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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ds21 and new “girlfriend”

181 replies

bluebot · 02/10/2025 08:07

Ds21 met a girl a couple of weeks ago and has seen her maybe 3/4 times.
Hes wanting to bring her home to meet me and sit in his room with her. Promises he wont do “anything”I’ve said no AIBU?

Bit of back story. All he does is live in his room when he’s not at work or out with friends. He does nothing in the house to help anyone. He has 2 younger sisters. He never really interacts with any of us, only when it suits him.
Hes had 2 girlfriends in the past year. One he was with for 6 months the other for 3 weeks. I feel he has no respect for the girls he sees. He always ends up falling in love (so he says) really quick then just leaves them and goes back to his mates when he’s bored.

This said girl he sneaked into the house last Saturday night and had sex with her in the bathroom whilst we were all in bed. I heard them!!
He sneaked her back out again the next morning. I was really angry, he’s only known her a week or so at that time.

I know DP (his step dad) won’t be happy about this. He doesn’t know about Saturday. He thinks ds treats the house like an hotel and comes and goes when he wants. Contributes nothing to the house and says if he wants to do what he pleases he should look at moving out. Apart from this they get on ok

So am I wrong for seeing no?

OP posts:
Floundering66 · 02/10/2025 17:27

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 16:27

In your shoes with a “horribly racist” dad, have marched by him without a backward glance and moved out as soon as I could @Floundering66

Show quote history

You’ve taken me by surprise there, I can’t even remember where I wrote that. But my point is, when you choose to live with your parents as a young adult you have to accept it’s their way or the door. I didn’t want to move out for financial reasons (In hindsight it might have been the making of me, I’m terrible with money) so I was friendly (especially to the man that paid the bills) did chores, paid keep etc.

Original poster
bluebot · 02/10/2025 17:06

Slimmernow · 02/10/2025 16:55

You don’t seem to be aware that you hold all the cards here.

You have agency and have many levers to pull - use of appliances, WiFi, food etc.

When mine were young and at home and had chores to be done I literally didn’t dish up their dinner until chores were done or shoes / bags moved from hallway etc.

Communicate:

  1. Task / expectations
  2. Deadline
  3. Consequence

Then just do it.

Edited

There isn’t much I can say. He doesn’t use wifi, he doesn’t need it, he just sits on his phone in his room. He doesn’t play Xbox or watch tv, just his phone.

I cant take his phone off him or take his car keys away. I’ve told him he needs to start helping out in the house and having respect for others and clean up after himself or he can find somewhere else to live. He will then just say ok then I will, I want to move out.

He would never be able to live alone due to not managing his money. He will get paid on a Friday and be asking to lend money off me come Monday. All he cares about is going out drinking, seeing his friends and meeting girls.

Then expects me to be happy to let these girls come to our house whenever he wants them to

OP posts:
Slimmernow · 02/10/2025 16:55

You don’t seem to be aware that you hold all the cards here.

You have agency and have many levers to pull - use of appliances, WiFi, food etc.

When mine were young and at home and had chores to be done I literally didn’t dish up their dinner until chores were done or shoes / bags moved from hallway etc.

Communicate:

  1. Task / expectations
  2. Deadline
  3. Consequence

Then just do it.

Slimmernow · 02/10/2025 16:51

bluebot · 02/10/2025 16:45

Yes I have and he doesn’t care. This is what I mean when I talk about respect for us all. He just doesn’t care.

He says he can’t help how he is, he’s awkward and has social anxiety. In his words. Yet I hear him on the phone to his friends all happy and jolly. It’s just with us

Show quote history

Then what consequences have you instigated for non cooperation?

Original poster
bluebot · 02/10/2025 16:45

Slimmernow · 02/10/2025 16:40

Have you asked him to remember to be polite and greet people briefly when he comes in and when he leaves.

My DS did this on his return from Uni - all wrapped up in his busy life - I mentioned that it could come across as hostile or rude and he was mortified and corrected himself.

Show quote history

Yes I have and he doesn’t care. This is what I mean when I talk about respect for us all. He just doesn’t care.

He says he can’t help how he is, he’s awkward and has social anxiety. In his words. Yet I hear him on the phone to his friends all happy and jolly. It’s just with us

OP posts:
Slimmernow · 02/10/2025 16:40

bluebot · 02/10/2025 15:46

He is close to them and loves them it’s just the fact he seems like he doesn’t care about anyone in the house except himself.

I don’t expect him to sit on the floor playing with them but a bit of interaction like. Have you had a nice day at school and whatever else

Show quote history

Have you asked him to remember to be polite and greet people briefly when he comes in and when he leaves.

