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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

315 replies

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:26

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 02/10/2025 11:56

She sounds very argumentative. I think I will be reducing contact and just refusing to engage when she starts going on about things. You have a bigger problem with her than the lift to work. Just stop engaging. The more you do, the more she will moan.

ChickpeaCauliflowerSalad · 02/10/2025 11:54

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:43

That was offered. She said no. She didn’t want to sit in work for 45 minutes. Her work is 20 mins away, our GP is about the same in the opposite direction, combine that with rush hour and bus strike traffic

Ok so you don't drive. She was offered a lift by your partner but didn't want to get there early (for some reason I can't quite fathom) you offered to get her an uber...

none of this was 'good enough'. WRAF did she want you to do??

Fairyvocals · 02/10/2025 11:54

She sounds like a pain in the arse. I’d just be brisk and carry on as if nothing has happened.

Caroparo52 · 02/10/2025 11:54

Was there a lack of clear communication?
If not then you offered. She refused. She's in the wrong. Ignore her. She's really annoyed with herself

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:53

When she does visit she’s washing my dishes etc trying to vacuum. It does my fucking head in and I’ve said to stop. To which I get “I am helping” and a long winded argument how I’m the worst person ever because of pots in the sink

OP posts:
Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:51

She acts as though using Ubers and taxis or asking for a lift is lazy or wasting money. She will walk then moan at me.
I have tried to end the argument however she will drag a bad mood on for weeks if she can

OP posts:
ChickpeaCauliflowerSalad · 02/10/2025 11:51

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:42

She wouldn’t accept anything because it wasn’t a lift.
We had world war 3 last week because I didn’t offer her a drink in my house, I said she can always ask me I don’t mind. She is my mum
She replied with horror that “she wouldn’t dream of asking for a drink in anyone else house”

it’s very draining

Oh I'd run out of patience with that nonsense. My house is not 'anyone else's house' just put the bloody kettle on or don't whinge about it.

Having said that I do have a friend in his 60's (I'm in my 50's) who is like this, even at his mums. He won't use his key to let himself in, he just knocks & waits for her to open the door (drives her MAD) and despite us being very close he would never just put the kettle on & still asks if he can use the loo or whatever. Does drive me mad BUT he has 'issues' & PTSD from his childhood & bloody disgusting mother, so I just 'pull his leg' about it. If it was my mum I'd get her told.

Keepsmiling2948 · 02/10/2025 11:51

Those saying they could have dropped the mum off at work earlier than she needed to be….whilst that is the logical solutionI suspect that option wouldn’t have been good enough for OPs mother either. I know this because I have an identical mother…the martyr, it’s exhausting.

Cynic17 · 02/10/2025 11:49

OP, why is your mother even involving you? A normal person would just have called a taxi or Uber for themselves - why couldn't or wouldn't she do that?
But a 16 hour argument is ridiculous, so just stop engaging with her for the time being. It sounds like you see/speak ro each other far too often, and are very involved with each other. What's wrong with just phoning her once a week, and seeing her every couple of months? Like most adults and their healthy parents.

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:48

I have no idea why
Shes always been like this
Never just texts me asking to come for a brew, waits for me to ask her and then moans that she never visits my house and is never invited

OP posts:
PumpkinSeasonOctober · 02/10/2025 11:47

Why is it your problem?

Notagain75 · 02/10/2025 11:46

Why couldn't she get a taxi herself?
It sounds as though she wanted to be a martyr.
I would never expect my children to either give a lift to work or pay for a taxi for me

Hadalifeonce · 02/10/2025 11:45

If she was my mother, I would tell her I'm not going to discuss this any further, so if she mentions it I would hang up/walk out or delete the message without reply.

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:43

That was offered. She said no. She didn’t want to sit in work for 45 minutes. Her work is 20 mins away, our GP is about the same in the opposite direction, combine that with rush hour and bus strike traffic

OP posts:
Lougle · 02/10/2025 11:42

As you say you otherwise would have taken her, why couldn't your partner have taken her to work early so that he had time to get back for his appointment.

ChickpeaCauliflowerSalad · 02/10/2025 11:42

If she's working why can't she get her own uber?

she's being 100% unreasonable, just ignore her or tell her to stop going on about it. You offered her to get her an uber, she didn't take you up on it, that's her problem.

Your partner could have taken her really early, would that have made her happy??

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:42

She wouldn’t accept anything because it wasn’t a lift.
We had world war 3 last week because I didn’t offer her a drink in my house, I said she can always ask me I don’t mind. She is my mum
She replied with horror that “she wouldn’t dream of asking for a drink in anyone else house”

it’s very draining

OP posts:
AnonKat · 02/10/2025 11:40

Why should the partner take her to work? He isn't a taxi. She is a grown women, she could have got a taxi herself or made other plans or took the nice offer of an uber.

Chazbots · 02/10/2025 11:39

Suggest a nice step thru electric bike. She's 67, don't pander to her now, it only gets worse with age.

Lurkingandlearning · 02/10/2025 11:37

Assuming you couldn’t take her yourself, perhaps your partner could have taken her much earlier than she needed to go and the returned in time for his appointment.

During a recent transport strike Uber fares were 5 times the usual rate. That might not be an issue for you. Just thought I’d mention it.

As for arguing about something for 16 hours, just accept that on this occasion you’re not going to agree and agree to disagree. It’s done now so neither of you will gain anything from winning the argument

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:37

My partner would’ve taken her. His apt was at 9am and our GP is about a 20 min drive away. There are no buses on at all and traffic is absolutely horrendous.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 02/10/2025 11:37

LoveWine123 · 02/10/2025 11:35

OP said she doesn't drive.

Show quote history

Yes, sorry, meant the partner before the appointment

LoveWine123 · 02/10/2025 11:35

Ablondiebutagoody · 02/10/2025 11:34

I would have probably taken her to work but earlier than usual

OP said she doesn't drive.

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:35

She takes my parcels in, gets us lunch sometimes which I do for her, she accepted an uber off me last week cos the bus was late and she had a migraine coming on, I help her when she is struggling financially
We do things for each other. I’ve never been a person to take the piss out of my mum.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 02/10/2025 11:35

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:33

She won’t ask anyone for anything but will moan at me for not moving heaven and earth
She got to work but I won’t hear the end of this

Why do you need to hear it? Just don't engage. Is it over messages or in person?

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