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AIBU?

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Original poster

To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

190 replies

DasDrummer · 01/10/2025 16:20

I'm a mum to 4 DC, DS21, DD15, and DS15, DD5

My eldest was born a girl but ill use DS for this thread as it's his argument for why he can't share a room. He is on testosterone and to a lot of people he “passes” as a man.

He barely finished school, he didn't take his GCSEs as it was in 2020, he briefly started a catering course at college but he dropped out after a few months. In 2019 I split with their dad and he started sharing a room with DD and has done since. I had to downsize and there was nothing I could do. They have the biggest room and DS15 has the box room. It isn't possible for me to sleep on the sofa and give one of them my room. DD5 is in with me (in her own bed though)

Anyway, he got a job at 17 (he turned 18 later that year) it was at the supermarket. He ended up buying tickets to see an artist he liked as they were going on tour and the manager said no he couldn't have it off, he ended up quitting. He got his trust fund at 18 and wasted it to go travelling around Europe to different shows for said artist. He basically said he could do what he wanted

He was gone for most of 2023, he came back and didn't get a job, he stayed in bed all day on his phone. He also met a girl that lived in Germany and spent Christmas 2023 with her (this was with him getting UC and buying cheap flights), he finally got a job early last year, the gf came here to visit him and DD had to share a bed with me for the week. I don't know why I allowed him to dictate but I regret it.

Anyway, they split up and he started saying he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day etc. He ended up quitting the job in Feb/March and again he’d just stay in bed constantly. He did end up going to the GP and was given antidepressants and he's had 1 session of therapy.

He got a boyfriend in the summer and he was out with him a lot, he'd come over but honestly it was too much too soon. I never let him stay over apart from agreeing to when me and my younger DC were away (they broke up before this happened though). When they broke up the behaviour was the same, in bed most the time. He only eats one meal a day because I don't cook for him, he usually ends up ordering though.

He does go out drinking a few times a week, he gets UC and that mostly goes on nights out (and quickly), he sometimes disturbs us getting in drunk, but other times he stays out. The artist had announced another tour and he's been complaining he has no money to see him more than once which is his own fault tbh.

Anyway, to the point: he is saying he shouldn't have to share with DD15, he's an adult and if he should share with anyone it would be DS as he's not a woman and feels uncomfortable sharing with DD, this led to an argument over me not accepting him, he called me transphobic and I basically told him if he doesn't Iike it he should move out. He stormed out and hasn't replied to my messages, this was last night.

To add: they did used to share bunk beds but now they have their own single bed and the room is slightly partitioned with shelves but he still complains about her and sharing.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Catsknowbest · 01/10/2025 21:22

Doesn't like it, can move out. It sounds like you have already done your best to be accommodating and they have no understanding that you have more than one child to consider- and they aren't all old enough as your eldest is to be able to get a job sorted and maybe start giving instead of taking.

Bannedontherun · 01/10/2025 21:18

HappyNewTaxYear · 01/10/2025 21:09

Not an adult man. Adult woman on testosterone.

Show quote history

Thank god someone has said it. The OP’s eldest child is a female who has decided she is a man.

SHE is causing complete chaos in a household who have all been traumatised by DV.

@DasDrummer you are having to conduct a serious balancing act between all of your children’s needs and i feel for you.

The eldest appears to be more traumatised than your others from what you say. I wonder why, is there a possibility she has been sexually abused and this has not been explored, it is common for young women to identify out of their sex because of this.

All i can see from afar is that you have no choice but to minimise harms caused by your eldest to your siblings.

Given her vulnerabilities your eldest will get housed by the local Authority, you need to focus on your other children now so as not to have their lives ruined.

Pistachiocake · 01/10/2025 21:16

Ideally I think every adult should have their own room-and own place. It's sad for young people that things are so hard; only a couple of generations ago, very few people still lived with their parents over 25 (so I'm told by older people and also teachers!) but now that seems to be the norm. I don't know what options/likelihood in your area for people to get their own place, whether it's an option your family could explore? Round here, I'm told that unless you have a bit of money, it's not easy to get anywhere.

