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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want SC to move in as adults?

194 replies

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:11

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

OP posts:
Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:59

askmenow · 02/10/2025 10:58

So you/he are subsiding her and her partners lifestyle. I wonder if it’s under the radar and the benefits teams are aware.

Show quote history

Maintenance is irrelevant to benefits claims.

OP posts:
MyDownstairsLooisHaunted · 02/10/2025 10:59

MayaPinion · 02/10/2025 10:55

I would STRONGLY encourage them to move in with you.

”That’s fantastic. I’m so looking forward to it. We’ll have some house rules to make sure we’re all working together as a family. They include:

Either going to college or getting a job. Nobody does nothing.
You earn your own money - no handouts for anyone. If you have a full time job you pay rent.
We all join the gym and go together at least 4 times a week - this will be great for our mental and physical health
Curfew of 11pm
There will be a rota for cooking and everyone must prepare one meal a week from scratch.”

At no point must you show dismay or anything less than wild enthusiasm for all the things you could do together, how you’ll help them look for a job and get extra qualifications, how you can all go on a fitness journey together. It will be AMAZING 😜

Good idea in principle but their dad won't back up the OP, so trying to do this will be meaningless. It won't have the desired effect and the OP will end up with a very horrible battleground in her own house.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:58

jeaux90 · 02/10/2025 10:54

I don’t know where to start with this. But if you are in the UK you need to stay in some kind of education until 18. They at least need to pass GCSE maths and English at grade 4 otherwise they need to resit. Someone needs to burst their balloon and tell them some truth.

And no don’t get married if you are the house owner and bread winner.

I would be feeling so bad for these teens though, I’d be tempted to let them move in now and give them a fresh start but under your rules.

I would be thrilled if they moved in now, our door has always been open to this and I genuinely think their lives would be improved significantly. But they don’t want to and their mum doesn’t want them to.

OP posts:
askmenow · 02/10/2025 10:58

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:54

I out earn him. He works full-time (harder than I do) and sends his ex a lot of maintenance money. It’s supposed to be £500, he pays £750.

Show quote history

So you/he are subsiding her and her partners lifestyle. I wonder if it’s under the radar and the benefits teams are aware.

ComfortFoodCafe · 02/10/2025 10:57

askmenow · 02/10/2025 10:54

Don’t marry him and secure your financials as others have said.

Agreed, also dont have children with this man or history will repeat itself. He needs to go on a parenting course instead of relying on you to parent for him.

Tropicana46 · 02/10/2025 10:57

MayaPinion · 02/10/2025 10:55

I would STRONGLY encourage them to move in with you.

”That’s fantastic. I’m so looking forward to it. We’ll have some house rules to make sure we’re all working together as a family. They include:

Either going to college or getting a job. Nobody does nothing.
You earn your own money - no handouts for anyone. If you have a full time job you pay rent.
We all join the gym and go together at least 4 times a week - this will be great for our mental and physical health
Curfew of 11pm
There will be a rota for cooking and everyone must prepare one meal a week from scratch.”

At no point must you show dismay or anything less than wild enthusiasm for all the things you could do together, how you’ll help them look for a job and get extra qualifications, how you can all go on a fitness journey together. It will be AMAZING 😜

ahaha yes

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:57

ComfortFoodCafe · 02/10/2025 10:53

Right but he could of still tried to get more custody and steer them in the right direction?
But he hasnt tried clearly and now unfortunately its to late as they are old enough to decide where to live. Sadly this is a case of you reap what you sow, your partner is a bad dad and not a very capable parent.
Hopefully they both grow up and reliese its not normal and become useful members of society.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes but he prioritised looking after his sick and needy (mentally ill, cancer and dementia) parents over fighting for primary custody. He regrets that now and always will but it was a very hard time.

