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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want SC to move in as adults?

194 replies

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:11

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

OP posts:
CatHairEveryWhereNow · 02/10/2025 11:51

So I put DH in the post for ease but actually we’re engaged and this situation is giving me cold feet.
We have a toddler and I’d like another.

You may be better on not marrying - though you could still have another child just based on not marrying.

TBH this is five years out and I think all you have to do is gently push back and laugh it off - or a simple under my roof it's work or study or both no exceptions or slowly raise idea they can do more - they should start hearing this from school and peers as well.

CautiousLurker01 · 02/10/2025 11:46

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:28

So I put DH in the post for ease but actually we’re engaged and this situation is giving me cold feet.

We have a toddler and I’d like another. He's a great dad and caring partner but very passive with his ex because he’s (validly) scared of her withholding contact. When SC are here we hold them to standards - doing homework, family meals, exercise - but there’s increasing arguments about things like phones in bedrooms. I can imagine they’ll come less as teens which is why it baffles me that they think they’ll move in as adults (I guess they think we won’t have any say on their behaviour then?).

If SC chose to move in now they’d be welcomed with open arms. I’d happily contribute to uni costs or first month’s rent or driving lessons. But I don’t want to be financially responsible for them as perpetually unemployed adults.

Show quote history

Am assuming someone else will mention it, but do NOT marry this man (yet at least). YOUR house will become a joint marital asset and you could potentially lose half of it if everything with his DC goes belly up.

I’d be very clear that a) his kids are not moving into YOUR home unless rules are established and they are working/contributing and b) that unless you can find a legal instrument that makes the house yours and yours only, in the event of marrying DP/anyone, you will not be marrying him in the near future.

Strictlycomeparent · 02/10/2025 11:45

I think if they raised it again I’d say

you’re really welcome here. Our expectations though are that you are in full time employment or study. We’d love to support you in that but for now, focus on doing well in school as that will set you up best for success.

Then leave it. They are young and ideas/plans come and go.

Easilyforgotten · 02/10/2025 11:44

Kicking the can down the road is probably unhelpful in terms of expectations. I think I would be saying to everyone that the kids either move in with you for the GCSE years, or they don't move in at all. That way there may be some incentive for them to knuckle down now, rather than (in their eyes) the rug being pulled out from under them when it's 'too late'?
I don't think that would be an unreasonable position for you to adopt.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/10/2025 11:44

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:07

I have a good career and family support. I could easily be a single parent to two and I don’t want my child to be an only child due to her dad’s ex’s “parenting choices.”

I’ll probably further delay the wedding though. It’s a shame because I would like to be married.

Show quote history

OP…don’t you think you’ve already made enough bad decisions already (you’re not the only one, but still)? How can you be so flippant about the fact that you’d happily condemn your child/ren to not having a father as a constant presence in their lives just because of a want? Also “easily”? How naive. Family stability and security are really important for children and two parents are a really important part of this.

You can’t go back in time and not get caught up in this whole shitty situation, but you can not bring another child into this. It’s not about what’s fair for you, it’s about what best for this hypothetical child you haven’t had yet and really shouldn’t. Obviously don’t marry him but then I don’t think you should have mixed households or had a kid with him in the first place - he’s not a good father.

It’s not for me to tell you what to do, that’s just my perspective and opinion. I don’t wish to be unkind about you or your life but I guess the point of using a forum is to gather a range of views. Also I know I haven’t addressed the main issue but that concerns me less, I wouldn’t let them move in as adults, perhaps with some very strict rules, but probably not, they’ll never move out.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:43

MiniLights · 02/10/2025 11:40

My DH's ex was exactly like this. He sent £500 a month till she was out of full time education so she was in education until she was 23.

Then his ex said it was "her time" now and we could "take DSD on". She had lived on benefits for decades.

DSD has significant learning disabilities and has lived with us for 8 years, but she's never going to work more than a few hours a week. She doesn't wash or tidy thigh she does her own laundry now. She's never going to leave.

I appreciate your DSC are not as disabled but you need to limit their expectations now or you'll be stuck with them.

Show quote history

I’m sorry that happened to you.

SC aren’t disabled (their mum and stepdad allegedly are) but I strongly fear that by the time they’re no longer cash cows, they’ll believe they’re too depressed or anxious or whatever to work. Which, yes, probably will happen if they’re morbidly obese, spending 16hrs a day on their phones and doing 3k steps a day. It’s horrific.

