To not want SC to move in as adults?

There seems to be quite a bit about weight and exercise in your posts. I’d drop that for a start - it’s not your battle to fight and you should not be placing exercise expectations on them.

But it’s becoming set in stone in these very formative and tricky years. They are already obese, behind at school, do no exercise, and have no hobbies and interests. It will be much harder to change all these basics later. Ignore the job plan of being an influencer. Lots of 12-year-olds will think it’s a great idea.

As someone with 2 SC who by the sounds of it come from a similar background to OP’s, and have both failed all their GCSEs and show zero interest in doing anything with their lives, I can assure you that there is no one out there forcing kids to resit exams, stay in education or even attend college.
It’s called NEET (not in education employment or training) and it’s estimated this applies to around 365,000 young people aged 16-24 in the UK at the moment.
You can try and burst their balloon if you like, but they simply don’t care.

OP I understand as am in a similar situation. No way would they be moving in with me. Especially not because their mum decides at 16/18 they are not bringing her any money anymore as she has milked them for the all child benefit and CSA money she’s currently getting and it will stop. And like others I’d advise you think very very carefully about marrying their dad & loosing your financial independence. I’m not suggesting you split… just think very carefully and protect yourself and your DC.

Bit silly taking as gospel what a 12 and 13 year old are saying in the here and now. They will change their mind all the time at this age about their future, yet you're assuming what they say now is set in stone. You seem to be letting yourself get all het up about something which probably wont even happen, as if youre looking for a fight with your dh over this.

I find this thread somewhat ridiculous. They won’t be 18 fo 5/6 years. They might be off with partners etc by that point. We might all have been nuked by then. Who knows?

It's so strange... everytime when I read a similar thread, every dad, even the abusive one, gets children 50:50. And here suddenly ex managed to get them almost all the time with nice maintenance money on top. Sorry, I don't believe any of this. He should have gone for 50:50 in the beginning but he didn't OR he was not as innocent as you are clamining here OR he just didn't care.
Regarding the young adults, I would never ever agree for them to move in, eat my food and rot in beds with their phones.

What a rotten situation to be in. My personal opinion is that you need to sit your DP down and have a VERY difficult conversation with him. If he can't turn the situation around, then he either needs to make it clear to his ex and children that it's now or never [in terms of moving in] but I would be very careful about marrying him. Worst case, you split incl financial assets and he has your child[ren] 50:50 while they live with their lazy step siblings.

He does I suspect, need to stop overpaying on the maintenance and start putting money away so that he can house his children in due course either by renting or having sufficient deposit to buy somewhere. If that alienates his children in the short term, that might have to be an accepted and hopefully temporary outcome.

Teen girls typically push the boundaries anyway - it’s likely they are falling out with their mother regularly at this point about many subjects.

No doubt the dc want expensive clothes, shoes, phones and insta backdrops and their mother has pointed them in your direction op. Highlighting your financial assets. You would be a fool to allow this any traction.

I would be amazed if they are not being moved in a year or less from now. Raising teens is hard work, much harder than young dc, no doubt she is bailing on the option and passing them to you.

@tiredangry
"people like your DH's ex pretending to be disabled and instilling zero work ethic in their kids. And people who are really disabled get f&^%d even harder and doubted."*
Absolutely spot on.

I'd be saying no. I'd understand if they had a difficult home life with mum and they wanted to live with us whilst they went to college and got a job thereafter but to sit on their arses, not get an education, not get a paying job to attempt be an "influencer" absolutely not. I'd be telling them if they move in with me they go to college, do an apprenticeship or get a job and do the influencer stuff in their spare time.

Sounds like mum's told them they'll be turfed out or can pay rent at 18 and they've decided to come and sponge off you instead.

I'm sure your partner is just the best! I'm sure he has Patrick Dempsey's looks, George Clooney's charm, Stewart Lee's wit, and Brad Pitt's body.

But he intends to see you wait hand and foot on two young people into their adulthood, possibly forever. Hell, he may join them once you've showcased your skills in the area.

So it would be a bye bye and good day from me.

They all sound like workshy adults, including DH.

Well, you have to make it crystal clear that the expectations from you are way higher than at their mum's, adults or not.

Start now

@CynthiaT I think it would be best for you to carefully reconsider the marriage at this time.

Right now you have some power, it is your house and you earn the most. If this (as it almost inevitably does) turn into an utter shitshow, you need to be able to say 'No, get out of my house now, that is enough'.

You'll be in very murky waters legally if you get married though. DH will be entitled to put his foot down too, he may decide to take half of your house along with him and his children.

Marriage could prove very costly in this situation, both financially and emotionally.

If I was their stepmum I'd have no qualms with telling them that there's no way they're moving into my house to live off my income, doss around filming themselves doing god knows what and calling it 'influencing' and refusing to better their education. It doesn't need to be a big argument but I would firmly tell your DP and the kids this and be clear that your mind won't be changing. If this is going to cause relationship issues then best to work out where you all stand now rather than running into big problems once you're married. If I was these kid's parents I'd be telling them to get a grip. I'd be telling them that I expect them to remain in full time education until they're 18 or in an apprenticeship and that they'll be paying rent from age 18 if they're still living in either family home. They need a reality check now because it sounds like they're basically already checked out of their education and expecting to mooch off their parents and that's a serious worry.

PS seriously consider the implications of getting married OP and make sure you protect your house and other assets

You say

“ ok sweetie, happy for you to move in, rent atm would be roughly £x/week so when your 18 inflation would make it a bit higher. Everyone works in this house so to move in you will need a job, if you decide to stay in school a part time job is fine but if you choose to leave school we expect a 40hour week in a paid job.

Finally, we can set boundaries and chores at the time.

Yikes this will be great you guys living here as adults, working and treating us for a change”

See how that plays out.

So OP if the kids were yours would you kick them out at 16 because of this? They are still young and a lot might change but your attitude kinda sucks.

You are marrying someone with kids - package deal. Not if they are employed, not if they have jobs, not if they do sport etc - all the time.

And on another note - if you get married the house won't just be yours any longer.

They both have to be in education or training until the age of 18, so they can’t lounge around all day.

At 13 my ds wanted a part time job as an adult. He’s 31 now and has worked full time since leaving uni!

Agreed. I think you need to stop planning your life based on what might happen in 5 years. I’m getting vibes that if you got what you wanted it would be ok. But you can’t trust any promises or assurances made now to last. You can’t put down imaginary ground rules for 4 years time. Things change people change and it’ll be too late when it all goes to shit.

i think it would be a good investment to get a 6/12 sessions with a counsellor to explore all of this, it will help you navigate p

I've voted YABU just because you are taking the word of two 13 and 12 years old teens too deep and too serious.
Influencers? Yes, sure they can start having work ethics now. It is not that simple. Moving with you? Yes, sure we will see if they don't change their mind in a year.
YANBU to be concern about the two other fully grown adults leaching you and taking you for granted, but I wouldn't read too much into the kids words.

Christ .
If it's your house and you own it ...don't bloody marry him
He sounds like a right wet lettuce

Honestly, I would say no. And I wouldn't get married or have another child. This has the potential to go bad very, very quickly.

Their dad has equal responsibility to their mum for his children.

You have accepted that he is a dad, by being in a relationship with him.

However, that doesn't mean that there isn't a reasonable discussion and expectations set about what this looks like going ahead. This includes you, the DC’s and their mum.
Financial, chores, rules, longer term expectations. If they don't meet these, they can't expect to move in/continue to be with you.

This is the same conversation we have with all of our children.