He did go to court, repeatedly, and was told unless he moves to them, he won’t get more custody. And even then it wouldn’t be 50/50, just an extra night in the week when SC wanted it.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 02/10/2025 10:57

I'm sorry to say but your DP sounds like a really shit dad to these kids. The blame is all on the mum but he in fact is an absent father to them. Whatever they turn into, he will need to take half the responsibility for. He's left them to their mother as that's what easy and convenient for him. Even when it comes to their future it's you who is worried about what they will do and where they will live, not him. Where is he in the picture?? What is his plan? It's just very easy to say oh the crazy ex will withhold contact and just do nothing. I'm not sure I would be happy with a partner of this sort. I would think very strongly about the kind of father he is before birthing more children to him.

MayaPinion · 02/10/2025 10:55

I would STRONGLY encourage them to move in with you.

”That’s fantastic. I’m so looking forward to it. We’ll have some house rules to make sure we’re all working together as a family. They include:

Either going to college or getting a job. Nobody does nothing.
You earn your own money - no handouts for anyone. If you have a full time job you pay rent.
We all join the gym and go together at least 4 times a week - this will be great for our mental and physical health
Curfew of 11pm
There will be a rota for cooking and everyone must prepare one meal a week from scratch.”

At no point must you show dismay or anything less than wild enthusiasm for all the things you could do together, how you’ll help them look for a job and get extra qualifications, how you can all go on a fitness journey together. It will be AMAZING 😜

MyDownstairsLooisHaunted · 02/10/2025 10:55

@CynthiaT

Don't get married. It's very clear at this stage that would be a very big mistake. I also wouldn't have any more kids unless you're prepared to go it alone with two kids, you nay be able to.

Do you own the house? I think you said it was yours.

This is going to come to a head at some point so you need to get your ducks in a row in case you need to walk away.

Your partner is at fault here. He is expecting you to shoulder the consequences of his ineffective parenting. He will throw you under the bus to keep avoiding being accountable. Just remember he is also pushing you and doesn't have your back.

askmenow · 02/10/2025 10:54

Don’t marry him and secure your financials as others have said.

jeaux90 · 02/10/2025 10:54

I don’t know where to start with this. But if you are in the UK you need to stay in some kind of education until 18. They at least need to pass GCSE maths and English at grade 4 otherwise they need to resit. Someone needs to burst their balloon and tell them some truth.

And no don’t get married if you are the house owner and bread winner.

I would be feeling so bad for these teens though, I’d be tempted to let them move in now and give them a fresh start but under your rules.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:54

Dweetfidilove · 02/10/2025 10:52

@CynthiaT , when you say you're the breadwinner, do you mean he doesn't work or that you outearn him?

I out earn him. He works full-time (harder than I do) and sends his ex a lot of maintenance money. It’s supposed to be £500, he pays £750.

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 02/10/2025 10:53

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:49

Because they’ve said it doesn’t cross the boundaries for neglect. It’s “parenting choices.”

Show quote history

Right but he could of still tried to get more custody and steer them in the right direction?
But he hasnt tried clearly and now unfortunately its to late as they are old enough to decide where to live. Sadly this is a case of you reap what you sow, your partner is a bad dad and not a very capable parent.
Hopefully they both grow up and reliese its not normal and become useful members of society.

MyDandyUmberDuck · 02/10/2025 10:53

You need to make it clear to them now what your expectations are. That you have zero interest in funding the lifestyles of two grown adults and if they ever move in with you permanently they either need to have a full time job and be paying rent or need to be in full time education with a part time job to prepare them for their futures. You need to make sure the fiance is on the same page as you in that respect too.

Theif · 02/10/2025 10:53

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:21

I’m not either, I think he’s been too passive with his ex, and prioritised his (very unwell and needy) parents over his kids.

Unfortunately we are where we are, and now the kids are old enough to vote with their feet. And of course they prefer being somewhere without expectations. They already drop weekends when they get a better offer and so our opportunities with them are lessening.

Show quote history

He's a crappy father, allows his parents to walk all over him, his ex to walk all over him and whilst this is going on you're the one picking up the slack.

What's the attraction?

