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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not telling your child they have autism and ADHD

39 replies

AuADHD · 02/10/2025 07:34

My own child is likely autistic and ADHD and knows he’s on the pathway to be assessed. He also knows that I have both autism and ADHD.
I was talking to a school mum last week who had her daughter diagnosed privately. She hasn’t told her the outcome of the assessments and the child didn’t know she was being assessed. Her daughter is very bright academically but significantly behind socially compared to peers and really struggles. Frequent meltdowns at school and cannot cope with a basic school trip for example and will miss out on the year 6 residential. She finds school very challenging. She’s 9. My son is 10 and will be going to high school next year. The school has a SEND class of 10 out of the 1500 other students. It’s a massive school compared to the primary they are currently at. Her daughter went to the open day and was totally overwhelmed. There is no guarantee she would get a place in the SEND class which has students from all years and doesn’t follow the curriculum but focuses on life skills and tries to integrate them into the main school. I suggested that the local and excellent SEND school that’s only open to those with an EHCP which her daughter has might be an option. I’ve known the family since the daughter was 3 and it was obvious then she was autistic. Her parents refused to even consider assessment or the possibility until she was 7. Her mum looked at me horrified at the suggestion of the SEND school and stated her daughter doesn’t know she has any additional needs and said she’s too bright to go to that school. My friends daughter went there after struggling at primary and excelled in her GCSEs. It has small classes and excellent resources. I’d be considering it for my son but he doesn’t have an EHCP.
Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it’s awful that a bright child who is upset by her struggles and asks why she’s not like other kids doesn’t know she’s autistic and has ADHD? My view might be influenced by being late diagnosed and struggling through school and life and not knowing. If I’d have known my life might have been very different. I just don’t see the value in keeping something so important a secret.
Hard hat on seeing as it’s AIBU!

OP posts:
Chickenintheoven · 02/10/2025 09:13

The labels that she and others will attach up her ‘weirdo’ ‘quirky’ ‘freak’ are far worse than the explanation of knowing ‘I am autistic. I have adhd’

the feelings of ‘failure’ at not fitting in with peers and socially are much better mitigated and understood when you know and accept how you tick,…

their child - their choice - but personally I feel you go a child a great disservice and set them up for far greater MH issues if you ton’s tell them their nd diagnosis and help them up embrace it fully as who they are…

sounds like a lot of denial and ignorance in this family - so many people still think specialist education is only for severely physical or severe intellectual impairment. When in reality some very very bright autistic children thrive in the right specialist provision when their sensory needs are met and their learning styles embraced, but will fail in mainstream not because of their intelligence levels but because it is too big and to inflexible to meet their needs.

Original poster
AuADHD · 02/10/2025 08:55

Sirzy · 02/10/2025 07:58

I find it hard to see how a child who has some understanding of things can go through the diagnosis process and be completely oblivious to what is going on!

I have always been open with DS (within his understanding) about his neurodiversity and his medical conditions. They are all part of what makes him him so he needs to understand as best as possible.

Exactly. My son would have asked so many questions and I don’t believe in lying. I can’t see how a child “too bright for a SEND school”Hmm can have been oblivious to the purpose of the long process. The assessor at my son’s first appointment explained to him what the next assessment involved and what they are actually assessing.

OP posts:
montston · 02/10/2025 08:52

As a late diagnosed adult I can honestly say knowing this information would have saved me a lot of trauma and abuse. That said, the knowledge wasn’t around when I was younger, this kid will surely put the pieces together before long.

Original poster
AuADHD · 02/10/2025 08:50

GoldenRosebee · 02/10/2025 08:18

You can't tell her instead of them, but I can't see they are doing right thing.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t dream of saying anything to her child.

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 02/10/2025 08:22

Yanbu. I told my son he had autism when he was old enough to see the difference between him & his peers. He goes to a sen school now and loves the fact hes autistic. Wouldnt dream of keeping it secret.

GoldenRosebee · 02/10/2025 08:18

AuADHD · 02/10/2025 07:48

Her Dd is actually asking why she’s struggling with things so much. It seems a disservice to me to not tell her the truth but yes, they know her best.

You can't tell her instead of them, but I can't see they are doing right thing.

stichguru · 02/10/2025 08:10

As someone with a disability (Cerebral Palsy, but very mild) I cannot fathom why you wouldn't tell your child they have a disability. I mean I guess it's vaguely possible that an autistic child wouldn't recognise they were different to their peers because their autism would prevent them seeing it? I knew when I was 2 and was very thankful that my parents begun to explain it to me in a child friendly way then. The differences between me and my peers have always been there. It I hadn't known why I could keep up I imagine I would have had a horrible life.

Sirzy · 02/10/2025 07:58

I find it hard to see how a child who has some understanding of things can go through the diagnosis process and be completely oblivious to what is going on!

I have always been open with DS (within his understanding) about his neurodiversity and his medical conditions. They are all part of what makes him him so he needs to understand as best as possible.

Sirzy · 02/10/2025 07:56

Soontobe60 · 02/10/2025 07:36

Why is a 9 year old going to an open day at a high school? She won’t be going for 2 years as she’ll only be in Y5 at the most currently.

It’s normal for parents to go to open evenings during year 5, especially in areas where there is a choice of schools. Open evenings are generally during September and October so waiting until year 6 doesn’t always give long before the deadline the end of October to decide.

autienotnaughty · 02/10/2025 07:55

My son was diagnosed at 3, we just always talked about it to normalise it. So he just knows he’s autistic and that’s fine. I think making it a secret or doing a big reveal would surely be more anxiety inducing for a child.

Original poster
AuADHD · 02/10/2025 07:48

Her Dd is actually asking why she’s struggling with things so much. It seems a disservice to me to not tell her the truth but yes, they know her best.

OP posts:
AnonSugar · 02/10/2025 07:48

I don’t think it’s your business.
my 10 year old son is on the waiting list for an autism assessment. He is not aware he might have autism nor that he will be assessed.

He’s quite happy in his own skin at the moment so I don’t know how to tell him that he’s a bit different to his friends. I don’t want him to think he’s odd or not normal.

So I’ll wait for the assessment and discuss with a professional how to tell him in the right way.

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 02/10/2025 07:40

Look, they know their daughter better than you. I'm not sure it's worth your headspace really.

They have done the responsible thing getting her assessed. How they handle it now depends really - they may have an approach they are looking to follow with their child.

I have AuDHD, late diagnosed like many women my age. Of course I wish I could have been assessed as a child or teen - life would have been so much clearer and less confusing. But I sometimes think that wish affects how I see ND young people now.

My own DD is showing some ND traits at 8. We have gently started the assessment process. What I have told her so far is that we will have an appointment so a doctor can learn more about how her brain works. That there are lots of different kinds of brains, and some are really good at one thing but need help with other things, and it's useful to have that information. That mum has a brain that's called autistic, which means I am very good at x, y and z but battle with a, b and c, and that it's useful to know that so I can practice those things or avoid them, depending.

Soontobe60 · 02/10/2025 07:36

Why is a 9 year old going to an open day at a high school? She won’t be going for 2 years as she’ll only be in Y5 at the most currently.