CheeseyOnionPie · 01/10/2025 21:13

He needs to grow up and get a proper job and take responsibility for his own life.

DIYagainstMould · 01/10/2025 21:12

This is not about liking you or not. This is an adult having the high life, changing nickers and disturbing the siblings

HappyNewTaxYear · 01/10/2025 21:09

Roseshavethorns · 01/10/2025 20:25

I don't think an adult man should be sharing with his sister.
Can you not move 15 year old ds into the bigger room with his brother and dd can have the boxroom on her own?
His behaviour is a different matter. If he stays with you he should be contributing to household expenses. If he can't live on UC he should get a job.
The travelling sounds amazing and I really wouldn't have a problem with it as long as he funded it himself.

Not an adult man. Adult woman on testosterone.

CrispieCake · 01/10/2025 21:05

I'd offer him the sofa and he needs to be up in the morning when the rest of the household are.

The younger kids deserve a peaceful environment to study for their exams.

If he doesn't like it, out he goes.

DIYagainstMould · 01/10/2025 21:04

Poirot1983 · 01/10/2025 16:58

Aside from the question of unreasonableness, it doesn't read like you like him much. Or at least you don't have anything positive to say about him.

He's 21, young adult children are often still at home now into their mid-late 20's.

Travelling is not a 'waste' of money.

Sounds like the touring was a great experience for him. Not sure why the negativity about it.

Yes, he could - and should - get a job between tours/travels.

Why wouldn't he have a bedroom and you could sleep in the living room? My parents would do that.

Because that is bonkers. Sort your life, finance, mental health and then transition if you wish. Why you are putting this on your mother with all her numerous children. She copes but ...

RaininSummer · 01/10/2025 21:03

Time they moved our I think. Bad attitude and also you can't expect your son to share with a female even if they have taken drugs to get more masculine. It would also feel weird for your daughter to share with their trans sibling.

suburberphobe · 01/10/2025 21:03

you could sleep in the living room? My parents would do that.

Why would you expect your parent to sleep in the living room?!

Giving more reason for this selfish, egocentric child to rule the roost FFS!

MummytoE · 01/10/2025 21:02

Tell them to get the hell out

Tubestrike · 01/10/2025 21:00

Poirot1983 · 01/10/2025 16:58

Aside from the question of unreasonableness, it doesn't read like you like him much. Or at least you don't have anything positive to say about him.

He's 21, young adult children are often still at home now into their mid-late 20's.

Travelling is not a 'waste' of money.

Sounds like the touring was a great experience for him. Not sure why the negativity about it.

Yes, he could - and should - get a job between tours/travels.

Why wouldn't he have a bedroom and you could sleep in the living room? My parents would do that.

Whaaat ?

suburberphobe · 01/10/2025 21:00

he gets his UC but then often complains and asks for it back because he has no money and I never buy food he likes.

So tell your entitled child to move out and he can make his own dinners.

Flipitnreverseit · 01/10/2025 20:57

Could you ‘kick out’ DS21 so they can claim homelessness the council. I believe if you give the council a deadline they will try and find something suitable for them. Obviously housing is extremely stretched so it may be a bit of a wait. But if they can find a flat for DS21 it might be best he start working and paying his own way. Your house sounds severely overcrowded and it’s not really fair on the actual children.

MikeRafone · 01/10/2025 20:51

id put you and youngest in biggest room, second and third youngest in their own rooms and ds eldest can have the sofa bed in the lounge as his own - but of course he will need to sleep at night as everyone will be in during the morning to Get to the kitchen

Original poster
DasDrummer · 01/10/2025 20:49

@arcticpandasDS came out as trans when he was 12, this was 2016 when it wasn't as much as a “thing” with teenagers (and we very rarely heard about trans people on the news etc). I did allow him to cut his hair short and wear boys clothes but I said he wasn't allowed a binder or a referral to the gender clinic, as a compromise I did allow him the pill (not at 12, a few years later!) but he kept saying it over the years and it's been nearly a decade so I don't think it is a “phase” or anything, I wasn't happy when he started testosterone but I knew it was coming. He identifies as bisexual so he didn't go back to being a woman when he had a bf, no.

