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Original poster

Diet restriction imposed by school and father

266 replies

ByMauveEagle · 01/10/2025 23:30

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/10/2025 07:45

Woompund · 03/10/2025 03:40

Yes, and parents are allowed to restrict their children's diets. Schools have to follow parents' wishes not children's.

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Why does the vote of one man trump the votes of one woman and one child (the person who will actually be eating the meal)?

CurlewKate · 03/10/2025 07:45

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/10/2025 07:43

4 year olds are very capable of expressing an opinion about what they do and don't want to eat.

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Of course. But would you say a school had the right to give a Jewish child a ham sandwich because she asked for one?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/10/2025 07:43

CurlewKate · 03/10/2025 04:58

The child is 4 years old!

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4 year olds are very capable of expressing an opinion about what they do and don't want to eat.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/10/2025 07:41

@ByMauveEagle Are there likely to be any court proceedings coming up about contact arrangements and so on? If there are you can ask the judge to make a decision about this.

I have a friend whose daughter couldn't be vaccinated even though he wanted her to be, because her mum had told the GP she didn't consent to vaccinations. He ended up going to court and getting a specific issues order so that he could take her to the GP and get her vaccinated, overriding his ex wife's decision.

This isn't quite the same because your daughter isn't at risk of serious illness or death if she eats vegan school lunches. But I don't see why you, your daughter and the school should be forced to dance to his tune about vegan school lunches when she's not vegan and wants to eat the meat option.

CurlewKate · 03/10/2025 04:58

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2025 22:30

Can I hear myself? These aren't HER wishes, they are her child's. Her child WANTS to eat meat. Of course she can make a complaint. The school could try asking the CHILD what they want to eat.

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The child is 4 years old!

Woompund · 03/10/2025 03:40

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2025 22:38

Besides @Woompund this isn't a simple case of "wishes", by the school siding with dad, they are imposing a dietary RESTRICTION. The school should not be taking sides, and should ask the child what her preference is. Besides, school meals are NOT free throughout the UK. Even still, the OP can still send her child in with packed lunches on the days she takes her to school.

@ByMauveEagle I'm wondering if your GP/HV/nurse practitioner could help with this at all?

Show quote history

Yes, and parents are allowed to restrict their children's diets. Schools have to follow parents' wishes not children's.

Woompund · 03/10/2025 03:39

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2025 22:30

Can I hear myself? These aren't HER wishes, they are her child's. Her child WANTS to eat meat. Of course she can make a complaint. The school could try asking the CHILD what they want to eat.

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Schools don't defer to children on issues like this when the child is 4 years old.

LoftyRobin · 03/10/2025 03:32

I've put that you are being unreasonable because it seems like this is all based around the fact that you want to reduce the chances of your daughter becoming vegan in a similar way to her dad wanting to increase the chances.

She isn't currently choosing plant based meals only, but you don't want her to start. And it is inconvenient when your child has a specialised diet that doesn't match the rest of the family so I get your incentive, I just think that is your main motivation.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2025 22:38

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2025 22:30

Can I hear myself? These aren't HER wishes, they are her child's. Her child WANTS to eat meat. Of course she can make a complaint. The school could try asking the CHILD what they want to eat.

Show quote history

Besides @Woompund this isn't a simple case of "wishes", by the school siding with dad, they are imposing a dietary RESTRICTION. The school should not be taking sides, and should ask the child what her preference is. Besides, school meals are NOT free throughout the UK. Even still, the OP can still send her child in with packed lunches on the days she takes her to school.

@ByMauveEagle I'm wondering if your GP/HV/nurse practitioner could help with this at all?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2025 22:30

Woompund · 02/10/2025 22:03

School dinners are free in reception. And how can she make a complaint that the school won't prioritise her wishes above the father's? Can you hear yourself?

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Can I hear myself? These aren't HER wishes, they are her child's. Her child WANTS to eat meat. Of course she can make a complaint. The school could try asking the CHILD what they want to eat.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/10/2025 22:23

@ByMauveEagle Have I missed it OP? is your ex vegan or is he just pushing this on your daughter to be difficult?

