Page 2 | To not want SC to move in as adults?

CynthiaT · 2025-10-02T09:11:52+00:00

I have two SC, SD13 and SS12. I’ve been with DH for 5 years, a year after his split with his ex. ^History: due to his ex having an affair then moving hours away, claiming she was scared of DH so no mediation and it taking six months to get to court due to COVID, the custody schedule is that he has every other weekend and 2/3 of school holidays. He didn’t move closer as he was also a carer for his elderly parents who have since passed. Because of the affair (she is now married to the other man who was previously DH’s friend) relations have never been amicable, but she and I are civil.^ ^DH’s ex and I are pretty different. She tells SC not to bother with homework, she gives them both unrestricted phone/YouTube access, she has never read to them, no bedtimes, TV and phones in rooms, she doesn’t encourage them to wash regularly or do any exercise, she lets them stay off school for minor ailments (to spend the day online instead). As a result, they have absolutely no work ethic, are years behind at school and are both obese. It breaks my heart as they’re great kids and when younger, had lovely energy and enthusiasm. We have been in regular contact with social services and the school over the years. who say it’s parenting style not neglect, and would not warrant a custody change, especially as they’re happy at their mum’s. ^ Both kids have started saying that when they’re adults, they’ll move in with us. They both want to stop school at 16 and become influencers, basically, or if they have to work, do as few hours as possible (their mum and stepdad work 10hrs a week and are both apparently disabled). From SC, their mum is saying that it’s DH’s turn to look after them then as she’ll have done the earlier time. AIBU to say no, you’re not moving in as adults? We do have space, but it’s my house and I’m the breadwinner, and I don’t want to be indefinitely responsible for two workshy adults. If they were doing full-time study or work, I’d consider it, but they don’t want that.

Original poster

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 16:14

jeomeollibyeoldul · 02/10/2025 14:36

If this is real, it’s idiocy and there is something wrong with you, getting upset and blaming children for something that may possibly happen in 5 years. they are 12 and 13, of course they say silly things about leaving school and becoming influencers, that’s what children do. you are marrying this man so they will become your step children, but you want to bar them from their father’s home. in this day and age many children live with their parents past 18, sometimes it’s the only option. why become involved with someone with children if you can’t see them as family? these are your child’s siblings…

also, it’s your partner and his ex’s fault if the children are struggling, not theirs.

It’s 100% their parents’ fault. I’m not blaming them for their influences. I’d very happily have them move in here tomorrow. But not as adults, with the expectation of being subsidised to work less than us indefinitely.

If they lived here we could embed a work ethic, we could set expectations, and we could support them. That’s much easier to do for young teens than full grown adults.

OP posts:

Peoplemakemesigh · 02/10/2025 16:13

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 15:17

It’s this reply that has rattled the thread. It was worked out between the four of them, without you. It’s your house!!

This is an extremely telling development.

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💯. He's marrying her so he can take control of her assets. If she doesn't play ball, he'll divorce her and take half of everything.

OP the way he's acting now is how he thinks it's acceptable to act within marriage. In his mind, he's as good as there and the finishing post is just a formality at this point. He's been holding himself back the entire relationship, deferring to you a little because you held the power and could easily walk away if he pissed you off, not because he considered you an equal partner who things deserved to be discussed with. Now with the engagement he feels he owns you (and everything you have). He feels he's The Man Of The House and doesn't need to consult you or consider you in anything from now on.

Peoplemakemesigh · 02/10/2025 16:04

CandidHedgehog · 02/10/2025 15:16

It should be in my view but that would require the government to actually enforce child support against deadbeat dads (it’s not counted because so many men DON’T pay, enforcement is frequently useless and their children would starve if it was assumed to have been paid when calculating benefits.).

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It used to be taken into consideration and counted as income for benefits purposes years ago and this above was the exact reason why that situation was stopped. Women and children going without even the small amount of money the government says a person needs for survival, due to the men not paying up and nobody enforcing it.

inamo · 02/10/2025 15:40

Firstly I would question the decisions made without your input and foot down straight away.

Then, hold off marriage until the time comes when SC might make a move. No one knows what will happen there.

Thirdly, as a woman with her own home and the breadwinner, you need to assert yourself far more. You actually hold a lot of the cards here. Do not be a doormat for anyone.

Lastly, and this is just me possibly, but I would not blend families for anyone. I am sure there are very successful "blendings" out there, but I would not be a fan at all. Too many ways for things to go belly up and no one is happy.

CandidHedgehog · 02/10/2025 15:39

Bluefloor · 02/10/2025 15:22

I probably wouldn’t spend any time thinking about it at this point, it’s years away and they will have changed their mind multiple times by then. However I would have the same expectations as I would for my own children, if you’re not learning your earning and contributing to the household.

For me it’s not so much whether or not the children move in that needs thinking about now, it’s the attitude of their father.

He is making decisions about property he doesn’t currently own without getting any input from the owner of said property. The OP needs to decide if that’s acceptable before she marries him / has another child with him. That decision is not years away. It’s right now.

