To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

Funny, I read it as yet another mother being bullied and exploited by another adult, and putting up with it because she gave birth to the adult in question. This adult is taking no responsibility for themselves, doing as they please and putting the rest of the family to much inconvenience, and is now demanding even more upheaval from younger children to accommodate them.
If you think a decent parent enables an adult at the expense of their children then you are misguided in the extreme.
The OP may not 'like' her eldest, to be blunt, there doesn't sound much to like at present. However she has clearly gone above and beyond to show love and be supportive, and can continue to do this without having the rest of the family suffer.

what is council housing like in your area @DasDrummer? Could he try and get on the list ?
I’m not sure you’d qualify for overcrowding as he’s an adult.

I agree. He can't share with anyone. Too complicated under the circumstances. He shouldn't share with a girl if he thinks he's a man and your son shouldn't share with a female.

I wouldn't 'like' an adult child of mine if they behaved like this. I would still love them but I absolutely would not like them.
Of course travelling is a great experience, pissing all of your money up the wall to do so is less great.
As for the OP sleeping in the living room (were is the 5 year old supposed to sleep?) so a lazy, rude , artificially testosterone filled adult can have a room to themselves, just no.

FFS they are not an adult man!

My parents were married with children at 21 - had jobs and ran households, like many in their early 20’s

If he can make decisions on his lifestyle he can move out.

Id offer him the living room!!

Assuming you all work/go to school - then he has the house to himself all day for privacy - what more does he want?

Id give him notice to move out - take him to the council and else what his options are.

And those saying you aren’t supportive, I think you’ve put up with this long enough!

I don't think OP is being unreasonable, and I don't think telling her to sleep on the sofa is useful. It won't free up a room anyway since she's sharing it with youngest.

I think the trans issue is a bit of a red herring here or at least not the problem the way some think. The DS is using this as a reason he needs his own room. If you used that to argue that he should then share with his other sibling (we'll leave aside whether he should, the point is the logic) then he'll find another reason, because he doesn't want to share. What he wants, I think, is for the next 2 children to share so he gets to be on his own, and that definitely doesn't work. If it were just "Well I can't share with my sister," then he should be sharing with his brother, no? Instead he's using it as being trans makes him somehow... special? And in need of his own room. (yes, this would require putting DD15 in the box room instead)

Yes, it would be cruel to just chuck him out, but it is not cruel or abandoning your child, MH issues or no, to say that this is what you have to offer, and moreover to insist that he respect the other people in the household. He has a choice: he can accept what is on offer, or he can move out. He can't insist that you invent a room or that you all inconvenience yourselves for what he wants. There's a line between being supportive of a struggling child and being a doormat.

All of this.

This person is being allowed not to grow up and it’s not fair on the others.

It’s mind boggling that they qualify for UC when they are simply choosing not to work. We’re always being told that it’s not that easy to qualify for benefits and that you have to be actively seeking work but that doesn’t sound like the case here.

If that was my adult child then i’d be telling him that when he has a job and can pay the costs that adults need to pay, then he will have a say where he lives. He is fortunate in this country, we have benefits that would support him paying for a room in a house, despite the fact he’s not working. I’d explain to him that the options are you stay home and share, or you look into leaving.

I’ve always made it clear to my adult children that they are either in education (and my ex and I will support that cost) or they are working. My son is 21 and has graduated and has started full time work and moved in with his girlfriend. If he was still at home he wouldn’t be sitting around doing nothing, sleeping all day. You should have made it clear a few years ago that it wasn’t an option. His lifestyle is impacting on the rest of the family. Meanwhile he is out partying and then sleeping all day. I’d be saying get a job, or move out. He is taking the piss and you’re allowing it.

Benefits shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice for the lazy, but a safety net for short periods. It would do him good living in a shared house, learning to pay bills etc. You’re doing him no favours allowing him to bum around, and also letting the whole household suffer for one person. Why?

I think you need to tell him that as you don’t have another home to go to, he should exercise his option to find one for himself. You are contributing to his depression by allowing this lifestyle and contemplating this level of control by him.

The fact at 17 they are acting like they are 14 and no where near ready to be independent - autistic.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice You misread the OP, her eldest is 21.

Personally, I agree that the living room would be the best option for them as they won’t disturb anyone else when they come in late, Yes, they may be woken up when everyone gets ready for school but tbh, sleeping in late isn’t doing them any good, they need some routine.

Ultimately, they need to decide what they’re going to do career-wise. Perhaps getting some further training/qualifications might be a good idea. Time passes quickly and they don’t want to be stuck in an overcrowded house in five years, they need to make some plans.

Did you not see that her 5 year old shares with her?

Because divorce is a thing. Separation is a thing. Not being able to buy / rent a house with enough bedrooms after a split is common.

OP

Your 21 year old is an adult. If they hate sharing so much they can get a sleeping bag and sleep on the living room floor or find a house share.

Poor lad has had a time of it which you really don't acknowledge at all. You should be supporting him not being so awful about him. No wonder he's unhappy, my heart goes out to him.

He needs to adult now. The most I'd let him have is the couch temporarily . He's not going to grow up and get a proper job and be independent if he has a cushy life with his Mummy.
Your younger children deserve space in their home over their adult brother.

FFS they are not an adult man!

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

Just to correct a couple of things in your posts:

OP's oldest child is 21, not 17.
OP has 4 children, not 5.

there are jobs that come with accommodation - is that something worth considering?

there are also things like 'Workaway' & 'WWOOF' - both ways of travelling & visiting new places, and doing an agreed number of hours of work/ week in exchange for bed and board (and in some cases, pocket money as well)

Of course you leave the two older girls together. If 21 yr old doesn't like it, she needs to find a place of her own.

This. Moreover, if you formally evict them (eg send a letter) they can apply for social housing and UC/benefits while they are job hunting, which would cushion moving out. Pandering to your eldest is not doing her any favours. She needs to stand on her own two feet - if she is old enough to transition/take T etc, she is old enough to move out and work/claim financial support.

She is not your responsibility any more - but your remaining children are.

This

But she isn't a man, she's a female on testosterone. She still female with a vagina. She just looks manly.

Personally I wouldn't want my 15 year old daughter to be sharing with a man, trans or otherwise

She is 21 so it's time for her to move out. Don't allow her to dictate her wants over your needs.

Well, I hope there are lots more therapy sessions, and that the therapist isn't the type to make this entitled attitude of theirs even worse.

At the end of the day, your eldest is an entitled, jobless adult. They have no place to dictate to you in your home. They are contributing nothing.

I'm also horrified that us taxpayers are paying for this entitled young adult to go out drinking multiple times per week. It's so easy to say you can't work due to poor mental health, but fuck me, most of us are depressed or traumatised these days and still have to bloody work.

As for them blaming YOU for how they are, NO, it's not your fault that you were abused, and not your fault that the abuse you suffered left them with mental health issues. They are blaming the wrong person here.

I'd be seriously losing my patience with this one. Weekly therapy, and get another job, door locked at 11pm, no more entitled dictating to you, and they need to grow the fuck up.

If they want their own room, they need to get a job and go get their own place, or a room in a house share.

Because one son is female bodied and one is male bodied.