My DS did this on his return from Uni - all wrapped up in his busy life - I mentioned that it could come across as hostile or rude and he was mortified and corrected himself.

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 16:29

bluebot · 02/10/2025 16:28

Exactly this. He will come in take his shoes off only speak if hes spoken to. Makes himself some good then take it straight to his room then stay there till he goes out later on. Sometimes he may say a quiet bye before he walks out of the door.

To me that’s rude and ignorant

Show quote history

When did this start happening?

Original poster
bluebot · 02/10/2025 16:28

Floundering66 · 02/10/2025 16:24

There’s not being interested and there’s being rude. I can’t imagine coming home from work and just bypassing the entire family and going to my room. I always went in, said hello, how was your day and then went up to get changed. This was with my mum, dad and sister. I would always come down and say goodnight before bed too, maybe we are the weird ones 😂

Show quote history

Exactly this. He will come in take his shoes off only speak if hes spoken to. Makes himself some good then take it straight to his room then stay there till he goes out later on. Sometimes he may say a quiet bye before he walks out of the door.

To me that’s rude and ignorant

OP posts:
Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 16:27

Floundering66 · 02/10/2025 16:24

There’s not being interested and there’s being rude. I can’t imagine coming home from work and just bypassing the entire family and going to my room. I always went in, said hello, how was your day and then went up to get changed. This was with my mum, dad and sister. I would always come down and say goodnight before bed too, maybe we are the weird ones 😂

Show quote history

In your shoes with a “horribly racist” dad, have marched by him without a backward glance and moved out as soon as I could @Floundering66

Floundering66 · 02/10/2025 16:24

VanCleefArpels · 02/10/2025 16:21

Were you interested in 8 year olds when you were 21? No, me neither (except if I was being paid to babysit!). You really are expecting too much of him OP. For now get the basics organised - he looks after his room, food and laundry and makes sure he keeps it down in the bedroom.

Show quote history

There’s not being interested and there’s being rude. I can’t imagine coming home from work and just bypassing the entire family and going to my room. I always went in, said hello, how was your day and then went up to get changed. This was with my mum, dad and sister. I would always come down and say goodnight before bed too, maybe we are the weird ones 😂

VanCleefArpels · 02/10/2025 16:21

bluebot · 02/10/2025 15:36

They are a lot younger than him, 8 and 7. Not that he ignores them but he will just come home from where he’s been no hellos to anyone just straight upstairs and then just leave when he goes out no goodbyes

We came back off holiday a few weeks ago. He never asked how it was or if we enjoyed it. Just did his usual thing and went out. I think that’s quite disrespectful and ignorant. Like we don’t matter to him and this house is just an hotel to him.
Yes we did ask if he wanted to come away with us but he’d just had an holiday with friends so wasn’t bothered

Show quote history

Were you interested in 8 year olds when you were 21? No, me neither (except if I was being paid to babysit!). You really are expecting too much of him OP. For now get the basics organised - he looks after his room, food and laundry and makes sure he keeps it down in the bedroom.

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 15:52

bluebot · 02/10/2025 15:46

He is close to them and loves them it’s just the fact he seems like he doesn’t care about anyone in the house except himself.

I don’t expect him to sit on the floor playing with them but a bit of interaction like. Have you had a nice day at school and whatever else

Show quote history

And that may come in time
but no need to force it

focus on respect and building up his involvement with family life in terms of chores. That needs to be priority. And hopefully your view of him will become more positive

Original poster
bluebot · 02/10/2025 15:46

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 15:42

He has two siblings that he was 13/14 when they were born and he’s their half brother. Don’t force it. He may get closer to them in time but you kicking up a stink about it will achiever the square root of zero

He is close to them and loves them it’s just the fact he seems like he doesn’t care about anyone in the house except himself.

I don’t expect him to sit on the floor playing with them but a bit of interaction like. Have you had a nice day at school and whatever else

OP posts:
Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 15:42

He has two siblings that he was 13/14 when they were born and he’s their half brother. Don’t force it. He may get closer to them in time but you kicking up a stink about it will achiever the square root of zero

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 15:40

Op

he is 21
he has been indulged all his life
he hasn’t been required to take on family chores and responsibilities

you can’t suddenly expect for him to change without you being in effort and being patient.

And as for the g/f situation - say that he keeps it down or you will just barge in. Turn on the light and tell her to get dressed and leave. Every single time. But he’s doing nothing wrong by having three girlfriends over the course of a year , and finishing with two of them.

Original poster
bluebot · 02/10/2025 15:36

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 15:20

the siblings he ignores…. How old? Children you’ve had with new partner?

