To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

This thread is just the most perfect example of why sex natters in terms of language

so many people on here are confused by the eldest child’s sex which is relevant to the help that is being sought.

She is a girl on testosterone, it is not an ordinary every day situation, of overcrowding.

@DasDrummer come to think of it you could ask the LA to rehouse you all given the vulnerability of your eldest they may be keen to oblige.

OP gets some of their UC
Its fair to wonder how much she is getting from her child and how much she depends on it herself?

If he is disturbing the house and not contributing. He needs to get a job or move out.
He needs some tough love

Not really the only reasonable approach long term imho.

Does not have to be the ultimatum of put up & shut up or move out.

If her trans man daughter is autistic, then she could look into supported housing for them nearby.

They could probably get PIP, which could be spent on the difference in rent for an extra bedroom.

If he feels like he needs a different bed, then he needs to get a job and contribute to the household so OP can move somewhere bigger or he can move into a house share and have a bed there. Or maybe he sleeps on the sofa.
agree with you here
Or if not autistic, if they get a part time job, and contribute to rent, then OP can maybe afford a place with one more bedroom.

If you look on Rightmove the price difference between a 3 or 4 bedroom can range from £200/mo to £500/mo most areas outside London.

It would give them motivation too. I don’t think they can survive independently. Even if not traumatised & autistic with burnout they are still traumatised and depressed.

Not a good idea to even suggest living alone is a reasonable option to anyone who cares for this young person.

It’s very concerning!

Though my understanding is that, as long as the adults around them don't affirm the delusion, these kids you know will most likely grow out of it and in many cases turn out to be gay, lesbian or bi.

And at least they’re now safe in a medical sense, post-Cass, and will not be medicated.

Though sounds like that course correct has come too late for the OPs daughter.

Why on earth are you enabling this behaviour?!
He either gets a job and starts paying you rent or he moves out, simple as that!
He cannot be disrupting everyone else's lives because he can't get a grip of his own.
With regards to bedrooms, yes your other children do gat a say in this. What are they comfortable with?

I don't understand why you wouldn't have your DS's sharing a room and DD gets her own room?

It's so common now though isn't it ? There are three of these kids on our road of 100 houses and my cousin's child too. That's just in the very limited number of young people I know. Adolescent MH services certainly have their work cut out.

Eldest needs to move out and get a damn job. Time to grow up.

And telling her DS that he will always have a home with her no matter what, but unfortunately this is the only home she can afford at the moment and that his bed is the only bed available for him in that house is a perfectly reasonable approach.

If he feels like he needs a different bed, then he needs to get a job and contribute to the household so OP can move somewhere bigger or he can move into a house share and have a bed there. Or maybe he sleeps on the sofa.

Because even though he is vulnerable and potentially ND, that doesn’t magic up more money or another bedroom, so unfortunately he is going to have to compromise. And I don’t think a 15 year old boy should be sharing a room with someone with a vagina/without a penis, so I think the OP is reasonable to say that’s not an option.

Could the mental health crisis be in part due to the fact that adults have taken leave of their senses and fallen hook, line and sinker for all the gender nonsense? And children like this confused young woman (daughter, not son) are paying the price.

Absolute dereliction of adult duty.

The best and kindest thing to do is to anchor your daughter (and all your other children!) in reality.

She is a young female adult and needs to assume responsibility for her own life.

Living in this gender fantasy land where nothing means anything and mummy pays for everything is not good for her.

She needs to move out and get a job.

Overdosing on exogenous hormones won’t be doing your eldest daughter’s mental health or aggression levels any good whatsoever, but that is beside the point.

She needs to accept that if she wishes to not work and not pay rent, she has little choice in where she sleeps.

Your 15 year old son should not be sharing with his older sister, however his older sister identifies. It’s hardly fair on your 15 year old daughter either, as sounds like she’ll be making her life a misery too.

I have met a lot of people over the years who identify as trans (or used to) and all of them have mental and/or physical health issues and are incredibly entitled. The ‘trans joy’ that is talked of is all too elusive, sadly.

I’m sorry your family is struggling OP, but she needs to get a job or perhaps move out and go and study or something.

Except this DC is also vulnerable and traumatised, potentially with undiagnosed ND holding them back.

