Ds21 and new “girlfriend”

It probably is time for him to move out. He’s not learning any responsibility with the current situation. However in the meantime I don’t think I’d stop him bringing the girl over. His pattern of being with different girls for a short time is probably fairly normal for his age. It doesn’t mean he’ll end up some mysogynistic lothario! By all means let him no that there’s to be no sex, however I’m not sure that’s the way I’d go. I had my boyfriend staying over in my room at that age- steady boyfriend mind you, not a succession of different boys!- and we just knew to be quiet and respectful. Maybe the rule should be girls only stay over if it’s a serious relationship- if they’ve been together six months plus, for example. He’s a little bit old for sitting in his room with the door left open! Sex is normal. But he can be respectful by keeping noise down and sticking to his room.

This. Honestly hate to make you feel bad OP but perhaps look at setting ‘boundaries’.

Decide with your current husband what is an absolute no go then sit down with your son and communicate these boundaries in a calm and healthy way that keeps a connection with him.

It might be a big change from the way you have communicated with him in the past. But this young man needs to take responsibility for his behaviour - he gets his value system and boundaries on how to treat people / women from YOU. If it’s mutually fine then not an issue but perhaps ask him if he understands a healthy relationship to look like? Your rules but I’d allow my 20 year son have his girlfriend over but it’s a proper relationship. They also take care not to be there ALL the time. My son is expected to be an effective adult in the house - he mows the lawn and cuts the hedges and does various jobs we ask for as he is at uni and doesn’t pay rent. I’d still expect that anyway as we all live together.

If he lives with you- you also have influence over his view of women . You can model female treatment by not doing everything for him and portraying a model of women doing everything for a man? Expect him to step up.

You need to get some skills around this. The aim is to set boundaries and consequences that still creates a connection not a threat.

You might reach a bit of resistance initially as this is about change.

Ewwww sex in the bathroom no respect.

Big difference between being discreet with a long term girlfriend who interacts with the family and going at it in the bathroom on a Saturday night and waking your mum up!
I was always allowed to stay at my boyfriend’s house, but we sat downstairs and chatted to his parents and sometimes had dinner before going up to “watch a film”.

I think it’s your house, your rules. Perfectly reasonable to not want him bringing back one night stands and short flings. My parents had a no boys in the bedroom rule - I was always told I was welcome to find my own place if I didn’t like the house rules … I lived with them until I was 30. At that age you have to decide what you want, money in your pocket or complete independence and all the stress and chores that come with. I lived at home for £200 a month, chipped in with the housework and spent my 20s having the best time socialising and holidaying with my friends and boyfriend.

The reality is that most 20 somethings still live in the family home for financial reasons. Are you really saying the should all be celibate?? Should the parents also?

Yeah it’s time he moves out. I wouldn’t be doing any of his washing, buying food and toiletries. He’s been very disrespectful and not just with the girl thing. He’ll get a shock once he moves out. It would be different if he was nice to be around and helped. Sometimes adults living together just doesn’t work even if they are your child. Give him a month to find a room to rent I wouldn’t put up with all the bad behaviour. He can do as he pleases then!

I also however, put my foot down on first date sex and instilled in both of them to take precautions, as girls lie to baby trap.

Yes I'm sure all the girls were queuing up to 'baby trap' lads who still lived at home and whose mum controlled whether they were allowed to have sex on a first date.

As the mum of twin lads, (now29) let me say, living in their room is a thing.
I’m betting he has his TV, his games console and everything he needs to be comfy in his room.
First off, I do hope he is paying you some sort of rent, a token gesture maybe, but they need to learn, food, heating and a roof over their head, isn’t cheap. (£25 a month went to £50).
My rules were that they kept their bedrooms clean, cleared up and washed up, if they used the kitchen, made sure to include others if they were brewing up and helped if asked by either myself or their dad.
Secondly, he’s 21 and will go through any number of gf’s before meeting “the one”, I allowed girlfriends because, the thought of them being in some god awful hovel having sex, was unsafe and at least, I knew their whereabouts.
I also however, put my foot down on first date sex and instilled in both of them to take precautions, as girls lie to baby trap.
We have always had their young friends around, both male and female.
The treating the place like a hotel, is something you get used to, mine always informed me of where they were and what time they would be back, or not.
At a young age they all got into poker and poker nights at our house was a bedroom full of roudy young teenagers and then young people.
All their friends of over 15 years, gf’s and lads are still in their circle of friends.
I even eventually understood their grunt and groan language, it’s so enlightening having sons and having seen teenage daughters, am glad I didn’t have to deal with them!.

I have 2 DS, both early twenties. One lives at home, the other doesn't. But why on earth can't he bring a girlfriend/partner home? My DS both bring partners home. That seems really restrictive to not allow them to do so. I'd ask them to keep it down and use his bedroom not the family bathroom, but I wouldn't have a problem with a girl/partner coming home with him. I would expect more contribution in terms of helping in the house (prepping a dinner for everyone every so often, putting on some laundry etc) but I see that as a different issue to the girlfriend.

I think you should tell him about Saturday night and not do any washing of clothes etc.