Bluefloor · 02/10/2025 15:22

I probably wouldn’t spend any time thinking about it at this point, it’s years away and they will have changed their mind multiple times by then. However I would have the same expectations as I would for my own children, if you’re not learning your earning and contributing to the household.

Nestingbirds · 02/10/2025 15:17

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:22

Because it seems to be an expectation from SC, their mum and DH without me being consulted. If I don’t state my position now, I’m tacitly agreeing to it.

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It’s this reply that has rattled the thread. It was worked out between the four of them, without you. It’s your house!!

This is an extremely telling development.

CandidHedgehog · 02/10/2025 15:16

pinkyredrose · 02/10/2025 15:12

I stand corrected. I always thought it was!

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It should be in my view but that would require the government to actually enforce child support against deadbeat dads (it’s not counted because so many men DON’T pay, enforcement is frequently useless and their children would starve if it was assumed to have been paid when calculating benefits.).

pinkyredrose · 02/10/2025 15:12

CandidHedgehog · 02/10/2025 14:03

The gov.uk website disagrees with you (at the end of the page).

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

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I stand corrected. I always thought it was!

LakieLady · 02/10/2025 14:41

GameWheelsAlarm · 02/10/2025 10:24

They only bring in benefits after the age of 16 if they remain in full time education. Even an apprenticeship doesn't qualify, it has to be actual learning.

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Of if they have a health condition/disability or are carers.

timeandagainagain · 02/10/2025 14:39

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:28

So I put DH in the post for ease but actually we’re engaged and this situation is giving me cold feet.

We have a toddler and I’d like another. He's a great dad and caring partner but very passive with his ex because he’s (validly) scared of her withholding contact. When SC are here we hold them to standards - doing homework, family meals, exercise - but there’s increasing arguments about things like phones in bedrooms. I can imagine they’ll come less as teens which is why it baffles me that they think they’ll move in as adults (I guess they think we won’t have any say on their behaviour then?).

If SC chose to move in now they’d be welcomed with open arms. I’d happily contribute to uni costs or first month’s rent or driving lessons. But I don’t want to be financially responsible for them as perpetually unemployed adults.

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This doesn't sound like a great situation for you at all - if you are the breadwinner and it is your house, please don't get married or allow your workshy adult step children (when they are adults) to move in. There is no way this will end well for you (although I guess as taxpayers we should be grateful, else we will be paying for them). Apart from the financial implications, the situation will definitely cause resentment to build up and cause a huge strain on your relationship.

jeomeollibyeoldul · 02/10/2025 14:36

If this is real, it’s idiocy and there is something wrong with you, getting upset and blaming children for something that may possibly happen in 5 years. they are 12 and 13, of course they say silly things about leaving school and becoming influencers, that’s what children do. you are marrying this man so they will become your step children, but you want to bar them from their father’s home. in this day and age many children live with their parents past 18, sometimes it’s the only option. why become involved with someone with children if you can’t see them as family? these are your child’s siblings…

also, it’s your partner and his ex’s fault if the children are struggling, not theirs.

suburberphobe · 02/10/2025 14:31

SD’s latest plan is that she’ll do nails from home for a day a week

That'll be your home then. Fuck that.

They sound very entitled. Do NOT let them move into YOUR house!!

GAJLY · 02/10/2025 14:26

You'd never get rid of them! 18 years old are adults. They need to get their own place!

Glowingup · 02/10/2025 14:22

It sounds such unrealistic bollocks - the talk about nails and boyfriends, how they will be influencers, not work but live with the OP full time. All sounds like rage-bait. As if a 12/13 year old who seems somewhat reluctant to stay at their dads at the moment would be talking like that. Oh and the obese mum who pretends to be disabled.

outerspacepotato · 02/10/2025 14:22

You could make it clear to your live in that his children will not be moving in with you unless there's significant changes shown before that happens.

Rules would be set down. School or working. No pay, no play. Chores assigned. They become part of the family team. They pay rent. They don't like it, they go back to mom's.

The thing is, you know he's not going to agree. He won't push anything with them because he's more afraid of their not liking him than the fallout of being the responsible parent raising kids for an independent future as full adults. And you'll be stuck with spoiled wannabe influencers while trying to raise your own child around teens who don't work or go to school. His daughter's plan of doing nails, where would she be doing that? Rent a space? Or in your home now complete with some toxic fumes and chemicals for your child to be exposed to and get into.

If they move in, it's going to be miserable, you're going to resent the shit out of them and him because they're the results of his shit parenting along with his ex's and you'll be stuck with it. And they won't like you much either. Tension for breakfast, lunch and dinner, how's that sound?

What I really would do is make it clear when they bring it up that their plan isn't your plan. Make it clear to your live in that if the day comes when they expect to move in with him, he'll have to find his own place with them.

Whatever you do, don't marry this dude. Don't have another kid with him.

WellYouWereMythTaken · 02/10/2025 14:19

PruthePrune · 02/10/2025 10:19

This hasn't happened yet, it is years off so why are you even asking?

