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AIBU?

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Original poster

To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

190 replies

DasDrummer · 01/10/2025 16:20

I'm a mum to 4 DC, DS21, DD15, and DS15, DD5

My eldest was born a girl but ill use DS for this thread as it's his argument for why he can't share a room. He is on testosterone and to a lot of people he “passes” as a man.

He barely finished school, he didn't take his GCSEs as it was in 2020, he briefly started a catering course at college but he dropped out after a few months. In 2019 I split with their dad and he started sharing a room with DD and has done since. I had to downsize and there was nothing I could do. They have the biggest room and DS15 has the box room. It isn't possible for me to sleep on the sofa and give one of them my room. DD5 is in with me (in her own bed though)

Anyway, he got a job at 17 (he turned 18 later that year) it was at the supermarket. He ended up buying tickets to see an artist he liked as they were going on tour and the manager said no he couldn't have it off, he ended up quitting. He got his trust fund at 18 and wasted it to go travelling around Europe to different shows for said artist. He basically said he could do what he wanted

He was gone for most of 2023, he came back and didn't get a job, he stayed in bed all day on his phone. He also met a girl that lived in Germany and spent Christmas 2023 with her (this was with him getting UC and buying cheap flights), he finally got a job early last year, the gf came here to visit him and DD had to share a bed with me for the week. I don't know why I allowed him to dictate but I regret it.

Anyway, they split up and he started saying he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day etc. He ended up quitting the job in Feb/March and again he’d just stay in bed constantly. He did end up going to the GP and was given antidepressants and he's had 1 session of therapy.

He got a boyfriend in the summer and he was out with him a lot, he'd come over but honestly it was too much too soon. I never let him stay over apart from agreeing to when me and my younger DC were away (they broke up before this happened though). When they broke up the behaviour was the same, in bed most the time. He only eats one meal a day because I don't cook for him, he usually ends up ordering though.

He does go out drinking a few times a week, he gets UC and that mostly goes on nights out (and quickly), he sometimes disturbs us getting in drunk, but other times he stays out. The artist had announced another tour and he's been complaining he has no money to see him more than once which is his own fault tbh.

Anyway, to the point: he is saying he shouldn't have to share with DD15, he's an adult and if he should share with anyone it would be DS as he's not a woman and feels uncomfortable sharing with DD, this led to an argument over me not accepting him, he called me transphobic and I basically told him if he doesn't Iike it he should move out. He stormed out and hasn't replied to my messages, this was last night.

To add: they did used to share bunk beds but now they have their own single bed and the room is slightly partitioned with shelves but he still complains about her and sharing.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 02/10/2025 09:12

DasDrummer · 01/10/2025 18:52

Downstairs is quite small, just a small kitchen and a living room, the living room has DD5’s toys in there too.

DD15 can study in my room if she needs to and she knows this but last year during her mocks she was fine in their room, and she has a lot of time when DS isn't there if he's out drinking/with a boy and the tour he's talking about is next year before DD’s GCSEs so he won't be here for at least one night (if he goes to one nearby) but he won't be able to travel and go to a lot of shows like last time. He's coming across as spoiled re complaining as he went to about 12 last time, he's going to see another artist this month. I told him he'll have to get a job and he said it's pointless because it's too late.

I've not asked DS15 about sharing but he's happy in his room and I'm not sure that'd solve the issue re DD being noisy as DS15 plays on the PlayStation and talks to his friends so I'm sure DS would be complaining about that. He just doesn't want to share because he's transitioned, in all fairness he does “pass” and he is “stealth” to a lot of people (they think he's a man but don't know he's trans) but I just don't know if it's unreasonable to expect him to share with DD

I believe that you’re focusing on the wrong person. The main focus should not be on whether your oldest child rooming with DS15 would solve the issue re DD being noisy!

The main question ought to be whether rooming with your DS21 is in the best interest of your 15 yo daughter!

and is it really appropriate for your 15 yo daughter to room with your 21 year old son? Who comes home drunk, suffers from depression and seems to be extremely inconsiderate? I don’t think so. And as you said: He disturbs her as well!

The 21 year old should sleep on the sofa (get a comfortable sofa bed for him) or move out.

rainbowstardrops · 02/10/2025 08:42

If he blames you for the split then I’d be telling him to go to his dad’s then if he’s so wonderful.
I’d maybe ask what DS15 thinks about sharing and if your eldest complains about it, he knows where the door is.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 02/10/2025 08:38

Time for him to move out.

