Diet restriction imposed by school and father

I had a friend whose ex decided their 1 year old was vegan (after splitting up with the mum). It was just a way to control and berate the mum and the child.
He wasn't even vegan (was a total knob though..)

At 4 years old???

She knows nothing about nutrition.

The world has gone mad.

What’s your relationship like with her father? Could a compromise be reached on vegetarian option at school on his days? I know that isn’t the same as veganism but she wouldn’t get meat, but would get calcium from milk, cheese etc.

I don’t agree and both parents certainly don’t agree in this example.

Independence and confidence are seeded in choice whilst guided by a loving adult. That might be choices in clothing, food, hair styles and toys. That’s literally how we become individuals. Deciding that school-age children have no ability to choose is nonsense.

Well the obvious solution is to tell the school that she's not vegan. Dad can choose to feed her vegan food when she is with him but he doesn't get to dictate what she's fed at nursery when her coparent wants her to be able to eat meat. I think it's really unfair to drag the nursery into petty arguments between you and your ex as well. Give the nursery chance at least to rectify the situation. If they continue to insist on giving her a vegan only diet then you have grounds to complain but this is a dispute between you and your ex not a failing of the nursery

If both parents agree she should be vegan/vegetarian/pork free and she's 4 years old then no, she shouldn't be offered the choice. She's not old enough to make her own decisions at 4.

That’s because you are not using dietary restriction as a control mechanism as you are not abusive.

My instinct is the father is utilising his dominance over this matter as a weapon and I’m sure it will happen in many other areas as the child grows older. The mother may not feel strong enough to fight constantly which is why keeping documentation is vital.

Agreed.

I would request a meeting with the head find out the schools position and go from there.

This is a classic example of why 50/50 parenting doesn’t work if the parents do not get on. That poor little girl is having two completely different up bringings with zero consistency and this is what the courts are telling us is good for children. It’s insanity.

You would be unreasonable to let this continue, you say he will accuse you of being hostile or bad co-parenting if you don't go along with this but isn't that what he's doing by imposing his wants on your child? This isn't a healthy co-parenting set up anyway if you are being steamrollered over.

I will add, I'm vegan myself but my boys are all free to choose what they eat (within healthy limits obviously, not haribo lunch) I don't agree with children being blocked from trying different foods or experiences.

Actually I think veganism or vegetarianism is on par with religion, so that’s an excellent example.

Oh, and the world is full of children growing up happy and healthy on a vegan diet….

The problem with that is the father will quiz the daughter when she is at his house and write a stern letter to the school demanding to know why his vegan daughter was allowed to eat meat. This has to be tackled with a meeting and discussed very carefully.

it might be as a PP suggested that the mother sends the daughter in with her favourite packed lunch on days where she drops off and allows the father to dictate school dinners. It’s really important that the school knows what’s going on though or else well meaning staff will interfere with the packed lunch and prevent the child from eating it.

She’s 4! She does not have a choice about her diet. Obviously she has some choice about likes and dislikes. But not about what sort of diet she follows. Unless you’re going to say that 4 year olds have a choice about kosher or halal or whether they eat sugar….

The school need to advise because presumably both parents are entitled to request certain meals. Lay out the problem and ask what they suggest (obviously in a way that is asking for help rather than complaining as the school aren’t doing anything wrong). You can’t have a situation where you are both changing the child’s status daily because you are both entitled to do so. The ideal would be to let the child choose but probably the father can override that and he sounds like he would.
I think the fact that the child doesn’t eat an 100% vegan diet is a red herring. A request that a child be served vegan food only at school is not an assertion that a child eats that way all the time and any parent could request this for any reason.

Asking a 4yo to choose on a binary issue they know their parents disagree on is never going to be in their interests.

Ideally parents would co-parent co-operatives with space for the child’s voice but we are now beyond that

Have you actually spoken to the school? Just tell them she isn’t vegan. You are being a bit of a wet fish trying to dance around him and suggest all these alternatives. Just speak to the safeguarding lead, say she isn’t vegan, eats meat at home, and needs free choice of meals for her school dinners.

Would you consider the child to have a choice?

No, she can't persuade the school to agree with her. Parents are allowed to make decisions about their child's diet. The issue is here that the parents don't agree, not which parent is right.

This is the objective information you and the child’s father need.

School and local authority staff must treat all parents equally, unless a court order limits a parent’s ability to make educational decisions, participate in school life or receive information about their child. In most circumstances, the question a school must ask itself when making decisions is not just whether a parent holds parental responsibility but whether they are a parent under education law.
All parents also have legal obligations under section 7 of the Education Act 1996 – for example, to ensure that a child of compulsory school age receives a suitable full-time education.
If a parent’s action or proposed action contravenes the school’s ability to act in the child’s best interests, the school should try to resolve the problem with the parent but avoid becoming involved in any conflict. However, there may be occasions when a school needs to decline requests for action from one or more parents.
In cases where schools cannot resolve the conflict between separated parents, they should advise the aggrieved parent to pursue the matter through the family court.

If this can't be resolved you will need to go to court.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility/understanding-and-dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility

A vegan diet is not usually healthy for a growing and developing child because it often misses some essential nutrients. If you do a bit of research on this and present it to the school it may help you to convince school staff that she should be allowed to make her own choices and they are wrong to be forcing her to choose vegan food only.

It's not comparable to an allergy because eating food you are allergic to could have serious health consequences. Being vegan is a lifestyle choice. And it's not a lifestyle choice the OP or her daughter have made.

Exactly. That post was confusing. So the omnivore has no right over the vegan to claim authority and yet the vegan won out at school. Why?

Then he has as much right to say she's a vegan as you don't!

He can say she's a vegan all he likes, but he's wrong, because she isn't! He doesn't have the right to insist she is vegan because they share care.