Diet restriction imposed by school and father

I'd be quite upset. Could you get around it by sending packed lunches? I do hot ones in winter.

Most of our schools vegan options are super processed fake meats or just a plain jacket potato. Not healthy at all.

The school has done nothing wrong. They have followed the instructions of the Dad who said she is vegan. This is untrue because she isn't. OP needs to contact the school and hope they deal sympathetically with this issue. Which is a parental one

Don’t be ridiculous

Who is the main carer for her or the resident parent ? If you then change it .

Coming out the other side of a perfectly normal happy teen who out of nowhere developed an ED I would be extremely wary of embedding the idea of cutting out food groups. Dd used the excuse of only eating “healthy” food to cut out swathes of food to dangerous effect. Can lead to unhealthy thinking. She can choose this when older once safe eating embedded.

Ask the school if they can change it to vegan on dads days and not on your days, shouldn’t be too hard to write down vegan Monday-Tuesday not vegan Wednesday-Friday or whatever!

Vegan can refer to food or people. All people can eat vegan food. Vegan people only eat vegan food.

It sounds like the father is vegan. The DD is not but she eats only vegan food when with him. This is all perfectly OK. He shouldn't have the right to dictate what options she has at school though, particularly given that she eats meat when with the DM. Perhaps the best compromise would be to encourage her to choose vegan on "dad's days?". I do feel for school finding themselves involved in this though.

This is a difficult one where parents don't agree. You need to speak to the school and the dad to get an agreement that everyone is aware of. It is incredibly awkward in school when you know one parent has said one thing but the other wants something else (as a TA I defer to teachers to deal with this and often it defaults to with what is on the system or phone calls home which makes it a bit more awkward for the child).

Lots of posters are saying mum can just change it, but if the dad also has parental responsibility and cares for the child 50:50 with the mum then I don't think it is that simple that his rights are ignored and I am sure it this was the other way round and it was mum saying the child was vegan and dad wanting to change this the responses would differ with everyone favouring the mum again.

How frustrating.
If he really isn't going to budge on this one and will make life difficult, I'd do her a non vegan packed lunch on my days instead of asking him to do a vegan one on his. Yes, it's bloody annoying.

Schools love it when they are put in the middle of a parental dispute. It’s utterly the school’s job and they have nothing else to do apart from mediate between warring adults.
Certainly don’t go through the courts, if needed, to sort this formally. School is the deciding authority on all things.

She doesn’t need the waste the schools time having a meeting over this. They followed the instructions of a person who has parental responsibility and is able to make that decision.

It's not a matter of OP making a decision, though. The simple fact is that this child is not vegan. She is perfectly happy to eat meat.

And then next time Dad is dropping off he goes in and tells the school to change it back to vegan. Which he has the right to do because of PR. It really isn't a case of what mum says goes.

I would arrange a meeting with the school and highlight your concerns.

He has railroaded his preferences on her diet and overridden your desires, which I think is a huge red flag for a need to control

and probably part of the reason your relationship broke down.

Id want the school to know your daughter has no allergies and that a Vegan option is the preferred option for her dad and not her and seeing that he is not eating the meal you would like your daughter to be able to eat from the whole menu and make her own choices.

Id love to see how they push back from that very reasonable request. Report back please.

I don't blame you for being upset over this.
Your child clearly isn't vegan as she happily eats meat when she is with you. Her dad is forcing his choice on her diet onto all of her school meals.
Do please contact the school and put them right about this.
He can feed her vegan food when she is with him.
If she wants to become vegan when she's older then that's up to her.

I struggled with a similar scenario when my ex met his new partner and my son was 5, he also tried to convince me to change my diet. I didn’t budge and continued as normal, he never informed the school but if he had of done I would have changed it back to a normal diet with them too.

Exactly but I guess it’s because it the father has given the instruction. TBH I don’t see the issue. If the child is spending 50% of her time with dad she must having vegan food at home with him also.

I take your point. That's why OP needs to speak to her ex about it. But ultimately the child isn't vegan. She might follow the 'rules' at age 4 but by the time she's 7/8 she won't be.

When parents are separated each parent has the choice of how they parent on their time. Ideally they will agree, but if they don't, they get to do what they think is right during their time. So an atheist parent can tell the child they don't believe in god or give the child pork or whatever, and the religious parent can take them to church/mosque and restrict pork or whatever they think is right. This isn't a vegan couple, it's one vegan and one not, who aren't in a relationship and are making their own choices.

Go to the school reception and say there is a mistake on her file and get it changed this morning.

But why should the school take mums's instructions over dad's? Both parents have PR and 50/50 care.

Whether or not it's ok to raise children vegan isn't the issue of this thread. Derailing it is unhelpful.

Look, I'm vegan, raised my child vegetarian with agreement from his father even after we split. I support raising children vegetarian or vegan if both parents agree. But in this case the mother isn't insisting the child should eat meat at school, she's saying the child should have a choice, because she's NOT vegan, she eats meat with her mum. Neither parent should be restricting the child's food choices at school whether that's saying no meat or only meat. But the mother isn't saying only meat is she?

Please sort this out with your child's father.

The school can't win here and can't please you both.

I'd suggest the compromise to dad of a vegan diet on Dad days and non vegan mum days. If dad disagrees, then have the same conversation with school.

You'll come across as reasonable and he'll look like a dick.

Change it to sweets? 😂 How on earth is that comparable?

A vegan diet lacks essential nutrients needed for a child of that age. Ask any health professional which one is healthier for a 4 year old. A balanced diet including meat and dairy or a vegan diet lacking in nutrients. I’m fairly sure a judge is not going to force OP to swap to an unhealthy diet especially when the child eats and enjoys meat.

My grandma was forced to be a vegan as a child and has had life long problems with osteoporosis. The consultant confirmed this was most likely down to a lack of calcium as a child.