OlympicWomen · 02/10/2025 08:38

Seamoss · 02/10/2025 08:29

Was he born in the wrong body? Or did having an abusive father make her so scared of her own vulnerability as a woman at the hands of men, that she found a way to protect herself. "Men are strong. Women are weak victims"

I appreciate everyone saying it's time for him to move out. But it sounds like he's had a really hard childhood and it's impacting him in all sorts of ways. He can't hold a job, he lacks ambition, he sounds depressed. He lacks hope.
If you can get him to engage with therapy you might be able to help him, and everyone in your family too

Yes, I agree..that was my point upthread about him accessing counselling. This is a very troubled young person and it sounds as if he's got a lot of problems. There's having his teen years in the abusive household, a father in no contact, changing gender, struggling to settle.
I don't think "chucking them out" is a solution, nor is pandering.
Could you look at support services available locally?

WhichPage · 02/10/2025 08:35

You are doing the best option in the circumstances.
i would simply say ‘yes this isn’t ideal, i would love for you to have your own room it comes down to I can’t afford a bigger place. When you are earning we can see if we can afford a bigger house with your contribution but you would need to be contracted into the rent because not paying would leave me and sibs homeless. And on repeat Yes I would love for you to have your own room just can not afford it at the moment.’ I would not bring sibs into this too much at all or your own needs (as clearly you would all be better off with your own room) as your eldest may lack the ability to empathise with others circumstances. You can give the wish in a dream as follows ‘gosh yes it would be great if you had your own room you would be able to …. hopefully we can afford that one day’ ‘please keep an eye out for a place with more bedrooms near little sibs school and let me know of any you find suitable so we can see if we can afford it’ be clear that the issues are not your attitude but availability of dog accepting rentals of the the right size price and location. These are the real adult issues at play.

Seamoss · 02/10/2025 08:29

Was he born in the wrong body? Or did having an abusive father make her so scared of her own vulnerability as a woman at the hands of men, that she found a way to protect herself. "Men are strong. Women are weak victims"

I appreciate everyone saying it's time for him to move out. But it sounds like he's had a really hard childhood and it's impacting him in all sorts of ways. He can't hold a job, he lacks ambition, he sounds depressed. He lacks hope.
If you can get him to engage with therapy you might be able to help him, and everyone in your family too

Shedmistress · 02/10/2025 08:27

This 'adult man' is an extremely distressed woman who is gaslighting her whole family and has them walking on eggshells and probably needs a heck of a lot of mental health support and because she is described as an 'adult man' all people are doing is screaming 'Kick him out'.

Yes she can share a room. OP you need to sit down with her and go through all the options here.

AnneButNotHathaway · 02/10/2025 08:23

He's an adult, they need to move out, period.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 02/10/2025 08:20

Poirot1983 · 01/10/2025 16:58

Aside from the question of unreasonableness, it doesn't read like you like him much. Or at least you don't have anything positive to say about him.

He's 21, young adult children are often still at home now into their mid-late 20's.

Travelling is not a 'waste' of money.

Sounds like the touring was a great experience for him. Not sure why the negativity about it.

Yes, he could - and should - get a job between tours/travels.

Why wouldn't he have a bedroom and you could sleep in the living room? My parents would do that.

I think this would be bonkers tbh, I don’t think giving them exactly what they want is a great idea. They need to be incentivised to get an job not given a space to snooze the day away having sat up all night.

I moved out at 18, full time job, studied, worked, travelled etc. Adult children seemed to be babied these days.

Ohthatsabitshit · 02/10/2025 08:17

Help her move out into her own place.

Harriet9955 · 02/10/2025 08:16

CrownCoats · 02/10/2025 05:56

All of this.

This person is being allowed not to grow up and it’s not fair on the others.

It’s mind boggling that they qualify for UC when they are simply choosing not to work. We’re always being told that it’s not that easy to qualify for benefits and that you have to be actively seeking work but that doesn’t sound like the case here.

