To elope or not to elope?

I got married in my early 40’s. It was so easy to do away with all the wedding things we found tiresome (most of it tbh) with age you can rewrite the rules somewhat. We had an early evening ceremony, a champagne tower and then a cocktail party with charcuterie boards and bowls of street food. 40 guests. It cost £4k total. No boring chicken dinner and dull speeches. ‘City weddings’ can be very chic. Or elope and have a big party if you want to dance the night away (I didn’t!). Just don’t bow down to what other people think your wedding should look like.

The getting married in vegas sounds fun and a way better use of money.
you could have a party after your married to include everyone else.

I am like this (massive overthinker, not romantic, very pragmatic) and dragging my feet with the wedding for 3-4 years almost cost me my relationship. He was going to leave because he thought I was not serious with him, and he had no time to waste. But that was not the case! Weddings are just not that important for me. Anyway, fast forward, we did go ahead with it and I'm surprised to say, it was one of the best days of my life!
You can tailor and plan your wedding the way you want it to be, and that's the beauty of it. It doesn't need to be scary ... (says she, in hindsight ;) x

You do what suits you and your budget. Weddings are totally out of hand now thanks to the instagram generation. We had just bought a house before we got married. Our venue was a local village hall. £100. £3k for catering, £600 for venue decor that we did ourselves. We were ruthless with the guest list. 40 day guests, an additional 25 for the evening. We did splurge £2k on a live band as I hate djs, the ultimate in tackiness.

neither of us had stag/hen dos as they are also a tacky waste of money. You can do a wedding for a decent price, just be prepared to be ruthless. Our day was magical, best day ever.

We decided, on the advice of our accountant & solicitor, to get married 16 yrs ago (we’d been together for years & years)
A fortnight beforehand we went in & booked the registry office.
We had our two friends as witnesses, and our two kids, 8 & nearly 4.
We wrote our own vows, separately from each other, and were delighted when they turned out to be similar.
We had a beautiful soundtrack of songs that meant a lot to us both.
We went for a lovely meal straight after & then when home we sent ready prepared emails & texts.
A few neighbours came in for drinks.
It was a stress free, beautiful day.
Some people were really annoyed that we hadn’t confided in them (but no-one has mentioned it since)
A few months later we had a wonderful holiday (belated honeymoon) with our kids.
We all had nice, smart clothes, some flowers, and memorable music, everything was perfect.
It probably cost less than £1,000 (cost was a minor issue, it was the fuss of families that made us chose to go it alone)
We’ve never regretted it!
Follow your gut instincts!

I have never met a couple that regretted eloping

Maybe because those that do aren’t couples anymore. I regret eloping. It was a genuine elopement, not just a small wedding, and it upset several people very close to us. We aren’t a couple anymore.

My second wedding was much bigger, well over 100 guests, and was worth every penny spent on it. Including the all-day free bar.

Our wedding was us, and 2 family members each. We bought a dress, suit and a bunch of flowers, plus rings.
Went for a lovely breakfast all together in the morning. Got married, watched England vs Wales rugby in a pub in the afternoon. Nice meal in the evening. Didn't tell anyone else until afterwards. No stress, low cost.
No regrets.

Just do what you two want. Forget everyone else.

When we were getting married someone told me that with weddings you'll always offend at least one bugger so you might as well do it in style: do what you want and offend all the buggers.

We didn't listen. We didn't want the wedding day but let family (parents!) talk us into "a small wedding". 😬Although we did stand firm on having close friends and family and not random great aunts or second cousins that we only see at weddings and funerals.

I regret not standing my ground. It was 'fine' but I didn't enjoy it. It wasn't me. I hated the fuss and attention. If we were to do it again we would just go away and do it quietly just ourselves.

Stop thinking about who might think this, who would want that. What do you want? What is immediate gut response? Do that.

My son eloped and they had a beautiful beach wedding, they are planning a big party on their first anniversary.
You don’t need a grand wedding if you don’t want to.
why stress out thinking of others, it’s your day.
Not theirs.