I think he's told UC about his mental health and how his last job ruined his mental health and I don't think he is lying about that, he did seem unhappy there and he actually quit over text. They upped his antidepressants but I don't know what difference they're making, I don't know if he's going to stick with therapy either but so far he's only had one session

OP posts:
JLou08 · 01/10/2025 20:33

Why haven't you asked the other DC what they want? They may find the solution between themselves. Are the 15yos twins? They may want to share with each other. It sounds like the eldest would be best in their own room when their routine is different to the others and they are having partners in their bedroom. It sound like the only long term solution though is him moving out. The 15yos will soon be adults and they may want their own space then to bring partners round.

arcticpandas · 01/10/2025 20:29

He seems like a total nightmare. I think a lot of trans youngsters have mh problems which explains why they want to become someone else. I mean he wants to be a man, dated a girl, then dated a boy- does that mean he went back to being a woman or he decided he was a man but homosexual? Sounds really fucked up and it's a good thing he's in therapy. A shame that he gets UC otherwise he might be motivated to get a job... still tell him that he's sharing with his sister until he finds somewhere else to live...

Roseshavethorns · 01/10/2025 20:25

I don't think an adult man should be sharing with his sister.
Can you not move 15 year old ds into the bigger room with his brother and dd can have the boxroom on her own?
His behaviour is a different matter. If he stays with you he should be contributing to household expenses. If he can't live on UC he should get a job.
The travelling sounds amazing and I really wouldn't have a problem with it as long as he funded it himself.

mathanxiety · 01/10/2025 20:24

Poirot1983 · 01/10/2025 16:58

Aside from the question of unreasonableness, it doesn't read like you like him much. Or at least you don't have anything positive to say about him.

He's 21, young adult children are often still at home now into their mid-late 20's.

Travelling is not a 'waste' of money.

Sounds like the touring was a great experience for him. Not sure why the negativity about it.

Yes, he could - and should - get a job between tours/travels.

Why wouldn't he have a bedroom and you could sleep in the living room? My parents would do that.

This is a joke, right?

SapphOhNo · 01/10/2025 20:23

You need to be having harsh words with your DS. He needs a reality check. You can't keep pandering to his laziness and lack of contribution. Also to take charge of dealing with his MH.

How do UC just let him claim money and not job search?

timeandagainagain · 01/10/2025 20:19

Poirot1983 · 01/10/2025 16:58

Aside from the question of unreasonableness, it doesn't read like you like him much. Or at least you don't have anything positive to say about him.

He's 21, young adult children are often still at home now into their mid-late 20's.

Travelling is not a 'waste' of money.

Sounds like the touring was a great experience for him. Not sure why the negativity about it.

Yes, he could - and should - get a job between tours/travels.

Why wouldn't he have a bedroom and you could sleep in the living room? My parents would do that.

With all due respect, this is ridiculous. Why should the OP live on her sofa to give her adult son, who can't be bothered to study or get a job, a room of his own? And, while we're at it, we taxpayers appear to be paying for his nights out! Travel is great if you pay your way through it, not if you are blowing up your trust fund to do it, and then living off your mum!

Theroadt · 01/10/2025 20:17

I’m sorry I got confused & couldn’t follow all the ins and outs 🥴

BettysRoasties · 01/10/2025 20:14

At his age. Write a letter to the council and kick him out. He can go into a hostel and then a bedsit. Might make him get off his arse and actually do something or he can continue to rot without ruining your other children’s day to day lives.

Harriet9955 · 01/10/2025 20:10

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/10/2025 16:28

I would say he should move out and get his own place!

Seems unfair for dd to be sharing with him, esp with her important school years coming up.

Yes then the tax payer can pay his rent too as well through UC as well as funding his nights out. Honestly at what point do these gets kids their benefits cut and do they ever actually have to do any job searching in return for these benefits?

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