OP is in a very hard situation, but that doesn’t change the fact her eldest is also in a very hard situation.

The solution isn’t to toss the young adult who potentially is only as capable as a 14/15yr old out of the family home and away from their support network of mostly OP.

It’s tempting sure, but OP is a caring and loving adult who fled a violent home with five children to protect them and herself from further abuse. She isn’t someone who strikes me as willing to sacrifice the eldest to make things easier on everyone else. I personally think she is trying to find a way that is best for everyone.

I think lines have to be drawn and you might have to be firm. You can’t magic another bedroom out of thin air, it’s not appropriate to ask your male child to share a bedroom with their adult female sibling, even if that sibling identifies as male. If your oldest child doesn’t want to share a room with your dd, then moving out is the only option. I would tell him this. Benefits are available. This is the best you can do rent wise.

I do think you need to be a little blunt and possibly harsh- this is a take it or leave it option and they are an adult who can make a choice to stay at your house sharing with their sister or move out.

I think you have been more than fair,its your house and your rules, he cant just decide to tell you how you should run your household. Hes an adult and wants to be treated as one. It really is time for him to move out and take responsibility for his own life. It doesn't mean he cant visit, its the next chapter of his life, its a positive, hopefully he'll come to realise that if you can have a chat

So no 15 year old boy ever shared a room with someone they considered to be their brother?

Do me a favour!

Except she’s not making her child homeless. She’s offering him a bed in a shared room - the one he sleeps in now. If HE doesn’t want that room then he can move out / make himself homeless.

But to parrot PP - he’s absolutely right, he is an adult and he shouldn’t have to share a room with a sibling. And so he can find his own place with his own room with no sibling, and fund it with his own income.

That’s his two choices and he can pick whichever he likes.

Oh don't talk rubbish a fifteen year old boy will be wanking himself blind, a female in his room erm no….

I could be massively in left field, but I think your DS (formerly DD) is autistic.
The abusive father & violent home, and then you fleeing the violent home with your children probably meant there was too much chaos for your DC to be flagged up as autistic as lots of behaviours get put down to only trauma that are actually autism + trauma.

The fact they have hit autistic burnout- being mistaken for depression. The antidepressants not working. The therapy being a waste of time. Indicates to me it isn’t depression.

The fact they spend every penny they get on this favourite artist and spent a year following them around Europe, blowing entire child trust fund on this with no thought to the future- autistic passion to a tee.

The fact they NEED their own space/room - another feature of autism

The fact at 17 they are acting like they are 14 and no where near ready to be independent - autistic.

The fact they have likely been gender nonconformimg their entire life and then when the body changing bits of puberty hit, came out as trans - also screams autistic. Puberty can be very traumatic for an autistic female because they feel genuine sensory discomfort at growing breasts, at their hips moving out, at periods. In this day and age the only message with answers to sensory overload caused by puberty is the transgender answer. Almost all the detransitioners are undiagnosed autistic girls that thought they were trans.

The fact they use a screen to regulate emotions/recharge- autistic

The insomnia to point of almost reversed sleeping patterns - autistic burnout

The struggle to maintain relationships and friendships- autism (this goes for all relationships except for with small children or pets)

I’m not saying your DC is definitely autistic but there are many many clues telling me that you have more than enough evidence to warrant a full assessment. There isn’t much autism specific help after diagnosis, but it would at least mean the GP and mental health would be giving them help & advice based on burnout, not depression and so on.

TBH, there’s no transgender issues in my household but I do sleep in the lounge to allow my 3 DCs to have their own rooms.

DS1 is 28 & autistic. He needs his own space & cannot share.

DS2 is 25 & DD is 14. Obviously it’s not ideal for them to share either.

PS: I’ve been on MN long enough to still equate DS1 to first born son rather than 1 year old son. Not sure exactly when that changed!

Don't be so completely ridiculous. Why the hell should she? And your other comment further in the thread, just pretty unpleasant, really. So as long as they get a job in between doing whatever they like its all fine and dandy? And only they matter? Behave yourself.

You might find that a 15 year old is way more open to the concept of being transgender than your average adult.

“DS21” is a girl, am sure DS 15 who is a boy would be thrilled about that.

You have three bedrooms?

You take the smallest. DD aged 15 shares with 5 year old DD.

The two DSs share.