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Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

315 replies

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:26

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

OP posts:
MyTwinklyPanda · 04/10/2025 18:17

Does she know what an Uber is? What's her actual issue?

NeptuneOrion · 04/10/2025 17:04

She is being VVV Unreasonable.

Bohema123 · 04/10/2025 16:12

I posted questioning whether your mother was a narcissistic personality. Well since you have added other information about her it is clear! I am sorry you are tolerating all of her behaviours. I urge you to read up on narcissistic mothers if you have not done so. It will be a revelation to you and a validation. You will find yourself with a text book guide to understanding her as they all have similar traits. It might just free you from any guilt or confusion surrounding your interactions with her and it will be the start of a much better, freer life

Johna69 · 04/10/2025 16:08

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:26

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

Sounds like she will let this drag on for months,

Bohema123 · 04/10/2025 16:06

Does your mother have narcissistic personality issues of the covert vulnerable type? This type of victimhood narrative when refusing help is a classic.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/10/2025 16:06

Shellyash · 02/10/2025 13:02

So long as your general relationship is pretty good which it sounds like, i would just let it go and not worry too much. It'll blow over soon enough, she's your mum and the only one you'll ever have so make the most of it whilst she is still present.

The relationship isn't pretty good at all. Her mum constantly guilt trips OP and gives her the silent treatment (which she also did to OP as a child).

OP has done nothing wrong and she shouldn't pander to her narcissistic mum. I hate the 'you only get one mum' excuse for difficult and unpleasant mothers.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/10/2025 15:27

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:31

Offered the uber re impending strikes last week then reminded her every day up until yesterday
Did make her aware of GP apt
I can’t drive myself
We both help eachother out, but she has habit for this sort of shit acting a martyr

If you don't drive, why on earth would she complain about you not giving her a lift? I presume that if you ordered her an Uber, they would have charged it to your account, so she wouldn't have to pay so I have no idea why she would accept your offer of ordering her an Uber.

DashboardConfession · 04/10/2025 15:02

She offered to pick up the parcel so she could use it an an excuse to be invited to your house. Why do I feel like I understand your mum's motives faster than you? 😬

Just say no. No to everything she suggests in the future which she's framing as your for your benefit.

Kitkat2065 · 04/10/2025 14:51

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:53

When she does visit she’s washing my dishes etc trying to vacuum. It does my fucking head in and I’ve said to stop. To which I get “I am helping” and a long winded argument how I’m the worst person ever because of pots in the sink

I could have written this! No advice just solidarity with you

Bennetty · 04/10/2025 14:49

She sounds a bit like my mom, and quite a challenge. Is she normally challenging?

The sense I got is that she refused the Uber but expected you to send it anyway and was crossed them when you didn't. Absolutely ridiculous.

She didn't do anything to help herself, or make any other arrangements or suggestions, it's not your fault.

She's not a child.

Opalfruitfan66 · 04/10/2025 14:46

You are not being unreasonable. I am 61 and my mum is 88. We live in Greater Manchester (also bus strikes). My mum still gets about by herself although she can't walk far now so she uses the bus. I take her out pleasure shopping once a week and my aunt & uncle take her food shopping once a week. (I do see her more than once a week). She likes going out and will get the bus to the Trafford Centre by herself. I'm afraid 67 is the new 47 and if your mum is like this at 67 then heaven help you when she gets to 70.

Snakebite61 · 04/10/2025 14:23

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:26

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

No, you are definitely not the arsehole.

RandomMess · 04/10/2025 14:21

Seriously on LC and start living a drama free life. She is thriving on the conflict.

HevenlyMeS · 04/10/2025 14:16

Yes I think her Mum's idea of being polite is to wait to be offered, a drink 🙏

Ferrfoxache · 04/10/2025 14:13

Sorry for my blunt response ( Your post could be describing my own selfish Mother ) Your Mum is only 67. Not 87, So Why do YOU need to arrange HER an Uber ? Is she totally helpless ? Or just twisted ?
That's the kind of stuff that made me go Zero Contact with mine. It grinds you down. Free yourself from her Co dependancy or your life will be miserable.

DingDongJingle · 04/10/2025 14:12

Lavenderblue11 · 04/10/2025 14:07

On a different note, your poor mum working at 67, I hope she has retirement in her sights soon.

Very many people still work at 67. My mum is still working full time at 69.

HevenlyMeS · 04/10/2025 14:09

Yes I concur with you, & I'd as well hope that if someone's had a bad day & mentioned some upsetting comments, they'd, have the common decency, in retrospect, to apologise for saying unnecessary things too💚

Lavenderblue11 · 04/10/2025 14:07

On a different note, your poor mum working at 67, I hope she has retirement in her sights soon.

