and kept complaining about the heat and she couldn't cope with it etc. Dad finally persuaded her to go have a lie down for an hour or so in their air conditioned room and got her a drink by the bed etc and she seemed much happier. He told her we would all pop out as planned but without her as she was suffering and checked she was fine with that.
Fast forward an hour or so later when the family returned from a quick visit to a nearby taverna to find mum sat on the stairs in the middle of reception, sobbing, with concerned staff fussing around her , having told them her family had all gone out without her and she had no idea where they'd gone .
She was in her early sixties and definitely showed no signs of dementia even up to when she died in her late eighties.
She just had a love of attention and always needed to be centre of it no matter what.

I know this phrase is overused these days but unfortunately you have a narcissistic mother. Read 'Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' for some clarity and help with setting healthy boundaries.

Parents like this will suck the life out of you if you let them, and they'll never change either.

Call her bluff this time and don't apologise. You offered to help. She refused the offer. She's in the wrong.

I suggest you google Narcissistic Personality Disorder. See if what it says seems familiar. With you as the survivor of a narcissistic mother. x

She’s sounds very similar to my mum who I have rationalised as emotionally immature with a sprinkle of narcissistic/ victim / woe is me tendency (which comes from a very difficult childhood).

Your dear mum may have had a fairly conventional (and hopefully safe) childhood but I bet it wasn’t an emotionally open or stable one? These ways of relating to others, how to illicit help and doing relationships don’t often come from an emotionally literate and responsive childhood. And no matter how old we get we can get pulled into unhelpful patterns.

You are not being unreasonable at all I wish you luck!

Oh my I’ve only just seen this!!

So she WAS offered the lift she claims not to have been offered!

You don’t drive, and he had a doctors appt. (Something important and nigh on impossible to get in person, not that there is anything your partner really should have to rearrange for your mother) …
so what magical lift was she hoping to be offered?!

She has no logic. Just woe is her she walked (not had to walk - we know she didn’t have to!).

I would not engage. I also don’t see what she expects you to have to apologise for. You did what she is saying you didn’t.

She sounds like a martyr. She is a grown woman - it's her responsibility to get herself to work not yours or your husband's. You very kindly offered to pay for her an Uber and she refused it. You've done nothing wrong!

That is very bad and childish behaviour on her part OP. I sense she’s been like this your whole life. I would say she’s treating you with a form of abuse behaving like that and causing you stress and distress. You went above and beyond to help her but she still wasn’t happy and now she’s making you suffer for no reason. You can control what you do (and you did everything you could) but you can’t control how she behaves. I would give her some space to get over it on her own and start looking after yourself, she can look after herself. (I have a sibling like this - reading about behaviour, bonding etc helped me a lot).

No you’re not in the wrong at all . You couldn’t help with a lift so you offered an alternative and she refused . End of

Some people just love to be the poor martyr and adding the ‘doddery old lady’ act just adds to it. I have a relative like this.
Would not respond again until you receive a friendly message from her. Do you have any siblings?