If I was you I'd get married at the registry office with just a handful of closest family including your grandmother. All your parents will be chuffed to have been there and forever you'll remember your dear old grandmother seeing you wed.
Nice lunch after in a local restaurant.

Then bugger off to Vegas and have a phenomenal time, either just the two of you or close friends.

If you still feel bad about not entertaining your friends, have a cracking party when you get back.

The single most important thing to remember about all of this is that it's only your wedding day. The marriage is the most important thing.

My cousin got married in Vegas. He said it was the best decision he made (other than proposing to his DW)

I think friends will totally understand. I think family less so. I would be devastated if my daughter or sister got married without telling me/inviting me even if it were just to the registry office/actual wedding part.

I do know of people who have had: 12 people each/ registry office and nice pub afterwards /garden party wedding (admittedly they live in rural wales and have a big garden where people could camp) for between £1-3k including their outfits and people who have gone for a less than £5k wedding.

Have you thought about a small ceremony - parents, siblings, grandparents...followed by a celebration meal somewhere nice? That way you get the dress, nice pics. Small bouquet. But not massive cost, pressure or planning!

We eloped, invited the neighbours to be witnesses. Best day ever, no regrets (been 3 decades now). Cost us next to nothing, zero pressure, and was great fun.

I highly recommend eloping!

We eloped and it was fantastic. I'd strongly suggest the option #2 of doing it yourselves on holiday. We did a similar trip, and it was stress free, all about us, and just wonderful. A few months later we had drinks at a local pub with family/friends to celebrate. Low key, low cost, and we don't regret it for a second.

We paid less than a £1000 for ours including rings
Only a handful of guests knew we were getting married, even our children didn’t know until half an hour before.
No presents, no hassle and no regrets.

Weddings don't have to be expensive.

We got married at a registry office in a pretty little town about a 45 minute drive away from where we live, with 30 of our family, we met everyone an hour before the wedding and had a little picnic in the park where we did photos to get them out of the way while everyone mingled, then after the wedding we treated everyone to meal and drinks at a lovely pub/cafe round the corner from the registry office, who let us use their private hire space.. we pre-ordered the food and the pub were absolutely amazing at looking after us.

Then we travelled back and had a party that night for 90 people in the evening at a cafe where we live which offers exclusive private party hire in the evenings, the cafe did the buffet food, and we supplied our own music (party speaker with pre-done playlists) and entertainment (casino).

The whole day, including everything, came in at £4500.

Bottom line is, you can do anything you like with no justification to anyone, we didn't want hen dos or stag dos, as we felt like we would be paying for a party three times! So we threw everything at the day instead, If you carefully plan everything yourselves and skip all the unnecessary bullshit you can have an amazing wedding at a price point of your choosing.

I have done both! Eloped in Hawaii (as I was never keen on big weddings) and then we spent £40k for a wedding with 100 people (my partner really wanted a proper wedding with his family). Both had their own beauty in a different way but the one with everyone was honestly the best day ever! Having our closest people from every stage of our lives celebrating with us was so so so special! Looking back I believe that it was so worth spending all that money. I have zero regrets!

You can have a big wedding and it not cost loads of money! I’m getting married next year, 60 day guests and 120 evening. The ceremony is in our town hall, then bus everybody to our local pub where we’ve hired the entire garden with a marquee. There’s a drinks and nibbles reception after the ceremony, a drinks reception at the pub, bbq in the day then a cold buffet in the evening. All in with absolutely everything we’re looking around 8k which feels comfortable for us to give people a nice experience without being completely ridiculous. We are having a cash bar once the free drinks run out but you could put a couple of grand behind the bar if you wish. Costs very much depend on how many guests and where you are located. Food is the biggest cost for ours. We are DYI’ing some bits but nothing major, we’ve been gifted flowers, my dress is from Vinted, a friend got us a great deal on our wedding rings, we’ll have a supermarket made to order cake and the reception venue hire is very very cheap. Join some budget Facebook wedding groups, you’d be surprised to see how lovely a wedding you can have with all the guests you want for a much smaller cost xx

1st wedding I eloped. That's it nothing else.