OP posts:
Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:41

nomas · 02/10/2025 11:28

Is the maintenance getting spent on the kids? If not, I would reduce to £500.

Show quote history

Honestly, probably not, but maybe once you consider their family holidays and takeaways.

When SC have school trips, he pays then deducts the money from the £750 because otherwise she’d keep it and not pay for the trips. Last time that happened we didn’t see SC for over a month. They were “ill.” It’s easy to say just reduce the money but SC are very enmeshed with their mother and believe everything she says. If the choice is between being morally right and having a backbone or seeing your kids, it’s tough.

OP posts:
MiniLights · 02/10/2025 11:40

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:19

I honestly don’t think she’ll get offload them until it makes financial sense to her. So these SC could be fully off the rails by the time they’re sent to us.

Show quote history

My DH's ex was exactly like this. He sent £500 a month till she was out of full time education so she was in education until she was 23.

Then his ex said it was "her time" now and we could "take DSD on". She had lived on benefits for decades.

DSD has significant learning disabilities and has lived with us for 8 years, but she's never going to work more than a few hours a week. She doesn't wash or tidy thigh she does her own laundry now. She's never going to leave.

I appreciate your DSC are not as disabled but you need to limit their expectations now or you'll be stuck with them.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:37

Suninthe · 02/10/2025 11:18

19 and 21.. eldest is fine youngest turnjng a corner now but been really hard work and meant my own young adults at uni always had to stay with their dad as we didnt have room.. cue resentment from me as the main breadwinner and ive struggled with the youngest alot..lots of blackmail from his ex saying i was going to make him hoomeless etc. Basically didnt allow him to go back to hers at all even when things wrre tough here. If it happens though you set the rules.. work or college contribute around the house etc. Pay board etc !! Learn to drive... omg the money we threw at drivkng lessons when hd couldn't be bothrred !! I just feel we were mugs.. kind ones but still mugs...

Show quote history

Wow, I’m sorry that it affected your relationship with your own kids. It must have been incredibly hard.

Luckily we are in a position whereby we could afford to house all the children, either together or separately if necessary.

OP posts:
nomas · 02/10/2025 11:34

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 11:31

Me too, and save the difference for driving lessons and a flat deposit

Show quote history

Good idea.

CrikeyMajikey · 02/10/2025 11:32

I think I’d be explaining life style chocies
and expectations. Assuming you and DH work full time, that is your expection of them when/if they decide to move in with you. They contribute to the cleaning, cooking and expense of running a house. My DS thought he might take a gap year before uni, absolutely no problem with that, but we made it clear he wasn’t going to be financially supported during that time.

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 11:31

nomas · 02/10/2025 11:28

Is the maintenance getting spent on the kids? If not, I would reduce to £500.

Show quote history

Me too, and save the difference for driving lessons and a flat deposit

Jenkibuble · 02/10/2025 11:31

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:11

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

For a start , education has to continue in some form until they are 18. Do thehy know this?

Like you, I would not be happy either. I too would not consider influecing to be a FT job - side hustle perhaps, but not reliable enough to live on when they are first starting.

Surely they will get careers advice at school ?
Perhaps encourage them to expore options - visit colleges with them . Get their dad to step up too !

nomas · 02/10/2025 11:28

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:17

This is exactly it. I don’t know what benefits she gets but she gets a sizeable amount in child maintenance and this will stop when SC stop education. I believe this is when she expects they’ll move in with us.

Show quote history

Is the maintenance getting spent on the kids? If not, I would reduce to £500.

nomas · 02/10/2025 11:27

Tiswa · 02/10/2025 11:13

And stop being naive it isn’t just his ex parenting choices is it. He is solvent he could change this he could fight for them but he hasn’t has he - he has prioritised his parents and his life

they are old enough to choose now if he wanted to fight for them he could so why has t he?

They are old enough to choose but they have had they're happy at mum's for now.

What's the point of spending money on lawyers when they will just say they want to stay at their mum's?

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 02/10/2025 11:25

notatinydancer · 02/10/2025 11:13

She’s already got one and wants another one.

Show quote history

That does not mean she has to have another, or has to do so with a partner who prioritises his parents over his offspring.

