Diet restriction imposed by school and father

I have been in this position, my 2 children ate meat at my house, but their father became a vegan and insisted they were also a vegan at school and at his. The children then aged 4 and 5, lived with me and saw their father a couple of times a week. Yes it was very confusing for them, but I think it was confusing mainly due to his intentions rather than what they ate. Eg he was doing this for control (part of a much bigger picture). He would tell them how nasty i was for not being a vegan and graffic information about what happens to the animals etc etc. That was the bit that was harmful and confusing.
Bear in mind you both have the children 50% of the time, and you both i guess have PR? Then he has as much right to say she's a vegan as you don't! The school have also done nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with being a vegan, if thats what you choose, it's just not your preference.
First of all is this part of a much bigger issue? For me it was and that made a massive difference? Can you arrange a meeting with him or go to mediation? If no, then I would just explain to the child that thats just what happens at daddies and at school but at your house things are different and you do eat meet.
My children (now at secondary school) have long long ago gone back to eating some meet, but have never been hugely keen.

I’ve a little more time to come back to this now.

Unless there is a court order one parent doesn’t get to dictate overall dietary decisions over the other parent. Particularly if they are dictating a restrictive diet with no medical reason.

I promise you all schools want to know if there are co-parenting disputes that could affect the emotional or physical wellbeing of a child under their care. It can show a pattern of behaviour that down the line could help build a picture of an unhealthy or damaging dynamic, so if and when you went back to court having paperwork to support your claims of say - coercive control, supporting paperwork would be beneficial.

As an aside from what I’ve witnessed a vegan lunch is often a bought-in UPF with veggie sides so if the father is thinking this is a healthier lunch than a meatball in tomato sauce for example, he is mistaken.

Good Luck!

Surely if OP doesn’t need a court order to change the info to non-vegan, the father wouldn’t need one to change it back? There’s no reason the school must listen to OP, but can only listen to the father if he has a court order

I agree with the theory that it should be the child’s choice, but that isn’t the view the school would take if two vegan parents said their child was vegan but the child wanted the meat option. They presumably aren’t going to give more weight to OP’s view of choice over the father’s view of wanting her to have vegan food.

I think rationally it makes sense to let the child decide each day what they want, like the other children do. I just disagree with the idea that the school will just follow OP’s wishes and agree to refuse to follow the father’s.

But I will say that I don’t think all of OP’s fears are valid. She won’t be singled out, the children are all picking different things and some will bring in packed lunch. No one will look at one meal and think “weird, why is she having that, she’s strange”. Plus other children may incidentally end up with a vegan option because the main option is vegan - tomato pasta, jacket potato with beans etc. This isn’t unusual at my DD’s school. So she won’t always be eating something different. And there may be other children who are vegan, or who have the vegan option because it’s halal or kosher.
And OP’s desire for her child to have choice doesn’t seem to extend to home, where she does not want her child to say “I don’t want to eat meat”.

Tricky. Not sure how it can be resolved-ideally you should both have an equal say but that’s not possible, obviously. Could he give her a vegan packed lunch on “his” days?

Even if that were universally true (which it is not, in the modern world it is possible to be a healthy vegan right from weaning* with sufficient care), this child won't be missing any 'essential nutrients' as the mum can feed her whatever she wants to at her house. Eating vegan lunches wouldn't give her a vegan dietary profile overall - and at primary school the vegan school dinner is likely to frequently be jacket potato and baked beans with cucumber/carrot, which loads of the children choose every day anyway.

*or birth depending if you consider milk given voluntarily by a human to be vegan.

Email to school ‘Please add a note on my daughter’s record for your information: Father wishes her to be classed as vegan however she does eat chicken, beef, fish, lamb, pork, cheese, drink milk and eat eggs at Mother’s house (50% residency). Therefore, she has never been vegan and has a preference for x y and z at Mother’s house.

List the foods you give her and her preferences at this time.

I dunno, if he’s unilaterally messaged the school like this I wonder if outlining to him that he can’t expect to do that going forward, and that OP is aware of the mechanisms she can use to advocate for her own PR might be helpful- he’s obviously not taken a conciliatory approach himself and I wonder if there may be other issues going forward they might need to agree on- setting the precedent he can force things through might store up issues for later

Write politely to the school and point out she eats meat and lists it among her favorite dishes. I would state I do not want my child to have a restricted diet. Check the school guidelines to see if there are any rules to follow.

Anything in the custody agreement that outlines how this sort of disagreement should be resolved.

If she is on a vegan diet is it broad enough/does she have supplements. If she is being fed things along the lines of pizzas with vegan cheese there will be a large gap in nutrition.

People are actually like this.

Whilst I agree this should have been discussed between both parents, some people's attitudes towards meat free diets are unhinged.

Or just take a more conciliatory approach and tell her (and your ex) that ok she’s vegan at school and with him but eats meat at home. I can’t see that is confusing for her? I think taking a ballistic line wuth ex and school will make matters worse, frankly. Vegan is perfectly healthy 🤷🏻‍♀️ But if you want to make a big hoo-ha then that is your right, as these decisions should be agreed between co-parents not unilaterally decided.

Yes I initially suggested talking to dad, and then going to mediation with court as the ultimate backstop

For those making this about ‘is veganism valid’- that’s not really the question.

If my husband rang the school to say my kids are no longer vegetarian so please let them select meat options I’d be in the same position.

Alert the school to the disagreement and ask them to honour historic precedent while you either reach an agreement or a court makes the decision for you (likely taking historic diet into account). He can still send her a vegan packed lunch in the interim, nothing stopping him doing that.

It isn’t the school that is the problem here. It’s dad! School are doing what they think parents want!

But asking the court to get involved in this decision is like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. The family court system is awful. It should be avoided if possible.

The school records would also show she formerly ate meat. Stepping away from what mum or dad says there would be an objective record to base the decision on

Safeguarding and social services? Are you high?!

The court would seek to uphold the status quo. The status quo is that the child isn't vegan. Ordering the school to treat her as if she is when she eats meat with mum would be incoherent and overstepping the authority of the court.

Our school will ring to check which was helpful the time I assumed the moussaka would be vegetarian and it wasn’t. Mine are recorded as veggy on their school records though (with the prior consent of all with PR)

I don’t understand why a school that allows children to choose a meal in the morning is then telling a child they can’t have what they have chosen. For context, at home my children were/are vegetarian. From nursery they had the option to choose what they wanted outside the home.

You need to remind Dad you haven’t agreed this and would like to discuss.

Simultaneously you can ask the school’s records be corrected while you come to an agreement.

If he can’t agree you can request mediation and ultimately apply for a specific issues order through the court relating to her diet. Noting she’s been historically raised omnivorous and you’d like her to reach the age where she can make an informed choice.

I’m a vegetarian with vegetarian children but can see he’s game playing

Email this to the HT and ask for a meeting too.
Safeguarding absolutely need to be told, perhaps SS too.
She is very small and he sounds unhinged.

Send packed lunches - sorts out the issue immediately.

Why do you assume they would side over the father?

why would you complain to the school? It’s not their fault! They are following what has been written on a form 🤷‍♀️. I completely agree OP should tell the school but complain?! Jesus

Yes! OP, please, do this!