He needs to grow up and respect you and the house he lives in.

But it is being unreasonable if he is not allowed to bring girlfriends back, he 21.

Can he afford to? It doesn’t sound like it!

I know they were upset about the break up because his first one was messaging me telling me how hurt she was by it all. He told me himself the second girl was upset by it all and he felt bad and asked for my advice.

I think your a bit over involved here as he's 21.

However respecting your house - contributing and following the rules he absoluetly should be doing and should have been doing it for years at this point. So sit him down and lay some ground rules down - make sure it is clear.

I'd be fuming I'd have to point out the no sex in bathroom rule - but bedrooms well it is your house and you need to think what you are prepared to tolerate - cheap hotel rooms are avalaible to him if he's earning - but it may be time for you both to sit down and make plans about how he moves out.

I think it’s weirder that one of these young women contacted you to say she was upset after a brief relationship…

Do your girls have the same father? If they had two relationships in a year would you be scared they were becoming like their dad?

He reminds me of his father

But he's not his father.

Please stop doing everything for him. It sends all sorts of wrong messages: that women are on the planet to serve men; that he somehow is 'above' menial work; that everyday chores magically do themselves; that he isn't capable of being a responsible adult.

Tell him that you have left it a bit late but it is time he picked up basic adult life skills. Show him how to do mixed load laundry and delicates, which covers pretty much everything. Show him how to check pockets for tissues and check the machine isn't overloaded, and where to put whatever soap you use. Then leave him to it. But expect him to wash his towels once a week and bedding twice a month minimum, so the house doesn't smell like a squat.

Get him to cook a family dinner and clear up after it twice a week, every week, and to either buy the food or pay towards the food shop. (I always suggest DC clear up after their own cooking when they first learn to cook, so you are not left cleaning every pan in the house for a barely edible pasta. It teaches them to be economical with how many pans they use.)

21 isn't that old in terms of still being at home, especially these days with the cost of things
His behaviour is entirely normal. My son's at that stage- he'll leave soonish (please god!!) but in the meantime he's not made to feel like a burden.
We'll pull him up on some stuff but pick our battles because he's pretty good otherwise
Your partner doesn't get it, or try to, because he's not his father
How old are his sisters? Are they half sisters? He doesn't have to interact with them, they're yours, not his.
Not his fault his family couldn't stay together but he's paying a price and seen as a bit of a nuisance

It's perfectly OK for you to say no. Especially if there are younger family members in the house.

That said, you don't have to be completely closed to the idea of meeting her.

Why can't he invite her round for tea to meet you and then she goes home? It sounds a bit like 'right, you've met my mum, now let's go fool around in my room.'

You could say yes, bring her round for a cuppa. I'd love to meet her. No, she can't stay. I'm not comfortable with you having sex in the house when your little sisters are here. I heard you in the bathroom. That wasn't OK and it crossed a line for me. These are my boundaries.

If he has an iota of self-awareness he will say, fair enough. He should realise you catch more flies with honey. He agrees to your terms and you might be more minded to welcome the gf in more frequently (if she sticks around).

If he pushes then yes, I agree, he is massively disrespectful to you and his girlfriend actually. Because he is taking the control away from her. If she heard what you had to say, (and he hadn't told her) how would she feel? Likely embarrassed and sorry she has disregarded your wishes.

It doesn't do any harm for young people to be accountable to someone - at this stage most likely their parents. It's good to remind them that not everyone thinks like they do, we have to live in harmony with our fellow house dwellers and people have boundaries.
Especially useful if that lesson is coming from someone who loves and cares about them.

There are two different things here.

1. The new girlfriend visiting.
2. His lack of effort around the house and minimal family interaction.

Whilst you need to find a way to improve the second point. This should not prevent his girlfriend from staying in his room.

Ask him if he would like to hear his mum going at it? No he wouldn’t so he needs to be quiet for the household. Start charging him rent and stop doing his washing and chores. He can contribute to house by making a meal etc.

It sounds like its just time for him to move out.

But it is to do with his father because you are allowing him, facilitating him to behave in the same way. So that’s good you’ve stepped to stop that. House rules in place

And your son’s girlfriend should not have your number - how on earth did she get that??

He's 21, not a child...you need to MYOB and let him be an adult. If you weren't trying to control his sex life he wouldn't be sneaking around in the bathroom.

This, focus on the real problem. Ask him to cook dinner on Mondays from now on, and that the list of things to do will be growing steadily since he’s an adult in the house.

Having read the update & comments I am just goggling about the fact that having three sexual partners in a year (three!) is seen as treating women as ‘commodities’ and a ‘knocking shop’.

And this young man actually asked his mother for advice! And has a job! And wants to introduce a woman to his mother!

But no, he’s a vile pig who needs to be disowned asap.

I feel really sorry for him - if this was a film it would be ‘how to lose your child in 14 days’.

Young people have sex! They make mistakes! They hook up with the wrong person! They get hurt & hurt others! They irritate their parents!

This is all kind of what being a parent is about. They’re not always cute little buttons in the Nativity Play you know.