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 11:25

I wouldn’t be having them
move in at all. Not now. The damage has been done, and you will be left to clear up the train wreck that was not of your making. As well as paying for everything. Teens are extraordinarily expensive.

Dweetfidilove · 02/10/2025 11:25

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:54

I out earn him. He works full-time (harder than I do) and sends his ex a lot of maintenance money. It’s supposed to be £500, he pays £750.

Show quote history

Thanks for answering. I was hoping he isn't also modelling the behaviour in their other household.

If 2 of the 4 adults in their lives are just dossing about, it's hardly surprising they want to do the same.

It's a pity your partner didn't raise them himself, as their prospects might be so much different.

I wouldn't want them living with me as adults either. It will be too much hard work to 'fix' what they've become accustomed to; and you may find their dad feels the need to enable the foolishness.

I also wouldn't be marrying him either. That opens up a whole new set of vulnerabilities for you. No thanks 😔.

Ontheedgeofit · 02/10/2025 11:24

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:11

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex.

History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.

DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s.

Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time.

AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

You’re catastrophizing which is easily done when you are in your position. If what you are talking about is in 3 to 4 years time, things will change between now and then.

Tropicana46 · 02/10/2025 11:23

Bringyourfoldingchair · 02/10/2025 11:10

Poor kids. Sounds like nobody can be bothered parenting them.

Tbf OP has said she'd be fine with them moving in with them now but they don't want to due to the house rules. She just doesn't want them mooching off her after leaving school - they don't want to work, they want to be full time influencers, which would be fine if they wanted to build up a following whilst working another job but that's not their plan.

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 11:22

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:19

I honestly don’t think she’ll get offload them until it makes financial sense to her. So these SC could be fully off the rails by the time they’re sent to us.

Show quote history

Yes and fully off the rails with a new born and a toddler is going to be off the scale stressful. Their mother may not wait until they are older, if it gets too tricky, they are likely to start lashing out about their mother’s neglect at some point, so I wouldn’t bank on them staying with her.

I have teens and young adults, and a huge circle of friends in the same boat, having very different experiences…. Put it that way.

VickyEadieofThigh · 02/10/2025 11:21

Motnight · 02/10/2025 10:40

Don't marry him.

This. Really, don't.

IleSolitude · 02/10/2025 11:20

OP, you sound like a really nice, thoughtful person and I completely understand your misgivings about the children's current plans to move in.

I feel that some posters may be being harsh on your DP - it sounds like he was in a tough situation and was at least trying, even if with hindsight it wasn't the best approach.

HOWEVER, please please take a long step back, and assess what is in you and your child's best interests right now. As much as you would like to be married, which I understand, it's almost certainly not in your interests to marry now. Speaking from bitter experience, please don't give up your financial security. No-one can predict what will happen in a relationship as time goes on and if you give up that security now, it's very likely you will never get it back. If you want another child, you can still do that without being married; if you do have another child, there is all the more reason to make sure that you're secure.

Original poster
CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:19

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 11:17

I agree that I wouldn’t want anything to do with this unfolding shit show.

They are yet to hit the difficult stage (14 plus) and you might have to take them on full time whether you like it or not. Their mother checked out years ago.

Unruly teens with no boundaries or parenting are exactly the type to really bring home so serious trouble op. You will be knee deep in babies and toddlers and trying to hold down your job, whilst potentially dealing with four kids at home - two of whom could end up pregnant/on drugs/stealing and getting involved with all kinds of serious issues.

I really wouldn’t want my dc growing up around this. The mid teen stage can be challenging even in stable, well disciplined families with two committed parents. I would think long and hard.

I honestly don’t think she’ll get offload them until it makes financial sense to her. So these SC could be fully off the rails by the time they’re sent to us.

OP posts:
Suninthe · 02/10/2025 11:18

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 11:08

How old are they now?

Show quote history

19 and 21.. eldest is fine youngest turnjng a corner now but been really hard work and meant my own young adults at uni always had to stay with their dad as we didnt have room.. cue resentment from me as the main breadwinner and ive struggled with the youngest alot..lots of blackmail from his ex saying i was going to make him hoomeless etc. Basically didnt allow him to go back to hers at all even when things wrre tough here. If it happens though you set the rules.. work or college contribute around the house etc. Pay board etc !! Learn to drive... omg the money we threw at drivkng lessons when hd couldn't be bothrred !! I just feel we were mugs.. kind ones but still mugs...