Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

Yes but again!!

It a profoundly unpleasant mother

but the op and mother completely enmeshed in day to day life and reliant on one another.

If you think your mother is all as you describe on this thread op..,, stop doing stuff for her and…. Brace yourself…. Stop asking her to do stuff for you.

You’re missing the bit where she does things for her mother too.

Indeed

happens all the time

OPs complaining about their very obviously profoundly unpleasant mothers BUT not so unpleasant that they don’t use them for childcare and other practical uses!

She said in her opening post that they regularly do things for each other.

I wouldn't accept this behaviour any longer.. she has you inside out and upside down that's no way to make your daughter feel .
Lessen contact with her your own sanity it's the only way .

Not frequently

but you do use her don’t you?

So go LC but accept that you’re going to have to pick up what she currently does or outsource

Yes the amount of threads I see from posters with profoundly unpleasant, demanding and dramatic mothers who seem to spend inordinate amount of time with their mothers, and quite often their mothers are very heavily involved with childcare and helping out the OP generally.

It is as though they know their mother is unpleasant but they don’t want them to piss off because they need them for childcare or other practical matters!

How did she know you had a parcel coming? Presumably because you told her. Stop telling her these things, stop relying on her for stuff and then she can’t use it to try to manipulate you.

That only works with ordinary people having an ordinary disagreement.

Splitting families isn't a bad thing when you need to get away from toxicity. Maintaining a relationship with her mother to what end? So she can go through this shite day after day after endless fucking day? Because these people never stop. There is no moving on because the only way they're prepared to move on is to a reality where everyone runs round doing exactly what they want them to do exactly when they want them to do it. Any deviation, anyone trying to have a life of their own or exercise personal autonomy and they'll be punished with this nonsense for "being wrong" and so what then? Another grovelling apology for stuff you haven't even done and back to jumping to attention every time they snap their fingers? What's the point?! It gets so you can't have a life with these people in your life, the two things become incompatible unless your idea of having a life is being your parents personal slave and emotional punching bag until they die.

Why is it your responsibility to get your Mum to work? She's an adult & should be making her own arrangements. If the buses are off then she makes alternative arrangements to get herself to work not rely on you or your Husband. Just don't entertain her behaviour towards you. If she's huffing with you let her huff. Sounds like she'll need you before you need her so let her stew & when she's over it speak with her as usual.

Op… your mother sounds exhausting

However I think the person to go LC with is your partner. And your mother, despite all her many faults, may be a much needed support to do this?

She can hold down a job but isnt capable of walking or ordering herself a cab?

yanbu

If I said that to my mum she’d tell me it was a ‘non apology’ and that ‘I’m sorry you feel that… ’ is a cop out. I don’t think people realise that all families are different 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, and that splits families. Not a happy situation to prolong from both sides. If you think the mother is unreasonable then an apology " I'm sorry you feel we've let you down ....Can we put this behind us?" Is not a climb down. It's a diplomatic way of bringing things to a conclusion and maintaining a relationship.

If you want to close it down, you give her the "apology that is not really an apology" along the lines of "Sorry that you feel that we let you down because DH could not give you a lift ..... Can we just put this behind us, Mum?".
Simple, the "sorry" word helps s lot. All pretty meaningless, but why drag it out. Life is too short.

Ignore the idiots saying 'Buuuuuuut she's your Muuuuum' bollocks. They don't have to put up with her martyrdom,
victimhood and weaponised incompetence/helplessness.

I could be your sister, too. Mine's been exactly the same since I can remember. Expects everyone around her to be a mindreader, wants everyone to feel sorry for her all the fucking time. God knows why.

Arrogant, superior attitude to everyone, too, based on nothing. Can't accept that other people may have different tastes, do things differently to her, may not be religious (She's Catholic)... they are wrong, end of.

My mother has lost so many friends, all her relations as she's so fucking difficult to be around. I moved to the other side of the world 35 years ago to get away from it. Very low contact since then. She drove me to attempt suicide and I needed/need to protect my mental health. In your case I'd have a good long break from her, low contact at least. She needs to realise you reap what you sow.

What!!

No way should the OP pander to her mother’s very unreasonable behaviour. A break from her would be better.

How would you word an apology, when you’ve not done anything wrong? Surely it will just come across as inauthentic?
’I’m sorry DH didn’t cancel his GP appt to take you to work’?

'A little apology and a bunch of supermarket flowers won't kill you. Move on. Families argue and get over it.'

What is she supposed to be apologising for?! And yes, families do fall out and then move on but as we've established, this is not a 'normal' family situation. OP's mother consistently expects way too much of her and is still never satisfied

She's your mother. She does things for you. She's got the hump with you and you both feel.the other is unreasonable. Draw a line under it. A little apology and a bunch of supermarket flowers won't kill you. Move on. Families argue and get over it.

On an anonymous online forum, using an example of your own experiences to back up the point you’re making is common practice. Anyway, to bring it back to you, why do you think there are more people on MN complaining about narcissistic mums than narcissistic dads? You must have a theory and I’m keen to hear it!

Do you always bring everything back to you? Isn’t that what narcs do?

My mum is 80, she'd be baffled if I offered to order her a taxi. She's perfectly capable of sorting herself out!

I'm 67.. grown woman as i am..sort myself out.. never expect anyone else to order taxi..