Show quote history

He's likely been awarded the 'Limited capability for work and work related activity' element, an extra £420 a month to spend on his nights out and no requirements to look for any kind of work. Likely will be re-assessed in around another five years time due to backlogs. The system is insane. The government have sort of indicated they are going to look at this but I guess time will tell. meanwhile millions of young people languish on benefits rather than being given the actual help they need.

freakingscared · 02/10/2025 08:13

He should have no room imo . He doesn’t work or contribute to the household , he is an adult so he can either pay rent or go live elsewhere .

alittleprivacy · 02/10/2025 08:11

hyggetyggedotorg · 01/10/2025 21:44

So no 15 year old boy ever shared a room with someone they considered to be their brother?

Do me a favour!

Show quote history

There is no brother, there is a disturbed young woman taking a hormone that exacerbates her poor mental state. A hormone that has done irreversible damage to her body, the knowledge of which undoubtedly massively adds to her depression.

I know you think you are being some sort of super tolerant good guy here. You aren't. And what you are advocating for is a young boy having to share a room with his unwell sister. That's not kindness, it's abuse.

And as someone who works with kids this age, they are a hell of a lot less tolerant of this shit than most adults. Because they have been forced to live with the consequences of adults taking leave if their senses. They know more than most that it's dangerous bullshit and they are angry about it. Young people are increasingly conservative in the west and this shit is one reason why.

Obeseandashamed · 02/10/2025 08:10

Your child is taking advantage and needs to move out.

OlympicWomen · 02/10/2025 08:06

I think your eldest is obviously a very troubled person, has he ever been able to access therapy? I'm not excusing his behaviour, just trying to find out if there's any way he could be given counselling.

arcticpandas · 02/10/2025 07:56

I don't know any other European country that hands out benefits to adults living at home unless they take part of a specific program in order for them to get a job. Mind you, the OP's child could probably get PIP for mh issues if he/she describes how his problems are affecting him.

Britanniarulesthewaves · 02/10/2025 07:53

DasDrummer · 01/10/2025 17:26

I can't sleep on the sofa because I have health issues and I share a room with my youngest, where would she sleep?? I've already said in my OP.

He said he quit the job earlier this year because it was making his mental health even worse than it already was but he hasn't been looking for another job, this was Feb/March.

He does disturb DD (and the rest of us) when he comes home drunk, he wakes the dog and she starts barking and then wakes us. I don't know when he's staying out or not, he doesn't tell me. I've asked him not to come home when he's drunk (or even late) but he shrugs and does it anyway. He doesn't have many close friends nearby but his best friend is the same - she doesn't have a job, he doesn't have any money at the minute so he hasn't gone out this week but that's where most the money goes. He does spend time with DD5, and take her out occasionally to the park etc but that's it, he doesn't spend time with the rest of us as a family. He complained last week about getting up early to take her to school (first time this happened since she started school last year but I had an appointment).

And to the poster saying why have so many children if I can't house them, I had to downsize, I was already heavily pregnant with my youngest. Before this the older 3 had their own room but I was in an abusive relationship and DS blames me and this for his issues so having their own rooms wouldn't make anyone happy??

Your poor 15 year old.
Your eldest needs to move out. You can’t inflict this on any of the younger siblings. Your adult child can sleep on sofa until this is sorted. DD15 should not have to put up with this.
Then you can decide whether to move DD5 in with DD15 or keep with you.

monkeysox · 02/10/2025 07:50

DasDrummer · 01/10/2025 16:20

I'm a mum to 4 DC, DS21, DD15, and DS15, DD5

My eldest was born a girl but ill use DS for this thread as it's his argument for why he can't share a room. He is on testosterone and to a lot of people he “passes” as a man.

He barely finished school, he didn't take his GCSEs as it was in 2020, he briefly started a catering course at college but he dropped out after a few months. In 2019 I split with their dad and he started sharing a room with DD and has done since. I had to downsize and there was nothing I could do. They have the biggest room and DS15 has the box room. It isn't possible for me to sleep on the sofa and give one of them my room. DD5 is in with me (in her own bed though)

Anyway, he got a job at 17 (he turned 18 later that year) it was at the supermarket. He ended up buying tickets to see an artist he liked as they were going on tour and the manager said no he couldn't have it off, he ended up quitting. He got his trust fund at 18 and wasted it to go travelling around Europe to different shows for said artist. He basically said he could do what he wanted

He was gone for most of 2023, he came back and didn't get a job, he stayed in bed all day on his phone. He also met a girl that lived in Germany and spent Christmas 2023 with her (this was with him getting UC and buying cheap flights), he finally got a job early last year, the gf came here to visit him and DD had to share a bed with me for the week. I don't know why I allowed him to dictate but I regret it.