2nd wedding casual destination wedding, booked villa for us all, booked wedding, booked restaurant and wore shorts. But when we got back had a party where all invited for BBQ and band.

Did you take him up on offer? Did he attend? @klim

We eloped, but didn't involve anyone at all, and that way it was scrupulously fair.

My side and DH's side of the family wouldn't mix well. We have huge families (mum is one of 9), so couldn't invite aunties, uncles, cousins, as we'd end up with a guest list of 200 people.

We could have just done parents and siblings. But my parents are divorced and my dad has remarried. I tolerate my "step mum" and we get on fine, but I certainly wouldn't want her at my wedding, but wouldn't upset my dad by excluding her.

We couldn't think of a way of making it fair. Added to that, I'm not a wedding person, have never dreamt of getting married, and didn't want any work or expense.

So we did a true elopement with strangers as witnesses.

Dad thinks it's brilliant. Our other parents might have been put out a bit, but we've always lived life on our own terms and noone (close to us) has ever attempted to share their views on it with us!

We're still together after 20 years with one another and 11 years of marriage, and several friends who had big weddings have since divorced.

I will add, to do what we've done you need a will of iron. I've had comments from total strangers about how they'd be absolutely devastated if their kids eloped and it would break their heart. My response is always "fair enough 🤷🏼‍♀️".

i think eloping or a small overseas wedding sounds lovely. But if you decided to have a wedding here, it doesn’t have to be a huge event - you could have a register office wedding and then hire a nice local restaurant for the afternoon for a meal for about 20 close friends and family, and it wouldn’t cost a fortune. We had a diy wedding and hired the upstairs room in our local pub. Our mothers did all the food, we bought supermarket wine and soft drinks and the pub landlord gave us a barrel of beer as a wedding present. We made tapes of your favourite music and a friend brought his sound system. It was a long time ago but the whole day cost a fraction of what friends were spending and it is still the best wedding I’ve been to .

The vast majority of people don’t have “bitchy hen dos” or spend £30k or demand people unwillingly use their annual leave to travel to a destination wedding.

You want contradictory things -
Invite all your friends who have invited you to their events, but not invite people as it’s cringe.
Not expect people to travel to a destination wedding but also go to Vegas
Invite family - but go somewhere where family are so uninterested in that even a wedding won’t drag them there
Not expect guests to spend a lot - but make it far away
Invite family only - but also invite friends - but not friends as cringe - and not family as too far
You don’t want a cash bar but you don’t want to spend a lot of money

The first question is do you want to be married
If “yes” move on to second question - budget - do you want to spend £500? -£3000? £10000? £40000? - your budget is a major factor in the type of wedding you will have.
Decide who it is important to have with you - parents? Siblings? Wider family? Friends? How many people? Are you willing to ask those people to travel (if not then forget about a destination wedding immediately) and will those people be able to physically travel and use their annual leave (medics maybe not) - again, you can’t have a destination wedding with these people if they can’t go.
Once you have determined your budget and have an idea of numbers then you will have shut some doors.
You need to minus certain things from your budget that are fixed (fees, room hire, new clothes, transport costs, accommodation costs ) and roughly work out a budget per head - this decides what you can have. If you’ve chosen a lot of guests and a small budget then you aren’t going to vegas and covering all expenses - you are in a community centre with a buffet. If you have chosen a small guest list with a big budget then you can have a big venue with expensive catering and a free bar.
It sounds like the best thing to do is have an intimate parents and siblings only wedding in a nice but small venue with a lovely meal and cake and drinks and organise a mates holiday to vegas next year.
You are an overthinker (I have some sympathy - I am also a sufferer) but your problems (I want to invite my friends, but don’t want to manage a load of groups of friends who are strangers to each other, or spend £30k, or feel I’m being a demanding bridzilla forcing everyone to come to my party, or have a cash bar, but also don’t want a load of pissed up people and a £20k bar bill) are problems we all face when planning our wedding. Sometimes you just need to shit or get off the pot.

Apart from possibly your parents no one else cares if you get married or when/when/how as long as its not costing them a fortune to attend. So just get on with it. Or don't. It makes no difference to anyone else.