Woompund · 02/10/2025 22:03

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2025 21:52

If I was paying for the school meals and they continually refused her meat/dairy despite me repeatedly telling them she was not vegan. Then I'd stop paying for the school meals and send her with a packed lunch. Chicken and cheese sandwiches or whatever. Honestly, the school have no right to disregard you on this. That poor child, just wants some food she likes and they deny her it. The poor love may end up with food issues if they carry on like this. If the school continue to disregard you on this, make a complaint.

School dinners are free in reception. And how can she make a complaint that the school won't prioritise her wishes above the father's? Can you hear yourself?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2025 21:52

If I was paying for the school meals and they continually refused her meat/dairy despite me repeatedly telling them she was not vegan. Then I'd stop paying for the school meals and send her with a packed lunch. Chicken and cheese sandwiches or whatever. Honestly, the school have no right to disregard you on this. That poor child, just wants some food she likes and they deny her it. The poor love may end up with food issues if they carry on like this. If the school continue to disregard you on this, make a complaint.

Woompund · 02/10/2025 19:13

mummymissessunshine · 02/10/2025 17:59

OP - please speak to school
child is clearly NOT vegan by choice and therefore should Nott be listed as vegan at school.

if it was me I would just change it very matter of factly. Email the caterer (or fill the form - whatever your school need) and advise them there has been a mistake and X is not vegan. Therefor all dietary restrictions should be removed from their records.

then follow up with head / safeguarding and form teacher to confirm you have requested an update to the caterer record and request they update their school record.

then speak separately to safeguardinf about your concerns that the Father is trying to control this and school should not enable him.

explain to them child is not vegan. Has never been vegan. You are happy for her to follow dad’s dietary choices when she is with him but when she is at school she should be allowed to be an ordinary meat eating 4yo with no restrictions.

best of luck with it. Be matter of fact. Be polite. Be consistent. Be prepared to repeat the facts several times. Reiterate In person and in writing. Advocate for your child.

no need to tackle dad head on. This is a good choice your child is allowed and you can empower her to make.

speak separately to safeguardinf about your concerns that the Father is trying to control this and school should not enable him

this is fuck all to do with safeguarding!

Hankunamatata · 02/10/2025 18:42

Send her pack lunch on your days of none vegan food

Snorlaxo · 02/10/2025 18:39

The school isn’t unreasonable to assume that dd is vegan since a parent has told them that. They follow the parent’s instructions because of basic respect, not wanting lawsuits and the fact that some children follow a vegan diet for medical reasons like allergies. They aren’t bothered if dd is vegan or not- they just don’t want complaints.

Tell the school that DD’s dad is vegan but Dd is not and she can choose whatever meal she fancies.

This is going to be an argument that will continue for years. I think it’s a matter of time before Dd is told about his views on meat and that you’re a bad mum for cooking it etc. Don’t be scared of that- he is clearly the type to use threats and fear to get his own way.

helpfulperson · 02/10/2025 18:25

mummymissessunshine · 02/10/2025 17:59

OP - please speak to school
child is clearly NOT vegan by choice and therefore should Nott be listed as vegan at school.

if it was me I would just change it very matter of factly. Email the caterer (or fill the form - whatever your school need) and advise them there has been a mistake and X is not vegan. Therefor all dietary restrictions should be removed from their records.

then follow up with head / safeguarding and form teacher to confirm you have requested an update to the caterer record and request they update their school record.

then speak separately to safeguardinf about your concerns that the Father is trying to control this and school should not enable him.

explain to them child is not vegan. Has never been vegan. You are happy for her to follow dad’s dietary choices when she is with him but when she is at school she should be allowed to be an ordinary meat eating 4yo with no restrictions.

best of luck with it. Be matter of fact. Be polite. Be consistent. Be prepared to repeat the facts several times. Reiterate In person and in writing. Advocate for your child.

no need to tackle dad head on. This is a good choice your child is allowed and you can empower her to make.