Anyway, they split up and he started saying he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day etc. He ended up quitting the job in Feb/March and again he’d just stay in bed constantly. He did end up going to the GP and was given antidepressants and he's had 1 session of therapy.

He got a boyfriend in the summer and he was out with him a lot, he'd come over but honestly it was too much too soon. I never let him stay over apart from agreeing to when me and my younger DC were away (they broke up before this happened though). When they broke up the behaviour was the same, in bed most the time. He only eats one meal a day because I don't cook for him, he usually ends up ordering though.

He does go out drinking a few times a week, he gets UC and that mostly goes on nights out (and quickly), he sometimes disturbs us getting in drunk, but other times he stays out. The artist had announced another tour and he's been complaining he has no money to see him more than once which is his own fault tbh.

Anyway, to the point: he is saying he shouldn't have to share with DD15, he's an adult and if he should share with anyone it would be DS as he's not a woman and feels uncomfortable sharing with DD, this led to an argument over me not accepting him, he called me transphobic and I basically told him if he doesn't Iike it he should move out. He stormed out and hasn't replied to my messages, this was last night.

To add: they did used to share bunk beds but now they have their own single bed and the room is slightly partitioned with shelves but he still complains about her and sharing.

AIBU?

They need to move out and grow up

OlympicWomen · 02/10/2025 07:46

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 02/10/2025 07:03

Are you mental?! She should have the sofa in her own house when her son is a grown adult and can’t be arsed to work?!

Show quote history

Exactly, I've no idea why that would be a good idea.

Harrumphhhh · 02/10/2025 07:34

Caravan in the garden?

CrispieCake · 02/10/2025 07:16

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 02/10/2025 07:03

Are you mental?! She should have the sofa in her own house when her son is a grown adult and can’t be arsed to work?!

Show quote history

Absolutely. Besides which, there's the 5yo to consider. Luckily children that age usually don't mind sharing with parents, but she deserves a quiet space to have her toys in, play in and go to sleep at night.

All of the actual "children" deserve to feel secure in their home and their needs should come first. Personally I don't think any of them should be sharing with an adult who gets drunk and depressed, wakes them up at night and complains when they turn on the lights in the morning to get ready for school. It's not a lifestyle that is compatible with a family home with children in it.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 02/10/2025 07:08

Silvertulips · 02/10/2025 06:16

FFS they are not an adult man!

My parents were married with children at 21 - had jobs and ran households, like many in their early 20’s

If he can make decisions on his lifestyle he can move out.

Id offer him the living room!!

Assuming you all work/go to school - then he has the house to himself all day for privacy - what more does he want?

Id give him notice to move out - take him to the council and else what his options are.

And those saying you aren’t supportive, I think you’ve put up with this long enough!

Yes something along the lines of ‘you’re absolutely right, you probably shouldn’t be sharing with your sister as it probably make HER uncomfortable and it’s an important year for HER. I would like you to move out. We can store your things in the garage and I’m happy for you to stay on the sofa whilst you are finding a job and a house share. The expectation is that the living room is available for everyone else to use during the day.’

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/10/2025 07:07

I agree you shouldn’t pass the problem on to your teen DS to share with your eldest, but I also think they shouldn’t share with you DD. No school age child should be sharing with an adult who acts like this.

If they can’t move out (the eldest) I think next best is to make the living room into a bedroom for them.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 02/10/2025 07:03

Poirot1983 · 01/10/2025 16:58

Aside from the question of unreasonableness, it doesn't read like you like him much. Or at least you don't have anything positive to say about him.

He's 21, young adult children are often still at home now into their mid-late 20's.

Travelling is not a 'waste' of money.

Sounds like the touring was a great experience for him. Not sure why the negativity about it.

Yes, he could - and should - get a job between tours/travels.

Why wouldn't he have a bedroom and you could sleep in the living room? My parents would do that.

Are you mental?! She should have the sofa in her own house when her son is a grown adult and can’t be arsed to work?!

ShowMeTheHunny · 02/10/2025 06:49

This situation is why the uk gov needs to do what the new zealand gov has recently announced - ban young people living at home with parents from claiming benefits. The last labour government should have also ring fenced the trust fund for specific uses, like a car or house deposit. You are not alone. Many young people see a few grand in a trust fund as holiday money, and over a 100 a week UC as the ultimate pocket money.