Agree with this. It’s years away. They go through a lot of changes in so many ways at this age. Deal with this if and when it becomes an actual issue.

Zippedydodah · 02/10/2025 14:18

Your partner and his ex and DCs have it well worked out between them, don’t they?
You’ll be housing and financially supporting three adults as well as yourself and your joint dc(s). All nicely sorted.
For heaven’s sake OP, be highly grateful that they’ve given you clear warning of their intentions and chuck them all out ffs!
They must be rubbing their hands in glee.

Original poster

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 14:14

Silverbirchleaf · 02/10/2025 14:08

But not your problem to sort, especially if not married to dp.

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Of course it is, because their father is also the father to my child(ren). I’d need to decide whether to break up my children’s home and my relationship or not. That has a huge impact on me and my children.

When I got together with my partner, I assumed we’d be paying for them as children and helping them out as young adults. Not housing them indefinitely.

OP posts:

CandidHedgehog · 02/10/2025 14:12

I agree you shouldn’t marry him. If you do, it’s the matrimonial home and he can invite his children to move in. If you don’t, it’s your home, he’s a lodger and he has no rights. Having said that, make sure it’s clear he has no equitable interest in the property - consult a solicitor if necessary.

If you do marry and he insists on the (now adult) children moving in, are you prepared to move out and pay him half the value of your home to avoid living with his children? Because that’s what it may come to.

I do think you need to tell everyone this isn’t happening, though. Your DP’s response may be informative.

Silverbirchleaf · 02/10/2025 14:08

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 14:05

They think they’ll have no rules because they’re adults, or that they’ll have equal say to us because they’ll be adults. SD was recently discussing how she’ll need to redecorate and get a double bed for when her boyfriend stays!

The thing is, even if they were working or studying, and contributing a bit, I’m not sure I would want to live with them indefinitely? I had my share of house shares in my 20s. We’d have one or two young kids, our house is big but not huge and I’ve got no desire to extend or take on more debt to house them permanently. With the way the world is going, I know it’ll be harder and harder for young people without skills, education or work ethic to move out.

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But not your problem to sort, especially if not married to dp.

nixon1976 · 02/10/2025 14:08

CautiousLurker01 · 02/10/2025 11:46

Am assuming someone else will mention it, but do NOT marry this man (yet at least). YOUR house will become a joint marital asset and you could potentially lose half of it if everything with his DC goes belly up.

I’d be very clear that a) his kids are not moving into YOUR home unless rules are established and they are working/contributing and b) that unless you can find a legal instrument that makes the house yours and yours only, in the event of marrying DP/anyone, you will not be marrying him in the near future.

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This. It sounds like a dreadful situation and I really feel for you.

Protect yourself and your financial future and don't marry him.

If and when there is any talk about his kids moving in you can lay down (and follow through) very firmly the house rules in YOUR house

Silverbirchleaf · 02/10/2025 14:06

Lots of good advice in this thread. The dc are only in their early teens, so a long while to go yet, but their work ethic is showing through. It may only be a small red flag at the moment, but this is one that you shouldn’t ignore, and definitely keep at the back of your mind.

I agree with the others. Hold of marrying this guy. As someone upthread said, you hold the power. The house is yours and being engaged means nothing in reality. If you want do to leave, he has no grounds to fight. Keep your escape route open.

Original poster

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 14:05

Frogs88 · 02/10/2025 13:49

If they don’t want to move in now then I doubt that’ll change when they’re 18 (unless they think they’ll have no rules because they’re adults). Let them know that you are happy for them to move in/stay over but regardless of age they need to follow house rules and they’ll be expectations for them to be in full time education or work.

Your DP needs to start having conversations about their future goals/plans and make it clear that without some effort from them then their life will not be as enjoyable as it could be. One parent putting the effort in can really make a difference to how children view themselves and their expectations of themselves.

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They think they’ll have no rules because they’re adults, or that they’ll have equal say to us because they’ll be adults. SD was recently discussing how she’ll need to redecorate and get a double bed for when her boyfriend stays!

The thing is, even if they were working or studying, and contributing a bit, I’m not sure I would want to live with them indefinitely? I had my share of house shares in my 20s. We’d have one or two young kids, our house is big but not huge and I’ve got no desire to extend or take on more debt to house them permanently. With the way the world is going, I know it’ll be harder and harder for young people without skills, education or work ethic to move out.

OP posts:

Howwilliknow122 · 02/10/2025 14:04

CynthiaT · 02/10/2025 10:19

It’s not entirely clear but the impression I get is that it’d be when they’re 18. But they don’t want to go to college or sixth form, or get jobs at 16. SD’s latest plan is that she’ll do nails from home for a day a week so I think the plan is that she’d do a beauty course at college.

The cynic in me says their mum is happy to keep them whilst they’re bringing in benefits, but not afterwards.

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They said the exact words, 'I'll do nails only one day week? And now you've had the backlash about a 16 year not being an adult, its now 18 when they will move in. You're worried about two kids moving in years away from now because they are lazy teens but one is going to the trouble of beauty college with the intend on working 'one day a week' ...