HevenlyMeS · 04/10/2025 14:06

Yes, why is this interesting? 🤔

Fionuala · 04/10/2025 14:04

No you are not but I think it is best to pass this off as her having a bad day and to leave it.
I think we all spend too much time worrying over issues like this, prompted by a misguided sense to reconsider all we do all the time.
You did all the right things.
In a week it'll probably all be forgotten

Peoplemakemesigh · 04/10/2025 13:51

Then don't have her to visit. You're allowed to make that decision. Agree with the others, stop accepting favours from her, she's using them as ammunition to attack you with.

Understand the game you're unwittingly playing with her. Nothing is offered altruistically, she has an agenda for everything she does and (since she does nothing "for free") a response she requires from you (as "payment") in return.

It's not about getting the parcel to you (which would be helpful because that's the result you want), it's about getting adoration from you by playing the victim and martyr. She'd have no doubt bigged up the hassle of collecting the parcel to something resembling world peace negotiations, then deliberately set off when it's raining so she could play victim about how you'd "made" her do that by asking her to fetch the parcel (which you didn't do anyway, but that doesn't fit her victim narrative).

Your role was to make her central to your day, fawn over her as guest of honour in your home for hours in return for this huge sacrifice she'd made in fetching your parcel. An act which would have been made out to be totally necessary because there's no other possible way you could have obtained this parcel if she hadn't and your Entire World would have definitely caved in if you didn't have it's contents (even though that's not true either). So basically she's saved the world, your life and is solely responsible for the continuation of the universe's existence and deserves to be treated accordingly. Instead, you just acted like a normal person and went to collect the parcel from her, thwarting her opportunity for drama and attention - how dare you?! 🤣

Regarding visits, she's treating you like staff! She doesn't have "days and times" for visiting, you're not running a day care centre for the lonely that she's paid a membership for!

Or setting things up so she can complain to others that you're treating her like staff, with her doing ironing and cleaning. Who goes into someone else's home and starts doing that without specifically being asked to help? 😵‍💫 She'll say it's helpful but it's not, it's overstepping.

I'd look into moving further away if you find yourself unable to set normal boundaries with her, which she will never stop pushing against and trying to reduce and eliminate, if she's a narcissist. I found trying to set boundaries with one is basically like fighting a constant battle because they never stop trying to destroy those boundaries. This situation is suffocating you and preventing you living your life.

People like to say on here that some people are too focused on boundaries but they don't understand that when dealing with self-centred and selfishly toxic people like this, if you're not forever totally focused on boundaries and assessing whether they're trying to overstep and whether you need to nip something in the bud, you'll turn your back for 5mins and find they've kicked those boundaries down completely and are now living rent free in your head 24/7 stealing all your peace. Or worse than that, you find they're now living rent free in your spare room, demanding to be waited in hand and foot and stealing all your time, energy and sanity, along with your peace.

No contact because of wanting a lift to work and to bring over a parcel sounds ridiculous when it's written like that, as if you're the crazy one. But it isn't, because it goes way deeper than a lift or a parcel. NC means you can stop fighting the endless emotionally draining battle of repeatedly shoring up your boundaries against their constant attacks. LC is worth a try, if for no other reason than reassuring yourself that you're not being unreasonable going NC because you've tried everything else and nothing works.

Swiftie1878 · 04/10/2025 10:50

zebraprintxmasdinner · 04/10/2025 10:45

Thank you all for your insight.

I have read up on narcissism especially in mothers and I’m wondering if low contact is the way forward

We had more dramatics yesterday.
She offered to collect a parcel for me, I said yes thank you and I said I’d pick it up on my way to do the school run (in the dreaded car) as DP was off. She then had a tantrum that I was picking it up opposed to letting her walk to my house in the rain with it, and that I always “change the times of her visits and days” it’s my fucking house, it’s draining, she comes in stands there like an 80 year old going “can I sit down please” or starts cleaning up and ironing. I don’t really want her visiting.

Tbh, you both sound pretty mean and incompatible. Low or No contact would probably benefit you both, at least for a short while for some breathing space from each other.

zebraprintxmasdinner · 04/10/2025 10:45

Thank you all for your insight.

I have read up on narcissism especially in mothers and I’m wondering if low contact is the way forward

We had more dramatics yesterday.
She offered to collect a parcel for me, I said yes thank you and I said I’d pick it up on my way to do the school run (in the dreaded car) as DP was off. She then had a tantrum that I was picking it up opposed to letting her walk to my house in the rain with it, and that I always “change the times of her visits and days” it’s my fucking house, it’s draining, she comes in stands there like an 80 year old going “can I sit down please” or starts cleaning up and ironing. I don’t really want her visiting.

OP posts:
Hidingbehindthechaos · 04/10/2025 10:14

I am a bit confused as to why you're even involved in how your mum gets to work.

You're definitely not unreasonable, if she wanted a lift she should ask, if you're unable to do it then she needs to sort an alternative herself. If she was 90 then I would answer differently. Just because she always behaves like this doesnt mean its ok, you have done nothing wrong.

WalkDontWalk · 04/10/2025 09:52

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