Dweetfidilove · 02/10/2025 10:52

@CynthiaT , when you say you're the breadwinner, do you mean he doesn't work or that you outearn him?

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:52

ButSheSaid · 02/10/2025 10:36

That's a lazy cop out that he's 'scared' of the mother withholding contact, he can sort that with a court order, and his kids can choose what house they want to be in on any day, at their ages
.
Consider if marrying this man will really enhance your life.

Edited

She has repeatedly messed with the court order. When they were younger she’d claim they were ill or some emergency had happened, now they’re old enough she’ll book something exciting so they cancel, then the exciting thing doesn’t materialise.

It’s tough because of course he wants to see them as much as possible, but it’s natural that they prefer to be somewhere they have no rules. And they’re old enough to decide.

What I don’t want to happen is that they develop anxiety or something else vague, get disability benefits and then never/barely work but expect to be subsidised by us forever to live in our home and have no structure or expectations. I’m really sad that this is what I suspect will happen.

OP posts:
Tropicana46 · 02/10/2025 10:52

FeedingPidgeons · 02/10/2025 10:32

Put your foot down now, and don't get married.

If you're the breadwinner and it's your house then it's not financially smart to get married anyway, regardless of the SC.

Also you are right to want to draw a line in the sand about this. I suspect your DP will be more than happy to let his kids leech off you unless you put a stop to it.

I completely agree with this. Keep your independence.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2025 10:50

Definitely don’t marry him! Is the house solely yours?

I don’t think it matters what the DSC or ex think/want/plan. It’s a much bigger issue that DP thinks he can make a unilateral decision about your home and expect you to roll over. Deal with that as a priority.

Given his hands off approach to parenting the older two so far I expect it would fall to you to deal with trying to give them purpose and life skills they’re probably going to be lacking by 16. You don’t need or want that when you’ve got your own child to bring up.

CopperWhite · 02/10/2025 10:50

Their father should not be living h with you if his children are not welcome to have a home with him. He is not in a position to claim the parenting high ground if he does not provide a home for his children.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:49

ComfortFoodCafe · 02/10/2025 10:37

Its a long way off, yabu to be worrying about it.

that said if youve been in contact with social services over her neglect.. why hasnt dh gone for custody & taken her to court? He is just as much as to blame for leaving the kids with their neglectful mother!

Edited

Because they’ve said it doesn’t cross the boundaries for neglect. It’s “parenting choices.”

OP posts:
nomas · 02/10/2025 10:43

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:28

So I put DH in the post for ease but actually we’re engaged and this situation is giving me cold feet.

We have a toddler and I’d like another. He's a great dad and caring partner but very passive with his ex because he’s (validly) scared of her withholding contact. When SC are here we hold them to standards - doing homework, family meals, exercise - but there’s increasing arguments about things like phones in bedrooms. I can imagine they’ll come less as teens which is why it baffles me that they think they’ll move in as adults (I guess they think we won’t have any say on their behaviour then?).

If SC chose to move in now they’d be welcomed with open arms. I’d happily contribute to uni costs or first month’s rent or driving lessons. But I don’t want to be financially responsible for them as perpetually unemployed adults.

Show quote history

If you hold the financial cards, don't marry him!

If you split, you'll have to give him half of your house and potential child support.

Motnight · 02/10/2025 10:40

Don't marry him.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:39

tiredangry · 02/10/2025 10:35

Hmmm. It’s a long way off. Things change. I would avoid saying anything to them now about not living with you. Tackle it if/when it is a current issue. It could cause very bad feeling if you do it now.

In the meantime, your DH ought to teach these kids where money comes from. You earn it. If you take money from “the government”, you are taking from other tax payers and increasing our already unsustainable expensive debt - the repayments on which are larger than the education budget.

Our society is in a big fucking mess because of people like your dh’s ex pretending to be disabled and instilling zero work ethic in their kids. And people who really are disabled get fucked even harder and doubted.

Honestly I agree.

OP posts: