AIBU to leave my partner if he doesn’t put his divorce through

I wouldn't want to marry a man who couldn't manage to get divorced, has supposedly risked his own financial security to cover his wife's fraudulent dealings, has no house and a couple of dependent teenagers who live with him fulltime and that's just the stuff you know. He wants to get married and you seemingly want to get married and buy a house with this man who can't seemingly either organse or fund a divorce or even own assets without his current wife having a claim. What could possibly go wrong?

Don't be worrying about his divorce but think really hard about marrying this man and sharing your assets with him and the teenagers who will be living with you in the house you buy. There is no man as loving as a man in need of a house. By your own admission you believe what people tell you. That is a very dangerous attitude to have - you have children you need to protect - and you are likely planning to tie yourself to a very feckless man. He might have a good salary but he hasn't accumulated much in the way of assets has he? Does he really have savings? Before my husband and I married we knew exactly the details of our respective financial positions. I would never have got engaged without knowing what I was signing up for.

I think if he wanted to be divorced he would be divorced.

Hi OP, I thought about your post the other day whilst on MN.

Did your boyfriend file the divorce paperwork in the end?

For me personally, I would not get involved with a man who was still married. End of. Just don’t want this kind of complication down the line … but here you are. Again, just my take, but I would give him a deadline and mean it.

You don't know if what he says is true. Lots of men lie / fabricate / exaggerate about their ex's behaviour to get their new partner 'on side'. They've been separated 7 years! A mutual divorce after this long is easy peasy & can be done online. Best of luck 💐

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@lamumhere did he start the divorce? Just curious now some time has passed.

I would be wary of a man who says he hates the mother of his children, regardless of what has gone on. He clearly didn’t hate her when he had two DC, and hate is a strong word, which suggests he had not put the work in to come to terms with whatever has gone on and understand it.

Op hope your OK , did you ever dicuss the msgs with him

I’d feel embarrassed being with a dumbass like this.

Talking about getting engaged but still married;
making out his ex got him in to debt (bull shit, he did this all by himself);
and I would hedge a bet he doesn’t have two pennies to rub together so can’t afford the fee to divorce.

OP do yourself (and more importantly your children) a favour - and save yourself from this mess.

Sadly, October will come and go and you will still be with him.

Agree divorce can be very expensive. I know a ex couple that didn’t divorce for 20 odd years due to the cost and both living with other partners.

An amicable divorce would cost £700. A contested one can cost thousands, easily, even tens of thousands depending on how difficult the other person wants to make it. And from what you’ve said about her behaviour, there’s no reason to suggest she’d make it easy for him.

He’s probably dreading the stress and trying to put it off in the hope it will get easier in the future. Of course it won’t and he’ll have to pay that cost eventually so it’s not like he’s saving anything in the long run.

Whilst I agree with the sentiment

he’s not a home earner and never appears to have been

and the debt his ex supposedly secured in her name? Nah, that was his debt and he was telling the Op porkies

I can tell you why as hes a control freek and the kids live with him so he doesnt have to pay maintenance, and he probably owns the house he lives in and if he divorces her he will have to sell the house and give her half and over his dead body will he do that..hes one huge red flag, any man that says horrible things about his ex is a red flag, im sure everything hes telling u is not true and his ex would have a completely different version

Op this is a slow moving car crash.

Don’t end up being the place marker girlfriend OP!

I dont believe you are insecure. There is no good reason for not getting divorced if you want to marry someone new. Is his plan to be engaged for ever? Or become a bigamist?

It doesn't make sense. If he truly valued your relationship he would not be asking you to take all the risk and make all rhe concessions.

I think a combo of all three!

Thing is, you crossed your own (perfectly sensible) boundary.

"I don’t want to carry on a relationship with someone who is still legally married". And yet here you are.

Boundaries are not words designed to control another person's actions. They are guidelines as to what you will and won't accept in your life, and are enforced by your own actions. If you don't want to be with someone who is still legally married, you leave them.

He knows you don't really mean what you say, because you demonstrate it every day.

He's also someone else's husband.

I would just move on, this guy is either thick, sly or passive to an extreme. I couldn't be bothered with ultimatums or trying to cajole him into action.

He is a bit…. Thick.

Imagine suggesting to someone you get engaged when you’re already married and have made no inroads to divorcing.

Very odd person

If he is a nice guy, treats you well generally, and you are financially secure in your own right, and have no burning desire to move in/get married/have more children, then there is a lot to be said for continuing the relationship as it is.

But I do completely get why him dragging his heels over getting divorced is an issue. And I certainly wouldn't be entering into any commitments with him while he still was married.

Although, playing devil's advocate here, I also was a bit reluctant about getting divorced - admittedly I hadn't considered the financial implications mentioned here - and it was nothing to do with wanting him back or anything like that, it was an internal feeling of failure and I did feel a bit like a castaway when it finally went through. I got over it, it was irrational, but sometimes you can't help it.

I wouldn't get engaged to someone or move in with them if they were still married to someone else but I wouldn't be in a rush to blend families either.

Snap! Easily done after couple of years as long as each party agrees