Diet restriction imposed by school and father

Ive worked in the family courts for over 20 years, private and public law

The court would support father in his own home to choose the diet he gives her (if legal and safe of course), but given the child is asking for and has eaten a non vegan diet at school before and is now quite confused about why she cant have this or that, a court would support that she is not considered 'vegan' at school.

Go and ask a paediatrician which is more appropriate for a 4 year old child. 😴A vegan diet or a healthy balanced diet including meat.

For the record, I’m a vegetarian and one of my children has a dairy/egg allergy. I would never force my beliefs onto my dc and limit their diet apart from allergies.

I didn't say it wasn't possible. I said OP is better off staying away from the family court, which I will stand by 1000%. I've never experienced it as a litigant but I've been involved in a professional capacity hundreds of times. Mumsnetters are so quick to recommend family court and I don't think anyone who's actually done it would recommend it. And over whether a child gets offered meat options in her school lunches? Absolute madness.

I know of a family member with a specific issue order for very similar things so yes, it is possible.

Again, your child is not vegan. There is no such thing as a vegan child, or a vegan cat. Your child eats meat and dairy happily and will continue to do so, and you will continue to feed her those things. She may choose to become vegan when she is much older, but for now it's just not a thing.

Your husband can choose to feed her vegan food but he has no say at all in what happens when he is not there. Be extremely clear with the school that your child is NOT vegan and must NOT be restricted in her diet.

I'd assume you have no experience of the family court to give that advice. OP it may stick in your craw but you're better off letting her stay vegan at school than applying to court over this. She'll be old enough to assert her own wishes at school soon enough.

I’d let the courts decide, quite simply. This is very controlling from your ex, but I’d guess this is nothing new.

I think assuming the dad is controlling his child by insisting she's vegan at school, and also controlling the mum, is quite a stretch. Parents make decisions about what their children can do, including what they can eat, all the time. It may be that he is a principled vegan and this is important to him.

There are some brands I don't buy because of my ethics, and I won't buy them for my children. If they get given them by someone else they think they're getting away with something and it delights them.

The ideal would be for the parents to come to an agreement based on what is going to enable the child to have a good balanced diet at school. However, this quite often is very difficult for separated parents if one or both are difficult. In that case, the school will presumably have a policy - pps have said it's to default to the standard.

Children can cope with different rules - you can say 'at Daddy's house you eat vegan food, at my house we eat milk and meat as well'.

It's more likely than the suggestions that he's arsehole, he's not even vegan, he's only doing this to exert control and even that he's an abuser on the level of Daniel Pelka's parents...
I am vegetarian and raised my DC vegetarian. It was important to me and my ex knew that before we had a baby. Thankfully he didn't disagree with that decision after we split. I empathise with this father who most likely wants what he believes is best for the DD. That doesn't mean I agree his behaviour is correct, it's not. But ascribing him all the terrible motivations on this thread with no evidence is bizarre. Not all fathers are abusive arseholes.

It’s important if posters persist in displaying ignorance about veganism. Encouraging the OP to tell the school that a vegan diet will be dangerous for the child will not help her case and will just make her look silly.

That's quite a presumption.

Daniel Pelka was neglected to death by abusive parents. This guy is a man who presumably believes being vegan is the best thing for his DD and wants her to eat vegan food where he has control over the situation. In this case he's overstepped by saying she needs to be vegan at school as that's a decision that needs to be agreed between both parents but nothing actually indicates he's abusive, neglectful, controlling or in any way harming his DD. He's just behaving in a high handed way in relation to the OP, and she needs to deal with it accordingly.

Sounds to me like he is a level 1 arsehole that needs to get in the bin. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t even vegan himself but using your child to get at you. He’s clearly trying to be controlling and you need say that.

You think? That a parent will weaponise his child's food choices to give himself a feeling of control, says it all.

WTF? Feeding your child a vegan diet isn't the same as starving them to death. Fucking stupid comment.

No it isnt for the school to manage all this and work out what lifestyles and choices are norms for some families

They had a parent with PR tell them about their daughter's needs. Thats all they know, thats all they need to know

If OP doesnt agree and he wont agree she needs to sort it out with the courts, not badger the school and make them some sort of mediation or fixing service for the dispute with her ex

But it is. Because vegan isn't a name, it's a thing you do. And in her time with the DD she allows her to eat meat. Therefore the DD is not vegan, whether her father wants her to be and only gives her vegan food during his time or not. Nobody can compel the OP to only give the child vegan food, therefore the OP is the one who decides if the child is vegan or not. And she's not.

@ByMauveEagle so a young child is not allowed to drink cows milk or eat eggs?? god help the wee soul! vegan diets are bad for a kid of this age

Remind the school of the case of Daniel Pelka.

Then inform them that your child is not vegan, has never been vegan and should be encouraged to make her own food choices, free from control.

But the OP can't say her daughter is not vegan because that isn't soley her choice.

Is the ex a vegan because that is fairly important?

Can you send a couple of sausages in for a break snack?

I can see the school is in a difficult position when parents disagree. Maybe a letter saying she is an omnivore but her father (I assume) is vegan but you believe it should be up to the child to choose.

You could possibly raise a safeguarding issue of coercive control. Controlling what you eat is listed as an example, and he is also trying to coercively control you by depriving you of independence to choose what your child eats at school.

This ^

Please do not expect the school to manage a parental dispute. They have better things to do.

I'd speak to the school and say "Dad's vegan, I'm not and neither is DD. I want her to decide what she wants to eat wether thats, meat, vegetarian or vegan", ultimately it should be up to her what she picks for her school lunch fair enough it's Dad's choice what she eats at his house as I'd not expect a vegan to prepare meat or dairy but he shouldn't be preventing her having foods she likes at school just because he doesn't agree with her having them.

Is this an issue of principle or concern about the control? Is he controlling in other ways? If it's just a principle issue, then I'd let the vegan lunch go and make sure she has really good animal protein on the other meals. If it's a control issue, you need to get that dealt with and school dinners isn't the biggest worry.