They are a lot younger than him, 8 and 7. Not that he ignores them but he will just come home from where he’s been no hellos to anyone just straight upstairs and then just leave when he goes out no goodbyes

We came back off holiday a few weeks ago. He never asked how it was or if we enjoyed it. Just did his usual thing and went out. I think that’s quite disrespectful and ignorant. Like we don’t matter to him and this house is just an hotel to him.
Yes we did ask if he wanted to come away with us but he’d just had an holiday with friends so wasn’t bothered

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebot · 02/10/2025 15:32

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 15:19

There’s no “maybe” about it.

You were wrong. He has had two past girlfriends and a new one. Over a year. He has not been having one sniff stands.

what is the relationship like between your son and partner op?

Show quote history

Yes I was wrong. 3 of what I know of but that’s not my business.

They do get on but my partner and they were really close when he was younger. Now he is older they are not as close, dp does go on at him about stuff in the house. Like leaving lights on, moving dirty dishes, rinsing the showe out after using it that kind of stuff. DS does moan saying all he does is go on at him. Apart from that they are ok

OP posts:
Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 15:20

the siblings he ignores…. How old? Children you’ve had with new partner?

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 15:19

bluebot · 02/10/2025 15:11

Yes maybe I was wrong saying one night stands. Basically I just don’t want him thinking he can bring anyone round to the house just for sex for a few times then get rid of them. It’s our home not a sex parlour

Maybe my partner has got into my head thinking our house shouldn’t be used to have sex with causal girlfriends for everyone to hear

Show quote history

There’s no “maybe” about it.

You were wrong. He has had two past girlfriends and a new one. Over a year. He has not been having one sniff stands.

what is the relationship like between your son and partner op?

Original poster
bluebot · 02/10/2025 15:11

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 15:04

3 girls in one year

you say “one night stand” but that’s bollox

I think your partner, his step dad, has got right into your head and convinced you your son is a shitbag

Show quote history

Yes maybe I was wrong saying one night stands. Basically I just don’t want him thinking he can bring anyone round to the house just for sex for a few times then get rid of them. It’s our home not a sex parlour

Maybe my partner has got into my head thinking our house shouldn’t be used to have sex with causal girlfriends for everyone to hear

OP posts:
Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 15:04

bluebot · 02/10/2025 14:51

I don’t mind him bringing girlfriends home. He was in a long term relationship when he was 18 and she was at our house a lot and stayed over. I just don’t want him bringing every girl he meets home and thinking he can use the place as an hotel just to have sex.

Regarding helping in the house yes I know it’s my fault and I will sit down and talk to him about this. It’s really hard to talk to him, he acts like a spoilt child at times which I also know is my fault. Like I said he was my first and at the time I thought he was my only child. We went through a lot so I wrapped him in cotton wool.

3 girls in one year

you say “one night stand” but that’s bollox

I think your partner, his step dad, has got right into your head and convinced you your son is a shitbag

themerchentofvenus · 02/10/2025 14:57

He may be an adult but it sounds like you need to step up and play the parent role, and set some clear boundaries.

Make it very clear that the reason you're saying no at the moment is that firstly, they haven't been together long, and secondly his behaviour was utterly disrespectful by sneaking her in and making everyone listen to him shagging in the bathroom.

You then need to decide on some rules if he is living at home. Firstly, he should be contributing to bills and perhaps board too. Secondly, he should be helping round the house. Make your expectations very clear of what he should be doing.

It's your house and your rules. He is an adult and should consider renting a room.

Original poster
bluebot · 02/10/2025 14:51

I don’t mind him bringing girlfriends home. He was in a long term relationship when he was 18 and she was at our house a lot and stayed over. I just don’t want him bringing every girl he meets home and thinking he can use the place as an hotel just to have sex.

Regarding helping in the house yes I know it’s my fault and I will sit down and talk to him about this. It’s really hard to talk to him, he acts like a spoilt child at times which I also know is my fault. Like I said he was my first and at the time I thought he was my only child. We went through a lot so I wrapped him in cotton wool.

OP posts:
Sartre · 02/10/2025 13:48

Honestly, having sex in any communal area of your family home is just grim. His bedroom is the only respectful place to do this and he should keep noise to a minimum. He’s lazy and disrespectful but you’re also enabling this by not pushing him to change.

Snoopy1971 · 02/10/2025 13:44

You brought him up so why doesn’t he contribute to the home? Teach by example from an early age. Also at 21 he’s an adult with his own mind. As for the new ‘girlfriend’ - it takes 2 to tango. So he’d only known her a week before sneaking her in to have sex with her. She clearly was quite happy with that timeframe or she wouldn’t have been there.
At the end of the day it’s your house so your rules. That being said, if he doesn’t like them, he’s old enough to find his own place.