And then as soon as Dad finds out he explains to school actually he wants child to be vegan so please change it back. And as he has PR's they have to.

mummymissessunshine · 02/10/2025 17:59

OP - please speak to school
child is clearly NOT vegan by choice and therefore should Nott be listed as vegan at school.

if it was me I would just change it very matter of factly. Email the caterer (or fill the form - whatever your school need) and advise them there has been a mistake and X is not vegan. Therefor all dietary restrictions should be removed from their records.

then follow up with head / safeguarding and form teacher to confirm you have requested an update to the caterer record and request they update their school record.

then speak separately to safeguardinf about your concerns that the Father is trying to control this and school should not enable him.

explain to them child is not vegan. Has never been vegan. You are happy for her to follow dad’s dietary choices when she is with him but when she is at school she should be allowed to be an ordinary meat eating 4yo with no restrictions.

best of luck with it. Be matter of fact. Be polite. Be consistent. Be prepared to repeat the facts several times. Reiterate In person and in writing. Advocate for your child.

no need to tackle dad head on. This is a good choice your child is allowed and you can empower her to make.

Original poster
ByMauveEagle · 02/10/2025 17:03

Our daughter will not be allowed to choose her own meat-based options at any age as long as this label is held on her file. Even when she is 12 years old say. It is treated like an allergy even though it is not. The school are incredibly strict on this.

Some are a little confused, of course I advocate her father choosing to cook whatever he likes in his home. I am not trying to dictate that in any way. I want our daughter to have free choice (at least on half the days at school).

OP posts:
Namerequired · 02/10/2025 14:57

NaiceBalonz · 02/10/2025 07:25

I don't know why everyone here carping on about "he doesn't have the right" doesn't understand that if he doesn't have the right to unilaterally decide she's vegan then OP doesn't have the unilateral right to decide she isn't.

He’s trying to unilaterally decide she doesn’t eat meat, except she does, he can’t control that. Her mum isn’t trying to say she has to eat meat either at school or her father’s home, she has no issue with her eating vegan at her father’s and just wants her to have a choice of either at school. That seems reasonable to me.
Op talk to the school and explain the situation. Tell them she is not vegan and while you have no issue if she chooses the vegan option, you also want her to be able to choose meat, dairy etc if she wants.

soupyspoon · 02/10/2025 14:47

Woompund · 02/10/2025 14:36

Yes, I know, and I said that way up thread. But if you've worked in private family law and seen what the experience is like for parents would you recommend OP puts herself through it over this issue?

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Yes, she needs a CAO and possibly to deal with this as a specific issue if he gets arsey about it and wont agree.

CinnamonBuns67 · 02/10/2025 14:41

helpfulperson · 02/10/2025 13:09

But the OP can't say her daughter is not vegan because that isn't soley her choice.

Is the ex a vegan because that is fairly important?

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Your right it isn't solely OP's choice nor her ex's, it's the childs choice. The child is not a vegan as the child wants to eat meat and dairy. If OP was saying the child did not want to eat meat but OP really wanted child to eat meat at school and the school was not allowing the child access to the vegetarian/vegan options I'd still be saying that's wrong and child should get to decide what they want to eat.

Woompund · 02/10/2025 14:36

soupyspoon · 02/10/2025 14:31

Ive worked in the family courts for over 20 years, private and public law

The court would support father in his own home to choose the diet he gives her (if legal and safe of course), but given the child is asking for and has eaten a non vegan diet at school before and is now quite confused about why she cant have this or that, a court would support that she is not considered 'vegan' at school.

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Yes, I know, and I said that way up thread. But if you've worked in private family law and seen what the experience is like for parents would you recommend OP puts herself through it over this issue?

thelakeisle1 · 02/10/2025 14:34

UnicornLand1 · 02/10/2025 14:32

Is this a cultural/religious issue? Dad wants his child to follow his culture/religion?

Lol.

UnicornLand1 · 02/10/2025 14:32

Is this a cultural/religious issue? Dad wants his child to follow his culture/religion?

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